You Might Be A Redneck If.....
This page should be dedicated to Jeff Foxworthy.
After all, he is the Founding Father of the phrase, "You might be a redneck if."
I can only think of a couple of people I've met on this planet who don't have any of these quirks chasing them.
Most of us will have a few.
I have met some folks that matched 90% of these funny characteristics.
This list can never be complete, so enjoy and share as it grows.
A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
All your golf balls come in egg cartons.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".
Bikers back down from your momma.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
Diners change tables when your family sits near them.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People"
Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Someone in your family has said "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
That billboard that says, "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.
The Marlboro man is your idol.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
The primary color of your car is bondo.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
There are more than 10 cats living under your trailer.
They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools.
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
Where you come from reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there is a law against it.
You and your dog use the same tree.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You can burp and say your name at the same time.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.
You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it in prison.
You couldn't learn to swim because your gene pool is too small.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.
You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?'
You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
You had to remove a toothpick
for your wedding pictures.
You have a bumper sticker that says,
"MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT
AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."
You have a close relative named "Cletus".
You have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
You hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies.
You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You know at least 6 ways to bend a baseball cap.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You own a lava lamp that’s over 5 feet tall.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
You refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "The Day My Ship Came In."
You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.
You sent out birth announcements for your new puppies.
You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You think Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
You think people who have electricty are uppity.
You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"
You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You think the nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
You think the winter olympic sport of curling is part of the "Big Hair" competition.
You think there's nothin' wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
You use a NASCAR credit card.
You use a weedeater in your living room.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw
out your Elvis 8-tracks.
You were banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturbed the monkeys.
You were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
You wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You won’t stop at a rest area if you have a empty beer can in the car.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
Your bridal veil was made of window screen.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
Your car and its motor are more than ten feet apart.
Your child's first words were "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
Your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Your dog can't watch you eat without getting sick.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
Your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or
more 'cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
Your first bra was a Wonderbra.
Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.
Your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.
Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow.
But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.
Your grandma enters wet t-shirt contests.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
Your high school basketball game got rained out.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
Your last keg party included a couple of 911 calls.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your local grocery store also has a few pool tables.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
Your parents met at a family reunion.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
Your prom dress was knitted.
Your school fight song is"Dueling Banjos".
Your christmas lights is the subject of a petition.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
Your spring wardrobe mostly involves scissors.
Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced,
they are still legally brother and sister.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your T.V. is on 24-7.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your whole family is Democrats 'cept little Mary. She lernt how to read.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission
so I can take a bath."
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin' beer when it gets light.
You’ve been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You've changed a diaper on a Denny's table.
You’ve ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
You've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
You've ever named a child after a good dog.
You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
You’ve ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.
You've had to appear in court due to your dogs.
You’ve had to mow around a refrigerator and a bed frame.
You've painted a car with house paint.
You've thrown up in a squad car.
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