Vocalist Jokes

Vocalist Jokes form a small army of musician jokes.

Included in the fun poking are: Sopranos, Altos, Tenors, Basses, Folk Singers, Rock and Lounge Singers.

Remember, this is just fun finger poking....not to be taken seriously.

Musicians that get offended are way to serious.

I know, I was one in days past.

Enjoy the jokes and use them with your musical buddies.

This vocalist is multi-talented.

A Choristers' Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line

The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor.

1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.

2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.

4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.

5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.

6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.

7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.

8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music.

9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.

11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently.

12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection".

13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"

14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget.

Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs!

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."

A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4.
When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The singer says:
"Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says:
"Well, that's what you did last time."

Stay with this video. You won't believe this 14-year-old. She could be the next Celine Dion.

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking,
"Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?"

The soprano answers, "Three."

"Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle.

"Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano.

Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth."

"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the soprano, horrified.

"Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine."

All singers have this fault: if asked to sing among friends they are never so inclined; if unasked, they never leave off.

Altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".

As soon as the singer completed a song, the audience were screaming 'Once More! Once More!'.
The Singer obliged and sang the song again. She couldn't believe it when the audience screamed for her to sing it again. This was then repeated another ten times.
Then singer overjoyed at the response from the audience thanked them and asked them why they were so interested to hear the same song again and again.
One of the people in the audience replied, 'we wanted you to improve it, now it's better.'

Band leader: 'Can you sing from sheet music?'
Singer: 'Of course, but not the first time.'

Coloratura Soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.
She was known as the deep C diva.

Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino?

Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?

How are sopranos defying the laws of astrophysics?
The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.

How do you know there's a girl singer as a patient onthe intensive care unit?
She's the only one that asks for more echo on themonitor.

How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
When the other tenors notice.

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.

What a great find it was when this lady stepped forward.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high.

How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. None. They can't get that high.
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don't know - lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!

How many coloratura sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Her agent does that.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Get the drummer to do it.

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

How many singers does it take to sing 'My FunnyValentine'?
Probably all of them.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They think it's the accompanist's job.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.


1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed

Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old man, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. muddy water
b. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Snapple
b. sparkling water
c. yoohoo

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire or get out a shotgun. I don't care.

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)

1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.

In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.

Minnesinger: a boy soprano.

Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
I don't want the neighbors to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

Musician: How's your singing career coming on?
Singer: Great! Lately I've been concentrating on songs
from the Southern states of America. My audience seemsto prefer them.
Musician: How do you know they prefer songs from theSouth?
Singer: They're always putting cotton in their ears!

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

OPERA -- People singing when they should be talking.
RAP -- People talking when they should be singing.

These guys continue to raise the bar when acapella is the choice.

Operas that never made it:
Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare.
Mozart: The Magic Tuba.
Puccini: La Bamba.
Rossini: The Plumber of Seville.
Verdi: Rigatoni.

Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

Recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.

Singer: So, what do you think of my singing?
Band leader: It could be worse.
Singer: That's not a very nice thing to say.
Band leader: Okay, it couldn't be worse.

Singer: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.

"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."

The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

There are a hundred sopranos buried in sand up to their eyes. Why?
There wasn't enough sand!

There were two old men sitting on a park bench talking to each other when one of them asked,
“Can I sing you a song?”
The other man replied, “Sure, but only if can you sing tenor?”
The first man asked, “What is tenor?”
The other man replied, “Ten or eleven miles away!”

Transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

What do you do when a singer comes begging on herknees?
Shoot her again.

What does a singer do when she opens the fridge in themorning?
She takes a bow.

What did the drummer ask the singer?
"Do you want this too fast or too slow?"

What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.

What do you say when a chick singer reaches the stage?
The chain is too long.

What is the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

What is the definition of an octave?
An octave can be described as having eight diatonic steps, twelve chromatic steps, or twenty-seven when sung by a tenor.

What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

What is the difference between a singer and a grandpiano?
About a semitone.

What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.

What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.

What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
The baritone.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

What’s the difference between a pit bull and an opera singer.

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.

What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.

What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.

Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"

The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"

Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
So tenors can understand them.

Why can't many vocalists get through the door?
They either can't find the key or don't know when to come in.

Why do chick singers always leave all the doors open?
So they can come in when they like.

Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.

Why do singers never say anything bad about musicians?
Because they're too busy talking about themselves.

Why is a bad singer like a bomb?
Because when you hear it it's too late.

Why is it people like to sing in the shower, but not while taking a bath?
Simple. You can't be held under water in the shower.

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