Violin Jokes

Violinist Jokes are created around the people who have mastered what is said to be the hardest musical instrument to control.

A violinist is like all other musicians when comparing the amount of their life spent in the practice room, in lessons, in rehearsals, etc.

No wonder the personality and demeanor of a musician is slightly off center.

It's this creative, aggressive side that places us just below the earmark of being a genius.

Did I hit the mark or what?

Enjoy these jokes....some might even have some truth in them.




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A cop was walking down the street, and in front of a theater he came across a strange scene. A tuxedo-clad man was repeatedly kicking another man who was down on the sidewalk.
"'Ere 'ere, wot's all this?" the cop said, or words to that effect.

Tux: Well, see, officer, I'm a violinist.

Cop: So?

Tux: It's like this-- during a break, he came down from the audience and detuned one of my strings!

Cop: That's all very well, but I don't see why that entitles you to be kicking this poor gentleman.

Tux, Well, you see officer, he won't tell me which string!
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A violinist and a friend were sitting in a coffee shop drinking coffee and watching the news on the little TV in the corner. As they watched, the news anchor came on and said, "15 Brazilian soldiers were killed today..." The violinist looks at his friend and says, "Oh, that's so sad! How many is a brazillian?"
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A violinist and a violist are standing on a soccer field. In the middle of the field there sits a crisp $100 bill. Who gets there first and grabs it?

The violist. A violinist isn’t going anywhere for only $100.
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A violinist goes to preschool one day. When he comes back, he says to his mother, "Mommy, guess what! We did the alphabet today! I read farther than anyone else."

His mom said, "That's good honey! That's because you play the violin."

The next day he goes back to school. Again, when he comes home he says, "Mommy, guess what! We did counting today and I could count farther than anyone else."
Once again his mother says, "Well done, honey. That's because you play the violin."

The next day brought the same routine. The violinist comes home and says, "Mommy, guess what! We measured our height today and I was much taller than anyone else!
Is that because I play the violin?"

"No" his mother replies, "It's because you're 25!"
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A violinist is walking on the beach one day when he comes across a lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me," says the genie. "I am not the most powerful genie, so I'm afraid I can only offer to grant one wish."

Without missing a beat (!), the violinist says, "I'd like there to be peace in the Middle East."

The genie, having been in a lamp for several centuries, asks him to explain. The violinist pulls out a map and details the situation at length.

"Euhhh," says the genie, "that sounds pretty complicated; I don't know if I can pull it off. Do you have a second choice?"

The violinist thinks for a few seconds. "Well, I'd like to be the concertmaster of the Berlin Philharmonic."

The genie says, "Let me take a look at that map again..."
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A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."

His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
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Did you hear about the violinist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?

The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
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"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
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How can you make two violinists play in unison?

Shoot one of them.
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How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?

The bow is moving.
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How can you tell the difference between a bunch of grapes and a violin section?

Jump up & down on one and you get wine, on the other you get whines.
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How can you tell who sits last chair in the violin section?
This person is the only violinist that doesn't have a knife in their back.
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How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?

Put it in a viola case.
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How do you make a fiddler's car more aerodynamic?

Remove the pizza delivery sign from the roof.
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How do you make a violin sound like a viola?

Sit in the back and don't play.
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How do you make a violin sound like a viola?

Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
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How do you shut up a violinist?

Take away the cardboard cut-out he's been talking to.
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How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.
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How's a violin like a vampire?

They sleep in cases.
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How's a violin like a vampire?

They leave marks on your neck.
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How's a violin like a vampire?

They melt in direct sunlight.
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Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.

"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."
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Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over,
the strings are attached.
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String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
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Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
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Violinist, can you sing?

No, the Good Lord propped this piece of wood under my chin to keep my mouth shut.
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What do a violin and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
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What is the difference between a violin and a viola?

A viola burns longer.
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Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?

It is usually still in the case.
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
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What do you call a violinist who is faithful to his/her spouse ?

A virtuoso.
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What do you call a violinist with perfect pitch?

A starter for the Chicago Cubs.
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What do you call one pretty good violinist, one better-than-average violinist, one failed violinist, and someone who hates violinists who are all together in the same room?

A string quartet.
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What do you get if you cross a violin player with a drummer?

Seriously stupid kids.
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What does a violinist do 2 hours after he locked his keys in the car?

He tries to rescue the viola player who's still inside.
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What is a brain surgeon from Rome who plays the violin called?

A Nero-surgeon.
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What is the difference between a violin and a viola?

A viola burns longer.
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What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.
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What is the difference between the first and last desks in the 2nd violin section?

About half a measure.
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What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
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What's the difference between a pizza and a violinist?

The pizza can feed a family of four.
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What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

A fiddle is fun to listen to.
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What's the difference between a violin and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
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What's the difference between a violinist playing in "D" and a locksmith?

A locksmith knows how to change keys, and can get paid for it !
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What's wrong with driving off a cliff with 5 violinists in a minivan?

You could fit more.
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Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?

They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.
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Why are violinists always playing scales?

They can remember the tune.
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Why did the violinist cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.
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Why do violinists become good politicians?

They've had a lifetime of practice waffling their position.
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Why did the blonde violinist quit the symphony?

Because she got insulted when the conductor said she was too loud and should try playing piano instead.
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Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?

Violins don't have spit valves.
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Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?

It is usually still in the case.
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Why doesn't anyone ever compliment a violin player?

Because everyone knows that the real instruments deserve all the compliments.
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Why don't violinists play hide and seek?

Because no one will ever look for them.
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Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?

Both are offensive and inaccurate.
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Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?

You might bend the nail.
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Why shouldn't violinists take up mountaineering?

Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
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You see a conductor and a violinist crossing the road. You can only hit one. Which do you hit?

The conductor. Business before pleasure.
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