Versions of
Twas The Night Before Christmas

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by Clement Clarke Moore

or Henry Livingston

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Twas the Night Before Christmas For Teachers

By Joyce Luke

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school

Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.

The children were busy with paper and paste;

The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,

Had just settled down to work with her dears,

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter

up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash;

The one who was leading went down with a crash.

Then what to their wondering eyes did appear

But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.

She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!

She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)

But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;

"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!

Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!

Now get to your places get away from the hall

Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.

They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;

Their faces were shining and each had a smile.

First came a basket of popcorn to string

Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).

As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;

The pupils were merrily romping about.

The state they were in could lead to a riot;

The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.

Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!

The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!

The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;

It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.

The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,

But the children ignored it; they did every year.

A tear from her eye and a shake of her head

Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.

She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,

Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.

But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;

Then came the bell and the children were free.

Their shrill little voices soon faded away

And peace was restored at the end of the day.

As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,

She smiled as she whispered,

"Merry Christmas to All"

Congressional “Twas The Night Before Christmas”.

"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves,

Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.

They cared not a whit what the public might think

"Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.

And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,

they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"

They scoffed at the thought that we might object,

to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.

They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --

bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)

Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,

celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),

Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,

as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.

If all workers decided what they were due,

they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!

But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,

and one out of 20 has no job at all,

our millionaire Congress decides on the budget

land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.

We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.

With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,

we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!

Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -

dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

If in this feeling I'm not alone,

take up your pen or pick up your phone.

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,

let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset

let your congressman know that you won't forget!

When election times comes -- and certain it will --

you're voting him out for passing that bill.

More rapid than eagles, their elections assured

they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.

And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,

"Merry Christmas to us, and the public be damned!

'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Legal Version

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain

improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of

stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and

around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/

St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House,
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations,

i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited

to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part

sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"),

being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"),
and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep.

At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning,

there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn,

a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.

The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe,

with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief,

a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.

The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer").
(Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus,

the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences

located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted

that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.

Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney,

and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.

He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children,

which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts.

(Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."

Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House,

the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

Or words to that effect.

`Twas Da Night Befo` Christmas

Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood

Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good

The tube socks was hung on the window sill

and we all had smiles up on our grill

Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib

in the back bedroom cuz that's how we live

and moms in her do-rag and me with my nine

had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by

Bumpin phat beats cuz the system's fly

I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'

Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's--

well anyway

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!

She said, Stop frontin just mind yo' bidness

I said, for real doe, come check dis out

We weren't even buggin, no worries, no doubt

Cuz bumpin an thumpin' from around da way

Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh

Da beats was kickin, da ride was phat

I said, Yo red Dawg, you all that!

He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,

"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!

To the top of the projects and across the strip mall,

We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof

and sippin on a 40, he busted a move

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"

he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!

But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz

I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."

Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings

a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.

he slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat

and busted the window with a b-ball bat

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"

he said,"You best get on up out my face!"

His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold

His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old

He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side


A wink of his eye and a shine off his god toof

He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof

He jumped in his hooptie with rims made of chrome

To tap that booty waitin at home

and all I heard as he cruised outta sight

was a loud and hearty.....


Senator Roland Burris Version

It was the night before Christmas, and all through the Senate

the right held up our health care bill, no matter what was in it.

The people had voted a mandated reform

but Republicans blew off the gathering storm.

"We'll clog up the Senate," they cried with a grin.

"and in the midterm elections, we'll get voted in."

they knew regular folks needed help right this second

but fund-raisers lobbyists and politics beckoned.

So try as they might Democrats could not win

because their majority was simply too thin

Then across every state there rose such a clatter,

the whole Senate rushed out to see what was the matter.

All sprang up from their desk and ran from the floor,

straight through the cloakroom and right out the door.

And in what in the world would be quite so raucous,

but a mandate for change from the Democratic caucus.

The president, the speaker, of course leader Reid

had answered the call in our hour of need.

More rapid than eagles, the provisions they came

and they whistled and shouted and called them by name:

better coverage, cost savings, a strong public plan

accountable options, we said "yes, we can."

No exclusions or changes for preexisting conditions.

let's pass a bill that restores competition.

The Democrats all came together to fight

for the American people that Christmas eve night.

And then in a twinkle, I heard under the dome

the roll call was closed, and it was time to go home.

Despite the obstructionist tactics of some,

the filibuster had broken, the people had won

And a good bill was ready for President Obama,

ready to sign and end health care drama.

Democrats explained as they drove out of sight,

better coverage for all, even our friends on the right.

And I say to all of my colleagues in this season,

Merry Christmas and a happy, happy new year.

'Twas the night before Christmas (Military version)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,

Air defences were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,

As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,

Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,

And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense

That nothing that flew could slip through our defence.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter

I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;

I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,

Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:

An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.

"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,

As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!

And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock!

Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!

Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.

Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,

And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,

As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,

Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea

Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,

Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.

There are unhappy kids in each village and town.

For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade

All the web of defences we've carefully made.

But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,

All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.

So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,

For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!

'Twas the Night Before Christmas Italian Style

Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mella,

Not a creature was stirrin',

Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof

I heard somethin' pound,

I sprung to da window,

To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my

Wanderin' eyes should appear,

But da Don of all elfs,

And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,

And a silk red suit,

don Christopher wuz here,

And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,

And a yank on dare manes,

He cursed and he shouted,

And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,

Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,

Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,

Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun

And hid by da bed,

He flew troo da winda

And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'

Pullin' a gun on da Don?

Now all you're gettin' is coal,

You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga

Right unda my nose,

He twisted his pinky ring,

And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,

Obscenities screamin',

Away dey all flew,

Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,

What I did least expect,

"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,

And yous better show some respect!"

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