Valentines Day Jokes

Valentines Day Jokes highlight that which is for one day of the year, lasts for the entire year.

Use some of these at your Valentines Day Dinner or Party.

Check here for some additional great jokes!




Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
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Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."
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Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better.
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What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hog and kisses!
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,balding man standing at the counter methodically placing"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all overthem. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts sprayingscent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to thebalding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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Worst thing to say on a first date


I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.

I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.

Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.

I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice."

Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.

Wait till my wife hears about this!

I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.
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Knock knock!
Who's there?
Sherwood
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to be your valentine!
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Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.
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Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!
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Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you.
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What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?
A stupid cupid!
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What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
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Things Not to Say on Your Valentine's Date


I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I like clay. It's mushy.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
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What did one oar say to the other?
"Can I interest you in a little row-mance?"
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What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
It made him wed his plants!
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What happened when the two angels got married?
They lived harpily ever after!
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Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'.'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'
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Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
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Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.
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Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
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Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
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Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.
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Q: What is a ram's favorite song?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear
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Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.
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Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.
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Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed', guess who' ?
A: A divorce lawyer.
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Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
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Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.
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It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand. Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.
Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted', Okay, who's got the remote control?'
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Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!
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Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
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What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"
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A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean? $300?"
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What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"
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Think, But Don’t Say

“Did I tell you about that wonderful beaded dress I almost bought for you ? But then I thought you’ll look great without it, just the same.”

“This restaurant’s terrible, but it was the only place offering 50% off on Valentine's Day dinner, so I had to bring you here.”

“I know you don’t eat stuff with faces, that’s why I ordered turkey legs.”

“It’s been much better ever since I accepted that my Valentine's Day dates would never be smart.”

“My ex and I came here for our first date. Isn’t that nostalgic ?”

“Weren’t you the geekiest person in college ? How did you do a makeover ?”

“Oh ! You’re having that ? Excuse me, got to run to the ATM.”

“Thank god I listened to my friends, or else I would never have called you back.”
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Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because spleens would look pretty gross!
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If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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Knock knock!
Who'e there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
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Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard you like a big kiss?
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What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day?
Owl be yours!
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What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?
Cauliflowers!
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What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!
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What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
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What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"
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What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
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A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Pooch
Pooch who?
Pooch your arms around me, baby!
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What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!
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What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine's Day?
I Love Ewe!
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What do you call a very small Valentine?
A Valentiny!
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What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's Day?
I'm nuts about you!
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What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine's Day?
You're nuts so bad yourself!
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Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.
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When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.
'The first ten years are the hardest.'
'How long have you been married?' she asked.
'Ten years', he replied.
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Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $100 but on one condition.'

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'

Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'

There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'
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What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
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What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"
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Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
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Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!
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A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards forhis daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds ofcards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they haveanything for ex-wives.”
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir. They’re called darts.”
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