Tuba Jokes

Tuba Jokes never "bottom out" when competing against the jokes of the other members of the brass family. I've known many tuba players in my life. They are all a great bunch of unique personalities.

One of my favorite stories is when I stopped this tuba player from coming in with a blast since he had the wrong song pulled on his stand. The actual number was tacet for him since it was a very quiet piece for flute and strings.

I heard him taking a big breath getting ready to spear his opening note. I grabbed his leg to get his attention. He growled at me saying, "What the heck?"

He realized I just saved his life in a way.

I've featured some of my old buddies on this page as the jokes flow. Hope you can use some of these on your students or colleagues.




Dan Perantoni, Professor of Tuba at Indiana University

Dan Perantoni was the coach of our brass quintet while I was studying at the University of Illinois. He used to go Brass Christmas caroling with us (even when it was 10 degrees ouside) then over to his house for hot chocolate and plenty of jokes. He knew a million of them. Dan also plays with the St. Louis Brass Quintet.

A guy goes into a bar and gets really drunk. He decides before he leaves that he needed to go to the bathroom, so he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.
The bartender says it's down the hall and on the left. The man thanked the bartender and goes down the hall and to the right.When he enters the room he sees a bright shiny gold thing in the corner. The man thinks "This place has really got class what with the gold toilet." So the man does his duty and goes home.The next day he calls up the bar and tells them that he thinks their bar has class because hey have gold toilets.
The bartender puts down the receiver and yells,
"HEY JOE, I THINK WE JUST FOUND THE GUY WHO CRAPPED IN YOUR TUBA!"
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A symphony was performing Beethoven's 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands. When the tubas finished playing their part in movement 1, they decided, since they had 2 movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as they ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn't untie the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, "Oh lord, it's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"
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A tuba is much larger than its name.
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Fnugg, How It All Started

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A tuba player died and went to heaven. There he met St.Peter who gave him the finest selection of tubas ever. After he selected one St. Peter told him that rehearsal for the Angel Band was in five minutes. When he had finished warming up God stepped on the podium dressed in a late 1800's Marine's uniform. Being a Sousa fan, he was very upset over this. He promptly asked the person next to him, pointing at the podium, "Who does he think he is John Philip Sousa?" The man misunderstanding where the tuba player was pointing, said, "No, that is Stephen Collins Foster, Sousa is sitting in with the saxophones today."
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Dan Anderson, Professor of Jazz Bass and Tuba at Columbia College

I knew Dan when we were students at the U of I. We both played in the Garvey Band. We played the Mobile and Notre Dame Jazz Festivals. He is an exceptional jazz and dixieland player. He currently plays bass with the Chicago Jazz Ensemble and tuba with the Chicago Symphony.

A tuba player walks into a bar................It cost him $175.00 to have the dent removed.
____________________

A young child returned from his first music lesson on the tuba.
"How did it go?" asked his father.
"Great," said the child. "I learned how to play a 'C'."
The next week the child took another lesson and his father asked about the lesson.
"Terrific," said the child. "I learned how to play a 'G'."
The following week the child didn't come home. The father was frantic with worry when the child didn't come home until 2:00 AM.
"Where in heck have you been ," shouted the father.
"I had a gig!" answered the son.
____________________

An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play.
"I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist.
To which the conductor replies,
"But we are past those 84 bars already."
The tubist: "How should I know that?"
The conductor replies,
"You can count, can't you?"
The tubist: "Do you call that rest?"
____________________

Fnugg Blue, The Solo

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Four cowboys are sitting on a mountain one night having a few cold ones around a campfire, one a trumpet player, one a horn player, one a conductor and the other a tuba player.
The trumpet player tosses an empty can of Budweiser into the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it declaring "I just killed the king of beers!".
The horn player, not wanting to be outdone, tosses his empty can of Coors into the air, shoots it and declares "Ha! I just shot the silver bullet!".
The tuba player, ever so suave, reaches into his pack, pulls out a bottle of Michelob, calmly drinks the whole thing, tosses his bottle into the air and shoots the conductor. Grinning broadly at his fellow players he says "Guys, it just doesn't get any better than this."
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Hey, did you hear about the tuba player who finished high school?
Me neither.
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Skip Gray, Professor of Tuba at the University of Kentucky

I met Skip at the U of I. We played in a quintet together. In the summer we spent as much time on the softball field as in the practice room.

How do a tuba player's brain cells die?
Alone.
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How do you get a tubist to stop playing?
Recite any line from any Monty Python skit. They’ll be shouting 'Ni!' for hours. On second thought, just go buy some earplugs.
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How do you get a Tuba to sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.
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How do you get a tuba player out of a tree?
Cut the noose.
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How do you get the viola section to sound like the tuba section?
Have them miss every other note.
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How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a "tuba glue."
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How do you keep a tuba player in suspense?
Don't bother cutting him out of the tree.
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How do you raise the town's IQ?
Shoot the tuba player.
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How do you tune two tubas?
You shoot one!
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How many times does a tuba player laugh at a joke?
Three times,... once when he hears it, once when it's explained to him and once when he gets it.
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How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
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Jerry Young, Professor of Tuba at the University of Wisconsin

I met Jerry in a Charles Leonhard class at the U of I. We played in a quintet together and shared the grind of brass methods. Jerry helped me get into the "impossible" married student housing.

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to congratulate him down at the pub afterwards.
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How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to tune it.
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How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to do breathing exercises until the room spins.
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How many tubas does it take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb, 4 to complain how high it is.
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How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll complain about how high the socket is.
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tuba !
Tuba who?
Tuba toothpaste!
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tuba!
Tuba who?
Tuba glue!
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One day Timmy came home from school very excited...
"Mommy, Mommy, guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!"
His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a tuba player."
The next day, Timmy was even more excited.
"Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"
"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a tuba player."
On the third day, Timmy was beside himself.
"Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a tuba player?"
"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 27 years old."
____________________

One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbors: "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there's the guy that keeps banging his head against the wall."
"You better keep away from them," she said.
"I am. I stay inside all day playing my tuba."
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THE BRASS:
Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I'll admit, though, they do look good when they're all cleaned up. They'll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They're worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenseless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don't think so.

Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don't shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good bowlers. This is true.

The French horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They'll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife or all the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren't afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn't smell so sweet.

The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They'd give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting to take in the bath with you. It's a crying shame that there's only one per orchestra. Wish that it could be different.
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There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
The policeman.
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Top Ten Reasons to Play Tuba:

10. It's better than playing bagpipes.

9. When you play, people listen.

8. During rehearsal you get to sit in the back of the room.

7. During marching practice you can use the bell to block out the sun.

6. People hold doors open for you.

5. You don't have to wear those silly hats.

4. Many girls do prefer guys with large instruments.

3. You can say "Here comes Niagra..." right before emptying your tuning slide.

2. You'll never be blamed for being the one with the squeaky reed.

1. BECAUSE I PLAY TUBA!!!!
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Top Ten Uses For Tubas:

10. A musical instrument.

9. A floatation device.

8. Something flute players can't keep their hands off.

7. A mirror.

6. Punishment. (freshmen carry heavy tubas all year)

5. A battering ram.

4. A chair.

3. Babe Magnet.

2. Trash Can.

1. Storage Container for music, field show charts, soda, food, tools, towels, and koosh balls!
____________________

Two guys were sitting next to each other on a plane, and one says to the other, "Hey I've got a great joke about a tuba. Want to hear it?"
The other guy said, "Sure, but I have to tell you that I'm a tuba player."
"That's okay," the first man said. "I'll tell it slowly."
____________________

Two notes on a tuba. One is Bb. The other isn't.
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Two tuba players are walking past a bar... (Well, it could happen!)
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Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
____________________

Tubas Horoscope: If you play this "umpa, umpa" then you are most likely to be like the bass clarinets. Out-going, "wild" and open minded. Congratulations, you've strived to be different in this world. Not only that but if you play this monstrosity of a horn then you are probably in good shape. As far as your enemies I would say it would be the entire woodwind section, because it is your mission and goal in life to over play them in band. But of course the bass clarinets and saxophones love you because you share the same mission.
____________________

What did the tuba player get on his test?
Drool.
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What do you call a tuba player with a pager and a cell phone?
Optimistic.
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What do you call it when a tuba falls out of a building and lands on a little kid?
A flat minor.
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What do you call it when a tuba falls out of a building and lands on a military officer?
A flat major.
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What do you call 2,000 tubas laying at the bottom of the ocean floor?
A good start!
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What do you do if you run over a tuba player?
Back up.
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What do you get when you cross a tuba player and a goal post?
A goal post that can't march.
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What do you get when you toss a tuba down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
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What do you never say about a tuba player?
"That's the tuba player's Porsche."
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What does a high school tuba player get on his/her SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Test)?
Drool.
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What is Black and Brown and looks good on a tuba player?
A Doberman.
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What is the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
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What Is Tuba Backwards?
A But.
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What would you call the smartest tuba player in the world?
Mildly retarded.
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What's a tuba for?
1 1/2 X 3 1/2.
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What's the difference between a chain saw and a tuba?
Some people enjoy listening to a chainsaw.
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What's the difference between a dead tuba player and a dead snake?
The snake died on its way to a gig.
____________________

What's the difference between a tuba and a lawn mower?
The neighbors get upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.
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What's the difference between an onion and a Chinese tuba?
Nobody cries when you cut up the tuba!
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What's the difference between the sounds a tuba makes and a sick elephant?
I can't tell the difference either.
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Why aren't tubas used in country/western bands?
Because they are HEAVY METAL!!!!
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Why are tubas like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and difficult to get into and out of cars.
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Why do tuba players have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.
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Why do tuba players in their whole life play never hide?
Nobody would ever look for them.
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Why did the tuba player switch to the drums?
Because he couldn't read the music.
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Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.
____________________

You drop a Banjo, an Accordion and a Tuba off the Empire State building. Which one hits the ground first?
Who cares?
____________________

Some We Could All Thank


Roger Bobo


Jon Sass


Arnold Jacobs


Harvey Phillips


Kenneth Amis


Jim Self


William Bell






International Tuba Competition 12-13 march 2011 Paris-Ville d’Avray.

Program 1st round:
1/ G.F.HAENDEL : Concerto en sol mineur (arrgt. Hilgers)
2/ PENDERECKI : Capriccio
3/ Bruce BROUGHTON Sonate OR GREGSON Alarum
OR Fr.THUILLIER Rebellion OR
John STEVENS : Remembrance OR Castérède
Sonatine OR KOETSIER : Concertino OR MADSEN
Sonate OR HINDEMITH : Sonate,
OR W.KRAFT : Encounters 2 finale
1/ Eugène BOZZA : Concertino
2/ R.SZENTPALI : Concerto
3/ Jean-Louis PETIT : Statut du temps (Editions Armiane)

Sheet music for the Ville d’Avray/Paris international tuba competition can be purchased at : Editions FORTIN, 16 rue Ganneron, F - 75018 PARIS. tél +33 1 48 74 28 21, FAX : + 33 1 40 23 98 67 e-mail : editions_fortin@club-internet.fr Jury : Gérard BUQUET, Philippe FRITSCH, Hans NICKEL, Jean-Louis PETIT

Competition Regulations:
1/ The competition is open to all tubist’s of any nationality without age limit.
2/ The first round will be held on 12 March 2011 and the finals will be on 13 march 2011 at 5 pm. The final round is open to the public.
3/ The competition registration fee is 50 euros.
4/ The Contestants will be notified as to what time they will compete in the first round. Contestants names will be randomly drawn on 1 march 2011 the scheduled according to the order in which they were drawn. Deadline of sending back the application form : 1 mars 2011.
5/ The juries decisions cannot be appealed.

Application:
Name : Last _______________ First_______________
Address:
City _______________Country_______________
Postal Code _______________ téléphone _______________
fax _______________ e-mail _______________

I have applied to participate in the International Paris Tuba Competition and have understood all the rules of this competition. Enclosed is a check for 50 euros made out to Festival de Musique Française.
Date signature. Please address your application to:
FESTIVAL DE MUSIQUE FRANCAISE attn:
34 Avenue Bugeaud F-75116 PARIS tel.(33.8).77 11 14 57
e-mail: jlpetit@jeanlouispetit.com
Address of the competition: Chateau, 8 rue de Marnes, 92410 Ville d’Avray.
Prizes Awarded:
First Prize : 1500 euros
Second Prize : 1000 euros
Prix du Conseil Général des Hauts de Seine, Prix de la Commune de Ville d’Avray), Prix du Public Competition sponsered by General Council Hauts de Seine, Communauté de Communes “Grand Paris Seine Ouest”, Commune and Concerts Association Ville d’Avray, Editions Armiane-Versailles and Fortin-Paris.

http://tuba.bloguez.com - http://int.comp.paris.va.free.fr/index.html



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