Trumpet JokesTrumpet Jokes really do put into perspective the reasons that trumpet players are the way they are. I know...I am one! Trumpet Players are a select breed unto their own. You can pick one out a mile away.They are goal oriented, stubborn, aggressive, gregarious, confident, competitive...all with big hearts of gold. I had a blast compiling these jokes. It's a phenomenon that musicians tell each other musician jokes about their own chops, axe and personality. It has a way of justifying the way it really is. I guess other people use these jokes to poke fun at the various groups of musicians. These guys are unique in every way. I had a great time finding some of my old trumpet buddies from college, seeing just what they have done with themselves over the last 32 years. I've laced the jokes with their pictures. I can't wait to see which one of them finds this page first....with their face hovering around a great joke. I hope you enjoy these and can get some mileage out of them as I continually do. One night that I'll never forget was having dinner with Doc Severinsen in Chicago many years ago. A friend of ours played with Doc in the NBC Band in the late 1950's so we went with him to catch up on old times. What a thrill this was. Doc really liked Jane, my wife, being a genuine Southern Gal.  David Hickman, Professor of Trumpet at Arizona State Dave is a true virtuoso, having performed thousands of times as a featured soloist with major symphony orchestras. He invests in all his students giving them a head start in their careers. Dave is a trumpet historian and superb trumpet pedagogue. He is truly a walking, talking trumpet Wikipedia. I value the years I spent at the University of Illinois learning from one of the very best.  A great jazz trumpet player dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he finds out that heaven has a jazz band and rehearsal is about to begin. When he arrives at the rehearsal, he finds out that it is the biggest jazz band he had ever seen. There were over twenty trumpet players, including all the greats, like Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Louis Armstrong, and many others. The band sounds incredible, the best he had ever heard, and all of the players were great, with one exception. The lead player was horrible! The lead player had no high chops, couldn't play a decent swing groove, and could not improvise. Yet this horrible player was on lead, really looked like he was getting into the songs, and looked incredibly smug and pleased with himself after every song. Incredulous, he asked the player next to him, "Who is that guy? He's horrible!" The other player replied, "Oh, that's just God. He only likes to think that he's Wynton Marsalis." ___________________ A guy sees a trumpet playing friend of his, hasn't seen him for ages, asks him how he's been doing. " Oh, just great! " says the guy. " I'm doing all the major film calls, for Jerry Goldsmith, John Williams and that bunch, also I've been touring with top groups, I'm first trumpet on the tonight show, I just cut a CD with Quincy Jones and I have five solos on it, and I sub on the L.A. Philharmonic from time to time. What about you? " Ray Sasaki, Professor of Trumpet at the University of Texas. A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he saidthat he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates." "BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it." Customer: "I'd like to get a bottle of valve oil for my new Schill trumpet." Did you hear about the Iraqi Shi'ite Trumpet player who quit the Baghdad Big Band today? Jon Faddis with Dizzy Did you hear about the three trumpet players that wrote a book on scales? Stan Friedman, Composer, Clinician and Soloist Do you play the Trumpet Voluntary? Four trumpet players are in a mini van. The mini van goes off a cliff. How are trumpet players like linoleum? How are trumpet players like pirates? How can you tell a trumpet player's kids at a playground? How can you tell when a trumpet is being too loud? How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other? How do you get a trumpet player out of a tree? How do you get a trumpet player to play fff? Here's a guy who either came out of a padded practice room or has played a few high notes too many! How do you get a trumpet player to play softly? How do you get a trumpet player to stop playing so loud? Mark "Cat" Curry, Owner of Curry Custom Mouthpieces How do you keep a trumpeter from drowning? How do you kill off three trumpet players in a hurry? How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? How do you make your trumpet sound like a french horn? How do you tell a trumpet player's knocking at your door?  How many jazz trumpeters does it take to change a light bulb? How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? How many second trumpets does it take to change a light bulb? How many 3rd cornet players does it take to change a light bulb? How many sections, other than the trumpet section, does it take to change a light bulb? How many times does a trumpet player laugh at a joke? Marcellus Brown, Boise State Department of Bands and Trumpet Studio How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb? How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? If you’re just a stone’s throw away from the trumpet section what should you do. In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said 'tacit'-- so I took it!" David Bilger, Principal Trumpet, The Philadelphia Orchestra One day each section was allowed to have one soloist per section. The different sections resolved who would be the soloist in their own ways. The clarinets picked the loudest person, the flutes picked the most elegant person, the percussion picked the person with the fastest hands, the saxophones picked the person with the most jazz, and the trumpets ended up with the person with the best aim to kill off the other trumpet players. Ron Collier, a very well known arranger was rehearsing a big band assembled to play arrangements of the "Canadiana Suite" by Oscar Peterson. At some point plunger mutes were required and all the trumpet players but one got them out. So anyway, there's this Jazz trumpet player who's never made the money he wanted, but hey, that's jazz. He gets run over by a bus and due to his unruly life, goes down to Hell. He stood at the rusted iron gates when a bellowing voice calls out, So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. Bob Allison, Professor Of Trumpet, Southern Illinois The Definition of "trumpet" in The Band Dictionary: TRUMPET: 1. An instrument that is meant to be played as loud and out of tune as possible at all times. The horn section of a jazz combo was on the way to a gig and were killed in a tragic car accident. When they arrived in heaven, God personally greeted them at the front gate and asked each of them who they were and what they did on earth. Bruce Briney, Professor of Trumpet, Western Illinois University There's three clarinetists who are traveling with their band group on a train to reach the place where they're having a concert. The three clarinetists, however, only buy 1 ticket for them all. The three trumpet players behind them say: Three famous trumpet players are up in an airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?" Tiny Tim says to his mother, "Mother, I'd like to be a trumpet player when I grow up." His mother replies "Nonsense! You're already lame!" Mike Popp, RETIRED......... What are trumpets made out of? What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"? What do trumpet players say when you answer the door? What do trumpet players use for birth control? What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a trumpet player?A tattoo. What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a brain? What do you do if you see a bleeding trumpet player running around in your backyard? What do you do when a trumpet player knocks on your door? What does vibrato mean to a trumpet player? What is a gentleman? Rusty Smith, Soloist, Studio Musician, Teacher What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? What is the range of a trumpet player? What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars? What's the definition of an optimist? What`s the difference between a baroque trumpeter and a dressmaker? What's the difference between a dog and a trumpet player? What's the difference between a free jazz trumpeter and a terrorist? What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? What's the difference between a puppy and a trumpet player? What's the difference between a 2nd trumpet and a broken vending machine? Mike Chunn, Professor of Trumpet, Kent State What`s the difference between a trumpet and a bazooka? What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw? What's the difference between a trumpet player and an extra large pizza? What's the difference between a trumpet player and Barack Obama? What's the difference between a trumpet player and God? What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work? Mike Dorau, Consultant What's the range of a trumpet? What's the secret trumpet handshake? Why are cornets smaller than trumpets? Why are trumpet jokes so short? Why can't gorillas play trumpet? Why do you bury trumpet players six feet under? Why do trumpet players only use one hand to play their horn? Why did God give trumpet players 5% more brains than horses? Why did the chicken cross the road? Why did the trumpet player whine when the conductor told them to crescendo? Why do trumpet players always have trouble entering a room? Why do trumpet players have small brains? Why do trumpet players put a trumpet on the dash of their car? Why do trumpet players screech annoyingly on mezzo forte parts? Peter Trinche, Private Instructor, Long Island Why does a trumpet have three valves? Why don’t cannibals eat trumpet players? Why don’t you ever hear humble trumpet players talk? Why shouldn't you take the trumpet section on a pub crawl? Famous Trumpet Players Appearing in this order:
These are fines for illegal trumpet actions imposed by the International Trumpet Guild: Musical Offenses: Obnoxious show-offy warm-up $25Vibrato on unison passage $50 Failure to swing $1,000 Sound checking section lick obnoxious jazz lick $15 Playing highest not possible during warm-up $10 Raising hand after making a mistake $15 Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig $15 Failure to use 3rd valve slide $50 Being told by conductor to play louder $400 Taking tuning note up octave $25 Taking tuning note up 2 octaves $2,500 Playing a Bb when band tunes on A $75 Blacking out after high note $20 Lead Players Changing mouthpiece mid-song $15 Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig that day $25 Faking section into early entrance $10 Faking self into early entrance $20 Asking leader if it's ok to take lick up $25 Asking leader if it's ok to take lick down $400 Taking lick down on gig that you took up on rehearsal $100 Missing last note of "In The Mood" $200 Robah Ogburn, Trumpet Repairing, Swing Band Non-Lead Players: Missing entrance when lead player drops out on unison $15Hanging over past lead player on last chord $100 Attempting unassigned high lick lead player biffs $50 Asking lead player what mouthpiece he uses $75 Pointing out to lead player that guy on record took last passage up $20 Attempting to out-screech lead player on last chord $100 Attempting to out-screach lead player at any time $500 Equipment Violations: Dropping mute $10Dropping horn $20 + repairs Dropping dead WARNING Forgetting pencil $20 Forgetting mutes $50 Forgetting bowtie or socks $30 Forgetting mouthpiece $30vPlaying with screw-on rim $10 Blaming mistake on sticky valve $25 Looking into bell after a mistake $100 Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell $75 Polishing horn on stage $15 Criminal Bad Taste: Quoting Herb Albert or Chuck Mangione song $25Casually mentioning to director of cheap theatre that you also play keyboards $100 Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days $50 Farting on the bandstand $25 Taking a dump on the bandstand $75 Talking about great deal on your new horn $10 Hawking your old horn on the bandstand $15 Having a nicer gig bag then the rest of the section $10 Practicing legit style on commercial gigs $35 Beginning sentence with "When I played with Stan Kenton..." $50 Basic Stupidity: Continually asking, "Where are we?" $25Drunkeness on gig $25 Stonedness on gig $25 Sobriety on gig $75 Sitting next to leader at pre/post gig meals $100 Pretending to be friends with bone players $10 Actually being friends with bone players $20 Dating a bone player $75 Loaning money to a bone player AMOUNT LOANED Wearing old MF tour shirt $15 Wearing new MF tour shirt $25 (MF=Maynard Ferguson...$500 for not knowing this)  Please use the link pad below to quickly view the many pages of jokes. Return from Trumpet Jokes to Musician Jokes Return from Trumpet Jokes to Short Hilarious Jokes Have You Got a Great Joke You Would Like to Share with Us?We all would love to hear your best joke. Share it with all of us. If you'd like, I'll put a page together featuring YOU and your best jokes. Folks can find their own personal pages on YOUR PAGES off the Home page.
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A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus...A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna shag it!
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpet player's car? 
The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
There are two sides to a Trumpeter's personality. There is the one that lives only to lay waste to woodwinds, strings, french horns, percussionists, and trombones, leaving them lying blue and lifeless alongside the swath of destruction that is the Trumpet's fury. And then there is the dark side.
Trumpets: “You mean there are other sections in the band.”
What's the difference between a sea gull and a trumpet?
What’s the range of a solo trumpet player?
Why do trumpet players wince when they hear a trumpet joke?
