Thanksgiving Jokes

Thanksgiving Jokes point to the ridiculousness we all experience every fourth Thursday in November.

It's always been a phenomenon to me that people who don't get along force themselves to share one day a year and stuff themselves just shy of popping.

These jokes cover all bases, the Pilgrims, Indians, the home ceremony, even the turkey itself.

There's a little turkey in all of us.




A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one fresh enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Don't you have fresh turkeys?" The stock boy answered, "But they are all dead. Now how can I make them take a bath?"
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A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
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A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"
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Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"

Little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
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Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Yes - a building can't jump at all.
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Did you hear about the gobbler who bounced around the barnyard?

He was a perky turkey!
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Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"

"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"

"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."
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How can you make a turkey float?

You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey.
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How can you send a turkey through the post office?

Bird class mail!
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How can you tell a male turkey from a female turkey?

The male is the one holding the remote control.
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How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?

He was very thinkful.
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How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?

It hugged the shore.
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How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I’ll let you know next week!
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How does a Turkey drink her wine?

In a gobble-let.
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How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?

One, but you really have to squeeze him in!
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"I was going to serve sweet potatoes with Thanksgiving dinner, but I sat on them.

"So what are you serving now?"

"Squash."
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!
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If pilgrims were alive today, what would they say?

Do not resuscitate.
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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Their AGE.
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If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?

Goblet.
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It was a few days before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and Clarence Johnson was ready to travel. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared irritating elevator renditions of well known Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, Clarence was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw some mistletoe hanging. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap imitation with red paint on the rounder parts and green paint on the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of annoyance and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a gross mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is hanging," mentioned the attendant.

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss," responded the traveler.

The attendant answered, "That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up," muttered the annoyed man. "Then, why is it there?"

To which the attendant replied, "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
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It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to replicate the tradition, she prepared a turkey dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Why... did it taste funny?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
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It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," the man pleads desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," 'says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers there's one last scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That one's too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer, waits a few minutes and then brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man. "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
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Jolene was only eight years old and lived way out in the country with her parents who rarely entertained any visitors. One day Jolene's mother said that her father was bringing two guests home for Thanksgiving supper.

After they had enjoyed the turkey, Jolene went to the kitchen to help her mother. She proudly brought out the first piece of pumpkin pie and gave it to her father, who then passed the plate to a guest.

When Jolene came out with the second piece and gave it to her father, he again gave it to a guest. This was too much for the little girl. "It's no use, Daddy," she cried. "The pieces are all the same size."
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Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Arthur.

Arthur who?

Arthur any leftovers?
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Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?

No, you should just have the turkey!
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Teacher: "What did the Indians bring to the first Thanksgiving?"

Student: "Baseballs."

Teacher: "Baseballs?"

Student: "Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!"
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Teacher: "Where did the Pilgrims come from?"

Student: "Their parents, of course!"
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Teacher: "Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?"

Student: "Maybe they missed their plane."
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Teacher: "Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?"

Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year and then discover once a year is way too often. -- Johnny Carson
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The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
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'Twas the night of Thanksgiving,

but I just couldn't sleep...

I tried counting backwards,

I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white,

but I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,

the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door

and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky

with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...

Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please.
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Two pilgrims go out hunting. One has two blunderbusses (guns).

The second pilgrim asks, “Why do you have two blunderbusses?”The first pilgrim explains, “I usually miss the first time I shoot. By taking two I can shoot again”.

The second pilgrim thinks for a while and then says, “Why not just take the second one, and only shoot once?”
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What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?

The letter G!
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What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?

Turkey feathers.
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What cat discovered America?

Christofurry Columbus!
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What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving?

He gave tanks.
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What did the farmer say to the green pumpkin?

Why orange you orange?
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What did the little turkey say to the big turkey?

"Peck" on someone your own size!
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What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?

If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
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What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey?

"Pleased to eat you!"
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What did the turkey say before it was roasted?

Boy! I'm stuffed!
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What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?

Ans- Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
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What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?

God save the kin.
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What do Hippies put on their Thanksgiving potatoes?

Groovy.
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What do turkeys like to do on sunny days?

They like to go on a peck-nic.
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What do turkeys use to clean themselves?

They use "feather dusters"!
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What do you call a dumb gobbler?

A jerky turkey
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What do you call a gobbler who thinks he knows everything?

A smirky turkey!
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What do you call the dirt on a Pilgrim's hands?

Pilgrime!
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What do you get after eating way too much turkey and dressing?

Dessert, of course!
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What do you get if you cross a pointy black hat and some leftover turkey?

A Witch-bone.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
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What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?

Fangs-giving.
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What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

He had an arrow escape.
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What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
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What happened when the turkey met the axe?

He lost his head!
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What happened to the turkey whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?

He was tickled to death!
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What has feathers and webbed feet?

A Turkey wearing Scuba Gear!
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What is Thanksgiving for selfish people called?

Thankstaking.
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What is your favorite thing to make for Thanksgiving dinner?

Reservations!
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What key has legs and can't open doors?

A Turkey.
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What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

Plymouth Rock.
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What kind of weather does a turkey like?

Fowl weather.
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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?

Your nose!
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What sound does a space turkey make?

Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
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What vegetables would you like with your Thanksgiving dinner?

Beets me!
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What was the main thing the Pilgrims did during the first winter?

Starve.
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What will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.
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What would you get if you crossed a Pilgrim with a type of cracker?

A Pilgraham!
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What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a baked fruit dessert?

Peach gobbler!
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What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?

A poultrygeist!
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What would you get if you crossed Thanksgiving and Easter?

Feaster Sunday!
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What's a turkey's favorite song?

"I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas."
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What’s blue and covered with feathers?

A turkey holding its breath!
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What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The turkey Trot.
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What’s the best thing to put into pumpkin pie?

Your teeth!
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What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?

The turkey.
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When did the Pilgrims first say “God bless America”?

When they first heard America sneeze!
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When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?

In the dictionary!
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When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand?

On their feet!
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Where did the first corn come from?

The stalk brought it.
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Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

The outside.
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Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
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Why can't you take a turkey to church?

Because they use such FOWL language.
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Why did Johnny get such low grades after Thanksgiving?

Because everything is marked down after the holidays.
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Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?

To keep his wigwam.
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Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner?

He was exceeding the feed limit!
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Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?

He wanted a light snack!
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Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?

Because they couldn’t fit the moose in the oven!
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Why did the pilgrim’s pants keep falling off?

The buckle was on his hat!
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Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected it of fowl play.
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Why did the turkey cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.
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Why did the turkey eat his meal so quickly?

Because he was a gobbler.
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Why did the turkey go to the movie?

To see Gregory Peck.
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Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?

To try to hatchet!
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Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Because he had the drumsticks.
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Why didn’t the Pilgrim want to make the bread?

It’s a crummy job.
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Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?

Because they never learned good table manners.
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Why don’t you eat fish on Thanksgiving?

Because Thanksgiving never falls on a Fry-Day.
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Why should you keep your eye off the turkey dressing?

Because it makes him blush!
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Why was the monster tickled when he ate the turkey?

Because he forgot to pluck the feathers!
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