Southern Sayings

You can decipher these funny southern sayings by listening twice as hard and putting your imagination to work.

I've heard these all my life and thought everyone talked this way.....until I moved to Illinois.

I learned very fast how to rephrase the point I was trying to make.

Enjoy these and print them out to bring with you when you visit the South.

For some additional help wif the Southern Language, see Southern Words.




Southern Sayings



Act like you got some raising.
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Ain't got the sense that God gave a goose.
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Ain't nobody gonna mess on me and call it apple butter!
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As bad-off as a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.
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As confused as a cow on astroturf.
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As useful as a milk bucket under a bull.
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As welcome as an outhouse breeze.
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Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing!
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Barking up the wrong tree.
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Better a good plow mule than a lame horse!
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Between you and me and the fencepost.
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Bless her heart, she can’t help being ugly, but she could’ve stayed home.
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Built like a brick shithouse.
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Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
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Busier than a one-armed paper-hanger.
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Busier than a one- eyed cat watching nine rat holes.
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Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
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But wait, there's more!
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Caught with your pants down.
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Close that NEWmonia hole.
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Close the door, you're letting the flies out.
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Cold as a banker's heart.
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Cold as a cast iron commode.
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Colder than an old maids bed in March.
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Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a bass fiddle.
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Cute as a box full of puppies.
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Don't bite off more than you can chew.
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Don't count your chickens until they hatch.
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Don't go off with your pistol half cocked.
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Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
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Don't know big wood from kenneling.
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Don't know your head from a hole in the ground.
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Don't that just crack yer yaller?
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Don't worry about the mule, just load the wagon.
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Don't you make eyes at me, boy!
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Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!
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Drunker than Cooter Brown.
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Dumb as a bag full of hammers.
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Dumb as a bucket of rocks.
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Each one of his sermons is better than the next!
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Egg-sucking dawg.
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Even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then.
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Enough wrinkles to hold an eight day rain.
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Everything he’s got is on the showroom floor.
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Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
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Feel like I’ been caught between a dog and a fire hydrant.
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Finer than frog hair.
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Fish or cut bait.
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Fly off the handle.
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Get me that whata-ma-call-it or thinga-ma-jig.
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Get the short end of the stick.
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Get your butt off your shoulders!
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Go cut me a switch.
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Go hog wild.
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Go to bed with the chickens.
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Going to town, be back directly.
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Got your feathers ruffled.
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Grab the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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Hand me that DO-HICKY.
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Happier than a fat tick on a skinny dog.
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Happy as a clam at high tide.
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Happy as a puppy with two tails.
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Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ’saucered and blowed.
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Have no axe to grind.
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He ain’t got sense God promised a billy goat on a good day.
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He can’t see the forest for the trees.
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He could eat corn through a picket fence.
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He could talk the dogs off of a meat truck.
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He could tear up a railroad track with a rubber hammer.
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He couldn't carry a tune if he had a bucket with a lid on it.
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He couldn't find his ass with a flashlight in each hand.
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He couldn’t find his rear with his hands in his back pockets.
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He couldn't hit a brahma bull in the ass with a snow shovel!
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He couldn’t hit the water if he fell out the boat.
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He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.
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He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.
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He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
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He looked like a pig on ice.
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He looks like he has been suckin’ a sow!
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He looks like he was inside the outhouse when lightening struck.
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He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.
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He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”
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He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
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He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
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He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
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He was mean enough to hunt bears with a hickory switch.
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He was so fat it was easier to go over top of him than around him.
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He was ugly as a burnt boot.

He will talk your ear off.
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He wouldn't pay a dime to see a pissant pull a freight train.
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He’d argue with a fence post!
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He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.
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He'd have to stand up twice to cast a shadow.
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He'd rather wait until the cows come home.
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He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
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He's about as sharp as a bag full of wet mice.
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He's about as sharp as a mashed potato.
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He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.
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He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!
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He’s as queer as a three dollar bill.
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He's as tight as the pages in a book.
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He's as useful as tits on a boar hog.
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He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!
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He's digging his grave with his spoon.
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He’s faster than a bell clapper in a goose's ass.
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He’s fixing to go there.
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He's got bats in his belfry.
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He’s got a hole in his bag of marbles.
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He's got enough money to burn a wet mule.
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He's half a bubble off plum.
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He’s higher than a Georgia pine.
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He’s not particularly intelligent.
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He’s old as dirt.
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He's one fish shy of a full string.
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He's rough as a corn cob.
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He’s so bad off, his eyes looked like two piss-holes in a snowbank.
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He's so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass.
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He’s so dumb he couldn’t pee his name in the snow.
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He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
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He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.
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He’s so skinny, his pants had only one back pocket.
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He's so tight he'd squeeze a nickel 'till the buffalo farts.
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He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.
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He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.
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He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!
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He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.
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He’s three sheets to the wind.
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He's tougher than a two-dollar steak.
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He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west.
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Hell, she could even depress the devil.
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Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.
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Her driveway doesn't go all the way to the road.
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Her hair looks like a cats been suckin' on it.
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Her hair looks like it caught on fire and somebody put it out with a brick.
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Her mouth flops like a barndoor in a windstorm.
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His family tree ain't got no branches.
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His pants were so tight that if he farted, he’d blow his boots off.
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Hotter than a Laredo parking lot in the summertime.
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I ain't seen you in a coon's age.
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I ain’t seen you in a month of Sundays!
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I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.
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I could eat the arse out of a low flying pigeon.
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I didn't come in on the turnip truck!
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I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.
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I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out.
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I feel like I been drug through a knot hole back’ards and beat over the head with buzzard guts.
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I feel like I was rode hard and put away wet.
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I gotta wind the cat and put the clock out.
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I had to go around my elbow to get to my thumb.
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I have a bone to pick with you.
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I heard they ate supper before they said grace!
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I knowed him since he wuz knee high to a grasshopper.
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I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
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I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.
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I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off!
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I won't say it's far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.
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I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.
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If a bullfrog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he jumped.
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If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the state line.
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If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.
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If bullshit were music, he'd have a brass band!
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If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about half an acre.
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If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.
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If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
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If I was any happier I’d be twins.
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If she were an inch taller she'd be round.
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If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
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If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride."
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If you don't stop that crying, I'll give you something to cry about!
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If you lay down with the dawgs, you're bound to get up with fleas.
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If you put her brains in a thimble they'd rattle like road apples in a bushel basket.
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I'll hit you in the Adam's apple so hard you'll be spitting cider for a week.
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I'll jerk a knot in your tail!
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I'll knock you so hard you'll see tomorrow today.
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I'll knock you in the head and tell God you died.
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I'll see you then, Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise.
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I'm as busy as a farmer with one hoe and two rattlesnakes.
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I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.
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I'm fixin' to go down the road a piece.
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I'm fixin ta jerk a knot in your tail!
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I'm gonna beat you like a red-headed step-baby!
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I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit.
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I’m so hungry I’m fartin’ cobwebs.
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I'm too old to cut the mustard.
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It came a gullywusher.
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It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.
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It was so hot you could pull a baked potato right out of the ground.
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It'll last about as long as a fart in a whirlwind.
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It's about as hard as trying to steer a herd of cats.
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It's about as scarce as bird crap in a cuckoo clock.
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It's as dry as the dust in a mummy's pocket.
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It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!
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It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!
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It’s hot enough to peel house paint.
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It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!
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It's no skin off my nose if he wants to do that.
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It’s rainin’ so hard it sounds like a cow pissing on a flat rock.
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It’s raining so hard the animals are starting to pair up.
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It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
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It's so dry the trees are whistling for the dogs.
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It's so foggy, the birds are walkin'.
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I've sallyjacked the potato salad.
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Juke joints.
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Just because their kids were born here don’t make them Southern. My dog sleeps in the garage. It don’t make him a truck.
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Just hold your horses.
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Knee-high to a grasshopper.
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Last hog to the trough.
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Law, pull that down--we kin see plumb to the Promised Land!
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Let it roll off you like water off a duck’s back.
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Like a booger that you can't thump off.
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Like trying to herd cats.
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Living high off the hog.
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Lord, I fell like I’ been rode hard and put up wet.
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Madder than an old wet hen!
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Makes the scarecrow look like a genius!
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Meaner than a skillet full of rattlesnakes.
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More than one way to skin a cat.
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My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull.
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MUCH OBLIGED.
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My eyes were bigger than my stomach.
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Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
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Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
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Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
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Now we’re shitting in high cotton.
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One can short of a six-pack.
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Opinions are like assholes, some are just louder and smellier than others.
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NO!! I AM NOT FALLING ASLEEP!! I was just checking for holes in my eyelids.
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Now, you just go sit in your room till you get over that duck fit.
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Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
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Over yonder.
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Plumb fell off.
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Pregnant before marriage: They ate supper before they said grace.
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Raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken.
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Running like a squirrel in a cage.
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Safe as a tick on a dog with a stiff neck.
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Scared as a cat at the dog pound.
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Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.
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She always looks like she stepped out of a band box.
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She clouded up and rained all over my parade.
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She could make a preacher cuss!
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She could ruin a two-car funeral.
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She doesn't have both oars in the water.
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She had a hissy fit with a tail on it.
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She jumped on that like a duck on a June bug!
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She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.
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She looks like she was born down wind from the outhouse.
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She needs some fries to go with that shake.
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She was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
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She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.
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She was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake.
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She'd complain if Jesus Christ came down and handed her a $5 bill.
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She’s a sweet little heifer.
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She's about as useful as buttons on a dishrag.
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She’s as pretty as two pigs in a poke!
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She's got more nerve than Carter's got Liver Pills. She's got them summer teeth.
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She’s having a hissy fit.
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She's just naturally horizontal.
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She's madder than a wet hen in a tote sack.
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She’s so fat, it takes two dogs to bark at her.
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She's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued’.
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She’s so ugly she’d knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.
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She’s so ugly she’d knock a dog off a meat truck.
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She’s so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
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She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.
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She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
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She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm.
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She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!
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She’s so ugly she’s got ten-foot pole marks all over her.
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She’s ugly enough to scare small children.
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She’s wound up tighter than an eight day clock.
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Sheeew, its cold enough to hang meat in here!
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Sight for sore eyes.
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Sit over here in this here cheer.
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Slicker than owl shit on a July morning.
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Slow as molasses.
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So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
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So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
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So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
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So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.
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So windy we're using a log chain instead of a wind sock.
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Somebody beat him with the ugly stick.
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Sunday go-to-meetin' clothes.
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That baby is so ugly, when he was born the doctor slapped his Mama.
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That boy ain’t right.
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That boy couldn't find his ass with both hands tied behind his back.
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That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.
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That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.
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That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.
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That girl is uglier-n-homemade soap.
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That is crookeder than a dog's hind leg.
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That politician’s so crooked he could hide behind a cork screw!
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That put a quiver in my liver.
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That puts a hitch in my giddy-up.
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That table's so heavy it'd take three men and a midget to lift it.
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That takes the cake.
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That wall is all catawampus.
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That was faster than green grass through a goose.
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That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!
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The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.
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The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
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The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead.
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There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.
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They give me the heebies!
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They’re off like a herd of turtles.
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This is gooder’n grits.
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This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford.
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Tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.
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Tighter than bark on a tree.
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Too big for one's britches.
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Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.
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Up shit creek without a paddle!
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Useless as tits on a bull.
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Wash down as far as Possible.
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We better git on the stick!
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We get along like a house on fire!
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We went to fist city!
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We were so poor my brother and me had to ride double on our stick horse.
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We were so poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
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Well, ain't he just the tom-cat's kitten?
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Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
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Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
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Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!
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Well, I'll just swaney!
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Well he/she's just down rite sorry.
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Well, he's got the same britches to get glad in!
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Well, if that don't beat the band!
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Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!
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Well pick my peas.
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Well, slap my head and call me silly!
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Well that just dills my pickle!
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Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!
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Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!
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When God handed out brains, he was standing behind the door.
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Who pissed in yer wheaties?
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Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?
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Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.
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Would you raise that winder down!
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I'm freezin' my tail off!
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You better straighten up and fly right or I'll knock your teeth down your throat and you'll spit 'em out in single file.
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You can't get rid of 'em. He's like a booger you can't thump off.
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You can't get this wad of toothpaste back in the tube.
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You could start an argument in an empty house.
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You don’t have a snow balls chance in hell, son!
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You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
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You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.
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You look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
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You shore don't sweat much for a fat girl.
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You're a corker.
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You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog! You're the spitting image of your mother/father.
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You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.
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Your ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower!
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I thought all my life that all the Rednecks in the world lived in the South. WRONG! Every state has their share...they just say the same phrases slower and more nasal depending on their location.

Symptoms That You Might Be a Redneck:


You know several people who have hit a deer.

Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” are.

There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

You measure distance in minutes.

You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.

“Vacation” means going to the family reunion.

You use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”

You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, Summer, Still summer, and Christmas.

You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

You think that deer season is a national holiday.

You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

You find 90 degrees F “a little warm.”


About Southerners........

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back drekly (directly)."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart"... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff...bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I'm not from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern women know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!


A Little Southern Humor

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin’ it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

You can say what you want about the South,

But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.






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