Sax Jokes are the perfect compliment to the many pages of Musician Jokes.
I've heard for many years that the only thing worse than having a saxophonist play in your group was having two saxophonists in the wings available, suited up and ready for action.
I wonder if Sax players are like drummers and tell these jokes devoted to them to each other.
Here's the reason we even have Sax Jokes.....
World’s Worst Sax Player
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of alto players...
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one alto player every hour.
A man dies and goes to Heaven...
• Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them.
• He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."
• SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."
• SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."
• SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."
• SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.
• Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.
• "So," one said to the other, "what brand reeds do you use?"
A man goes into a second hand shop. On the shelf is a brass rat.
"I'll take it".
• He walks out with his brass rat heading for home. After half a mile he hears a scampering noise behind him, Looking round he sees a large black rat following him. A hundred yards further on and he is joined by hundreds of large black rats all following him. He comes to the town square and passes a number of busking saxophonists. Past the square he turns down a side street. The rats are closer now and he is becoming frightened. He runs. They run. He turns left down the river bank and in panic throws the brass rat into the river. All the black rats veer off and jump into the river and drown.
• The next day he passes the second hand shop again. He goes in and enquires if they have for sale a brass saxophone.
A man has been trapped on an island for several years when he sees a small wake in the water...
• After a time, a lovely lady scuba diver rises from the surf. She walks to the man and exclaims, " You must be miserable, how long has it been since you have had a great smoke?"
• While the deranged man stammered for an answer, the lovely lady unzips the side pocket on her sleeve, and produces a Cuban cigar.
• She gazes into the now-smoking man's face and whispers, "and how long has it been since you have had a real drink"?
• Again the man stammers as she unzips her other sleeve to produce a flask of ancient Brandy.
• As she teasingly unzips the main zipper to her wetsuit, she asks, "And how long has it been since you have known real pleasure?"
• The man scrambles to his feet and yells "Oh my gosh, you don't really have a saxophone in there do ya?"
A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost.
• The answer was, "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason."
• The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it. As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to a river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.
• The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said, "I told you, you couldn't return the stuffed rat!"
• The man said, "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed saxophonists!"
• As a guy walks through a forest, a fairy suddenly appears and offers him a free wish, whatever it might be.
• So he takes out a pocket atlas and points to different continents: "See, here, there's suffering, there, there's hunger and over there, people are tortured. I want all people to be free and healthy! Can you do that?"
• The fairy sighs and says, "Well, this is very hard, even for me. Is there a chance that you can come up with another wish instead that would make it a little easier?"
• The guy answers, "As a matter of fact, there is. See, I play soprano saxophone, and I have a hard time with the intonation in the upper register. Do you think you could."
• "Okay, okay, let's look at your atlas one more time . . ."
A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
A saxophonist comes home late from a gig... Too tired to carry her sax upstairs, she decides to leave it in the car for the night. When she wakes up she heads to her car only to see the back window smashed in.
When she looks inside she sees two saxes.
A senile old man started walking through town everyday in hopes of seeing interesting new things...
• On the first day, he saw a restaurant offering elephant ear sandwiches. He said to himself, "That's interesting. I'll go back home now."
• The next day, he walked along and suddenly found a dog that swallowed a cow in one gulp. "That's enough for today", he said.
• The very next day, he heard strangely melodic, low pitched music. He slowly walked around the corner and found a tenor sax player practicing. "Okay Harold, you need to go home now. Too much excitement has you hallucinating!"
Do you know why Clinton doesn't play his saxophone anymore?
Cause he is playing with his whoreMonika.
How can you tell if a saxophonist is intelligent?
He can understand a fingering chart except for L.th and R th.
How do altos greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you".
How do you define a perfect pitch?
Throwing an alto sax in a toilet from 20 feet with out hitting the rim
How do you get a jazz tenor to play softer?
Give him some music.
How do you get a jazz tenor to stop playing?
Put notes on the music.
How do you get a tenor to play C flat?
Take the batteries out of her electric tuner.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a saxophonist's car?
Take off the Pizza Hut sign.
How do you know if a saxophonist is at your door?
His hat says "Pizza Hut".
How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
How do you put down a tenor sax?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
How do you tune 5 saxophones?
You shoot 4.
Clinton Plays the Sax
How does a bari sax player's brain cell die?
How does a saxophone recital end?
"Excuse me, sir. Wake up, the concert's over."
How is a tenor solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming but you can't do anything about it.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
How many alto players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• One. She holds the light bulb as the world revolves around her.
• Sixteen. They do everything in large groups.
• One. But he will do it too loudly.
• They aren't going to. Does God change light bulbs?
How many bari players does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&Ms.
How many baritone sax players does it take to pop popcorn?
Two - one to hold the popper and one to shake the stove.
How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth?
All of them.
How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
How many tenor players does it take to change a light bulb?
• None. She will get her boyfriend the drummer to do it.
• Just one, but she'll take two hours trying to find just the right one.
How many tenor sax players does it take to change a flat tire?
Four - one to change the tire, one to work the jack, and the other two to contemplate on how John Coltrane would have done it.
If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.
In an emergency, a jazz tenor player was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra...
Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'- so I took it!"
Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Mabel and Ethel were walking down the street one day, when Ethel spied a frog sitting on the sidewalk...
• "Help me, help me!" the frog said, "I used to be a classical saxophonist, but an evil witch turned me into a frog. The only way to break the spell is to kiss me. Help me, help me!"
• So Ethel picked the frog up, put it in her pocketbook, and they continued to walk along.
• Shortly, the frog popped out of Ethel's pocketbook, and repeated (in its inimitable way), "Help me, help me! I used to be a classical saxophonist, but an evil witch turned me into a frog. The only way to break the spell is to kiss me. Help me, help me!"
• Ethel picked the frog up, put it back in her pocketbook, and they continued to walk along.
• "Why'd you do that?" asked Mabel. "Why didn't you kiss the frog and break the evil spell?"
• "Frankly," replied Ethel, "you can make a heck of a lot more money with a talking frog than with a classical saxophonist!"
One day a person was walking by the band room and saw the Saxophonist moving back and forth in a somewhat irregular fashion, yet also in time with the music. Curious, the person walked in and up to the Saxophonist and said, "So tell me, why is it that you move with the music when you play? Are you really 'getting into it' or something?"
"Well," said the Saxophonist, "I do really get into the music, however the reason I move back and forth so is because of the D--n Trombone player behind me!!"
One day a saxophone player was driving down the freeway when he hit two flute players who were crossing the road. One went through the windshield and the other flew about thirty feet down the road.
• When the policeman interviewed him, he said, "Oh, you're a sax player too, huh? Well, I think I know how we can get these two flutists. I can arrest one for breaking and entering and the other for leaving the scene of the crime."
One day, Saint Peter was interviewing a group of men to see if they should be let into Heaven...
• He asked the first man what good deeds he had done in his life. "Well, I struck it rich in the oil business when I was young. While I was alive I earned a few million and donated half of that to charity." "Very good. Go on in," said Saint Peter.
• "What did you accomplish in your lifetime?" he asked the second guy. "I invested in Microsoft and made three billion dollars. I left it to my children so that now none of my children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren will ever have to work," he proudly replied. "That's amazing!" exclaimed Saint Peter, "Go on in".
• Now the third person walked slowly up to Saint Peter. "What did you do to better the world?" Saint Peter asked. "Well, I only made five thousand dollars", he replied humbly. Saint Peter then asked, "What instrument did you play?".
One day Timmy came home from school very excited...
• "Mommy, Mommy, guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!" His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a bari player."
• The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!" "Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a bari player."
• On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a bari player?" "No dear," she said. "That's because you're 27 years old."
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are percussion-instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers.
There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck. The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and the chief answers, "The drums must not stop." The man is forced to stay the night in the natives village. All through the night, the drums keep on going so he got no sleep at all during the night. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief answered, "Because, when drum solo stop, sax solo start."
This fellow definitely stayed in a Holiday Inn Express...
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a saxophone, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Two bari players walk into a bar.
What's funny is that you would think the second one would have seen the first one do it.
Two bari players walk past a bar...
Hey, it could happen.
Two salesmen are in a bar...
• One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman."
• The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys."
• "Ok," says the first, "you're on."
• The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week.
• The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.
• "Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards.
• The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.
• "Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts.
• The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?"
• "About 60."
• "What kind of reeds do you use?"
Two tenor players meet...
"Hey man, long time no see! What's happening?"
"Don't talk about it! I've had the worst time lately. You know I split up with my wife?"
"No, man I never heard. Sorry."
"And my house burned down with my saxophone in it?"
"Wow, I didn't hear about that!"
"And then I got these terrible cold sores."
"Hey I'm really sorry, no one told me."
"Then because of all my troubles and a horrible borrowed horn I played the worst gig of my life last Saturday night."
"Yeah, I heard about that!"
What are trumpets made out of?
Leftover saxaphone parts.
What calendar does a bari player use for his gigs?
What did the conductor say to the bari sax player?
"Can you play tenor? Ten or twelve miles away?"
What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What do altos use for birth control?
What do you call a bari sax player with half a brain?
What do you call a saxophonist after his girlfriend breaks up with him?
What do you call a saxophonist who plays mostly 1/64 notes?
A: A ballad-specialist.
What do you call a tenor player with a beeper?
What do you call a tenor saxophonist without any money?
What do you call a thousand saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?
Answer: A good start!
What do you say to a sax player in a three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
What does "Da Capo" mean to a tenor player?
Go back to the beginning but play it right this time.
What is Black and Brown and looks good on a saxophonist?
What is the best recording of the Creston Saxophone Sonata?
Music Minus One.
What is the definition of a half step?
Two altos playing in unison.
What is the difference between a bari sax and a 57 Chevy?
You can tune a 57 Chevy.
What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
It's all in the grip.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What is the difference between a soprano sax and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop a soprano sax into little pieces.
What is the difference between government bonds and alto players?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?
The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.
What is the first thing a saxophonist does when he wakes up in the morning?
Goes to his day job.
This was in Popular Mechanics in June 1924.
The instrument weighed over 500 pounds and required climbing a ladder just to get to the mouthpiece.
What is the least used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the saxophonist's Porshe?
What were the saxophone player's grades?
Below C level.
What would a tenor player do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
What's a saxophone made of?
God knows what, but it sure sounds like old lawnmower parts.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
2. The exhaust.
What's the difference between a dead snake lying in the middle of the road and the dead jazz tenor player lying beside it?
The snake might have been on its way to a gig.
What's the difference between a drummer and a tenor sax player?
Drummers get paid to play... somewhere else.
What's the difference between a garbage truck and a bass sax?
One's a massive, noisy, scum-encrusted hulk and the other is a public sanitation vehicle.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
1. Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. You can tune a lawnmower.
3. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
4. The grip.
What's the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower?
A lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it.
What's the difference between a tea strainer and a tenor sax?
The tea strainer doesn't have as many leaks.
What's the difference between a tenor and a bari?
The bari holds bigger plants.
What's the difference between a Tenor sax player and a macaw?
One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, and the other is a bird.
What's the difference between a tenor sax solo and a bottomless pit?
It's reasonable to hope that a bottomless pit won't go on forever.
What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax?
The theory doesn't have as many leaks.
What's the last thing a saxophonist says in a band?
"Hey guys, wanna try one of my songs?"
When should a saxophonist change his reed?
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.
Where can you find a whole bunch of sax players pretending to be practicing?
Which is the ideal place to practice on a tenor-saxophone?
A: In Saddam Husseins bedroom.
B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
C: In a deserted coal mine.
D: None of the above.
Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone-player never, but never practises. The risk of learning to play is too great.
Why are alto's so small?
It's just an optical illusion. The altos aren't small, it is just that the player's heads are so big.
Why can't alto saxophonists stay married?
Blaming it on the reed doesn't work.
Why can't sax players play punk music?
Ever tried to play sax with a pierced lip?
Why can't you hear a soprano sax on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
He hated mankind but couldn´t build a atom-bomb.
Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
Because he kept ignoring the key signature-- he thought it was a suggestion.
Famous Sax Players
Why do sax players leave their reeds on their car's dash?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.
Why do sax players wear their neckstraps around?
So they can get disability discounts.
Why do saxes march when they play?
It is harder to hit a moving target.
Why do saxophonists set their alarms for 6:00?
Most stores close at 6:30.
Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
There's no place to hide your drugs,
Why don't tenor players play hide-and-go-seek?
No one will look for them.
Why is a bari sax a divine instrument?
Man blows into it but only God knows what comes out.
Why is playing the soprano sax like throwing a javelin blind folded?
You don't have to be good to get someone's attention.
Why should you never drive a roof nail with a saxophone?
You might bend the nail.
Why shouldn't you trust sax players?
Because they're too saxophony.
"One of the finest sax players I know."
Listen to Scott and his band.
You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.
You may be a redneck saxophonist if...
Return from Sax Jokes to Musician Jokes
...you have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.
...you spell it "saxaphone."
...you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.
...the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos.
...you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived.
Have You Got a Great Joke You Would Like to Share with Us?
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