Santa Jokes

Santa Jokes usually poke fun at the big guy in the sleigh that drops down the chimney.

No matter what kind of great gifts are being delivered, somehow Santa is always open for a joke.

Wouldn't it be interesting to get the jokes told from Santa's perspective?

Some of these funnies point the finger at the real Santa.




A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"

"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.

He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"
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A man went to his psychiatrist and said,

"What's wrong with me? I'm afraid of Santa."

The psychiatrist said, "You must be Claustrofobic."
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An Engineer's View of Santa Claus

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 71.604 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's been vaporized by now!
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It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when there came a knock at the door. His wife comes in. "Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?" Well, Santa is very busy and so he's slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her, "Put them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I'm trying to get some work done." He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. "Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them?" Santa snaps, "Stick 'em in the sleigh! Can't you see I'm trying to get ready? I don't want any more interruptions!" But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, "Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?" And this is where we get the tradition of placing an angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
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Santa and his reindeer landed on the top of an outhouse. As they skidded to a halt you could hear Santa holler out, "I SAID THE SCHMIDT HOUSE!"
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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santahad the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
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The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'
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Top 10 Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts.

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
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The top 18 Ways to Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
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What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?

Crisp Kringle!
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What's red and white and falls down the chimney?

Santa Klutz!
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When do you stop believing in Santa Claus?

When you start getting clothes for Christmas.
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While working in a store as Santa Claus, I had lots of boys ask me for an electric train set. "If you get your train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.

He promptly replied, "Another train."
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Why does Santa always go down the chimney?

Because it soots him!
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De Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus

And all ower da hood

ereybody wuz sleeping

Dey wuz sleepin' good.

We hunged up our stockings

An hoped like de' heck

That old Santa Clause

Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily

Wuz layin in de beds

While Ripple and Thunderbird

Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo'

Right nex to my Maw

When I heard sech a fuss

I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!

I looked out thru de bars

What covered my doe

'spectin' de sheriff

Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see;

I said, "Lawd look at dat!"

Ther' wuz a huge watermellon

Pulled by giant warf rats.

Now ober all de years

Santa Clause, he be white

But looks liken us bros

Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car

My home boy he came

He whupped on dem warf rats

An' called dem by name.

On Leroy, on Lonzo

And on Willie Lee

On Saphire, on Chenequa

Dey wuz a site to see.

As he landed dat watta'mellon

Out der in da skreet

I knwed it was fo' sho'

Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley

He picked da' lock on my doe

An' I sez to myself

Shit! He done dis befoe."

He had dis big bag

Full of prezents I 'xpect

Wid Air Jordans and fake gold

to wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents

Jus started stealing my shit

Got my drugs, got my guns

Even got my burglars's kit.

Wit my stuff in de bag

Out da windo he flewed

I woudda' tried to catched him

But he stoled my 'nife too.

He jumped on dat wadda'mellon

An' whipped out a switch

He wuz gone in a seccon'

Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin'

Anutha Sanna we git

Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause

Jus' ant' werf a shit!!!







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Late Santa Not rated yet
Why was Santa late bringing all his toys to children Christmas Eve? Because he was busy getting back onto Mrs Claus' "Nice List"

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