Those who play the piano have to deal with all sorts of things.
Many people refer to them as the penist.
They don't always get to play an instrument in tune.
They have to work with singers and instrumentalists who can't keep up.
Their instrument is the most expensive to move.
They cannot do certain kinds of gardening or manual labor because they need their fingers always in perfect condition.
They get made fun of by athletes who are jealous of them later in life when their knees and bodies are shot.
Here are some good piano jokes to use as you need.
10 Reasons Not To Play The Piano
10. More than any other instrument, your rear end will fall asleep.
9. You have to be tall enough to reach the brake pedals.
8. Sharps aren’t any harder to play than normal notes, but then, composers always ask for tons of them.
7. You have to read two staves at once, usually with tons of notes (very difficult).
6. People associate you with conductors because practically all conductors are pianists.
5. You have to explain that the real name of the instrument is the “pianoforte”.
4. People will refer to you as a “penist”.
3. Your hands will become the size of golf umbrellas.
2. Clipping your fingernails too short is worse than knocking out an oboist’s front teeth.
1. You only have to tune your instrument once every nine months, but it costs two hundred dollars.
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Everything from Ragtime to Mozart, and the bartender and patrons are really enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
A note left for a pianist from his wife
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.
Mr. Bean as the Pianist
A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4.
When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar.
On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The singer says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says: "Well, that's what you did last time."
A pianist is playing in a seedy, Mafia-owned tavern in South Jersey...it's 11:55 PM, and he's 5 minutes away from the end of his gig. The owner's assistant comes up to the pianist and says:
"Da boss wants you should play Strangers In Da Nite."
The pianist says: "Okay, no problem."
The henchman continues: "Da boss wants you should play it in F#"...
The pianist says "I usually play it in F, but no problem!"
The henchman goes on: "Da boss wants you should play it in 5/4 time."
The pianist says "But the song is in 4/4 time...How am I supposed to do that?"
Henchman asks him: "Look, you want paid or not?"
So the pianist improvises an introduction, and as he gets to the opening notes of the song, he hears, in a really ugly, raspy voice behind him:
"Strangers in-da-friggin' night....exchanging glances; Strangers in-da-friggin' night ..."
A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.
The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard.
During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.
"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long."
Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title, Do you have another?"
The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet.
The crowd clapped along until it wasfinished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.
"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"
"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler.'
Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job.
So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said,
"Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard.
If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom.
Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, ......
"Sir, do you know your willy’s hanging out for all the world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned
"I wrote it."
Advertisement is a local paper:
" Lagonda Piano for sale. 88 keys. Some black, some white."
As a Piano Tuner, I reported to my wife a call from a disgruntled owner who complained that her piano was "ringing". My wife chuckled and asked "Did you tell her to answer it?"
At a posh wedding reception in Beverly Hills the pianist falls into the swimming pool. The pianist flails furiously while calling for help, yelling "help me! I can't swim!" One of the other guests who happens to be at the poolside says "So? I can't play the piano and you don't hear me complaining."
Definition of a piano tuner: A person employed to come into the home, rearrange the furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner's chief purpose is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano's strings.
Piano Tuner: I've come to tune the piano.
Music Teacher: But we didn't send for you.
Piano Tuner: No, but the people who live across the street did.
Did you hear about the piano player who played in rhythm?
Neither did I.
Did you hear about the stupid pianist who kept banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Doctor Sims has come to see one of her patients in St Mary's Hospital, Copnor, Portsmouth. Louise, the patient has had major surgery to both of her hands.
'Doctor,' says Louise excitedly and dramatically holds up her heavily bandaged hands. 'Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?'
'I don't see why not,' answers Doctor Sims.
'That's strange,' says Louise. 'I wasn't able to play it before.'
Don't date a piano technician, he will just string you along.
For whom did the inventor design a piano with stationary keys?
People who would rather play the violin.
For whom did the inventor design a silent piano?
People who don't like music.
Guy in a bar says to the piano player, " Do you know the way to the restroom?"
Piano player says, "No, but if you would hum a few bars I can fake it.”
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son piano lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Ever wonder why so few wind instrument players also play piano?
It's too hard to lift the piano on end to drain out the spit.
How do you get two piano players to play in perfect unison?
How do you make a million dollars playing the piano?
Start with two million.
How many piano players does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
I was playing last night in a late piano bar. I noticed an elephant crying in the corner. "Ah" I said, "You recognize the tune?".
"No," replied the elephant "I recognize the ivory.
Life is like a piano - what you get out of it depends on how you play it.
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"
"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."
"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."
"How about you?"
"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"
Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Oppernockity. He arrived 2 days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left. Several days later Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about the tuning and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem. However, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Oppernockity only tunes once!"
My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."
"How come?" I asked.
"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."
My piano teacher is really religious. Every time I play, she closes her eyes, shakes her head and says, "Oh Lord."
One of the hazards of the pianist:
People dropping money in my drinks.
Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day and decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling along he heard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house on which was a sign reading:
"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $10.00 an hour."
Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.
Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came to the door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him in and he sat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, afterward spending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him and he departed.
Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took the same walk.
He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the sign, he read:
"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $100.00 an hour. (Pupil of Paderewski.)"
The audience at a piano recital was appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
The piano player went into a bar but kept fidgeting so much that he could not enjoy his drink. Finally the bartender asked him what was wrong. The piano player replied, "My keys, my keys! I can't seem to find my keys!"
There once was a pianist named Damon
wrote a limerick he thought was a great one.
But his friends and associates
thought it quite atrocious,
so they bade him go back to his playin'.
There was a pianist named Dougherty
who played on a piano-forte.
He played on and on,
made the audience yawn,
and died when he was about forty.
What did a piano player say to a tightrope walker?
You better C sharp or you'll B flat!
What did the piano player get on his IQ test?
What do you call a fish musician?
A piano tuna.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric piano have in common?
Both suck when you plug them in.
What do you call a baby grand that is 50 years old with a cracked sound board, rusty strings, and missing keys?
What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A natural major.
What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A flat major.
What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A sharp major.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
See flat major.
What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
Be flat, major.
What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
Root position cords.
What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow". The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
What does a piano player dream about?
What if the piano didn't have sharp keys?
It would just be easier to play.
What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
C sharp or B flat.
What’s the difference between a pianist and a large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can't tuna fish.
What's the difference between a piano and a Harley-Davidson?
One of us might be able to tune a Harley.
What's the difference between a piano accompanianist and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What’s the difference between a piano and an onion?
No ones cries when you chop up a piano.
Why are pianists fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same place twice.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when pushed off a cliff.
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Why was the piano player arrested?
Because he got into treble.
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