Paul Lynde Quotes

Paul Lynde was born in July 1926 in Mount Vernon, Ohio. He established himself in stage productions like New Faces and Bye Bye Birdie (a memorable part he re-created on film), and in roles in such movies as The Glass Bottom Boat, Send Me No Flowers, and as an Indian chief in The Villain, a Kirk Douglas 1979 experiment in comedy.

On television he appeared in The Red Buttons Show, The Perry Como Show, The Paul Lynde Show, and Temperature's Rising, and made memorable guest shots on shows like I Dream of Jeannie and The Munsters.

But on television he'll always be remembered for two things: the practical-joking wiseacre warlock, Uncle Arthur, on Bewitched...and of course, the center square, where he christened and launched thousands of sassy little barbs.

Paul Lynde sitting in the favorite center square on Hollywood Squares made over 3,200 appearances on the show.




A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world.
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A room is like a stage. If you see it without lighting, it can be the coldest place in the world.
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An actor shouldn't undergo psychoanalysis, because there are a lot of things you're better off not knowing.
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Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable.
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Food was a constant topic of conversation in our household.
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I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
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I don't always prepare such rich meals. Sometimes I'll just serve a simple quiche, salad and dessert for dinner. During the week I try to eat lightly.
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I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.
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I don't understand why people don't remember my name.
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I feel now it's useless to keep hoping. The way things are today, we live in a world that needs laughter, and I've decided if I can make people laugh, I'm making a more important contribution.
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I have an ulcer. It has an IQ of 185.
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I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that.
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I laughed all the way through Love Story.
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I may find something that looks interesting and then go on to alter the recipe by adding spices, things of my own. I also look for time-saving recipes, dishes that can be prepared ahead and stored.
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Paul Lynde Roasts Dean Martin



I often go on a liquid fast a couple of days a week. I never take just water. Instead, I'll have maybe six glasses of vegetable and fruit juices a day.
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I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
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I think basically an actor is a salesman.
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I was obsessed with being rich and famous.
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I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
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I'm Liberace without a piano.
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I`m used to living alone, and I like it that way. You become so selfish living alone...I`d make a terrible husband anyway.
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If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death.
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If I hadn't become a celebrity, I'd probably be an alcoholic.
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If I'm not working, I don't know what to do.
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It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage.
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Learning lines is on my mind until I do know them. I'll read the paper or paint the house to keep from starting to memorize. I've never found an easy way.
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Mothers don't want to pinch me or put me in their purse.
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My dad was a ham, too. He could sell those women anything. Of all his sons, I was the only one he could trust to sell as well as he could. I was proud of that.
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My father was adamant in his disapproval of my interest in show business.
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My following is straight. I'm so glad.
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My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it's not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or the tables, for that matter.
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My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly.
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My table seats eight, so that's my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn't get wrecked that way.
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Politicians... talk in generalities and lies, and I think they've caused all our grief. They're so awful, they're really funny. I hate thinking this because my dad loved politics.
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Sandwiches are wonderful. You don't need a spoon or a plate!
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Someday I'm going to go onstage in a dress if I want to.
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The dining room in my old house was truly magnificent, but by far the worst room for conversation. I'd get up from the table, a very long table, and somebody would always say, Paul, I never got to talk to you.
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The doctor's name was Sylvia. I told her she'd have a problem with me because Sylvia was my mother's name.
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The whole romantic part of my life was a wipeout. I didn't even own a belt.
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When I said I didn't have a cent, I didn't. I used to get annoyed with people who said they were broke when they had five dollars.
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Paul Lynde…”The Center Square”



The world learned to appreciate Paul Lynde as he sat in the Center Square on Hollywood Squares. Here are some of his most memorable quotes as he ruled the Center Square.

Peter Marshall: A current movie is being described as "the story of a love that changed the world forever." What movie is it?

Paul Lynde: Oh, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
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Peter Marshall: A photograph of Queen Elizabeth had her stepping onto the shores of Bangkok, onto a carpet made of what?

Paul Lynde: 40% dacron.
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Peter Marshall: A soap opera in Australia called “Number 96” offers audiences something that no American soap opera has. What?

Paul Lynde: An unfaithful kangaroo.
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“Peter Marshall: A western saddle has a curved horn on the front to hold something for the cowboy. What is it?

Paul Lynde: A passenger.”
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Peter Marshall: A woman named Jane Grey has a place of history because of something she did for 10 consecutive days that few women have ever done. What did she do? Jane Grey?

Paul Lynde: Wasn't she married to Eddie Fisher?
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Peter Marshall: A woman who is divorced, has a college education, and is nineteen-years-old is more like to have a certain ailment than anybody else. What ailment?

Paul Lynde: The heartbreak of psorriasis.
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Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
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Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts, when putting on your makeup, if you use a dark foundation directly below your jawbone, and blend it from ear to ear, it will help hide something. What?

Paul Lynde: Well, can you tell I'm wearing pearls?
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Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?

Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.
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Peter Marshall: According to Compton's Encyclopedia, when Columbus returned from his famous trip, he brought Queen Isabella six naked savages, some animals, some plants, and something valuable. What was it?

Paul Lynde: I'll say the six naked savages.
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Peter Marshall: According to Coronet, do most men feel uneasy around women with really large breasts?

Paul Lynde: Yes, they run for cover.
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Peter Marshall: According to Good Housekeeping Magazine, Lucille Ball was 40 years old before she had her first what?

Paul Lynde: Red hair.
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Peter Marshall: According to Johnny Carson's ex-wife Joanne, after the divorce, he sent her a copy of a best-selling book. Which one?

Paul Lynde: Shaft!
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Peter Marshall: According to legend, who looks better, a pixie or a fairy?

Paul Lynde (in deeper voice): Well, looks aren't everything! (laughter and applause) Well, I guess I would say...I would have to go with the fairy.
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Peter Marshall: According to Motion Picture Magazine, who is Richard Nixon's favorite actor?

Paul Lynde: Got to be Ronald Reagan.
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Peter Marshall: According to Mythology, if a Sphinx asked a man a question, and the man answered it incorrectly, what would happen?

Paul Lynde: Circle gets the square.
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Peter Marshall: According to Parade Magazine, almost half of the dogs in the United states have a common problem, and it affects a lot of people too. What?

Paul Lynde: Water on the knee.
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Peter Marshall: According to PhotoPlay magazine, in their courting days before Frank Sinatra was successful, Nancy used to send him a glove with something in each finger. What?

Paul Lynde: Soup.
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Peter Marshall: According to research at USC, is it okay for your marriage to fantasize that your wife is Farrah Fawcett Majors?

Paul Lynde: If that doesn't work, try Lee Majors!
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Peter Marshall: According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?

Paul Lynde: 11.
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Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, what did Little Bo Peep's sheep leave behind them?

Paul Lynde: Well, Simple Simon thought they were bread crumbs!
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Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?

Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on..
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Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, "Things aren't always as bad as they seem if you..." do what?

Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.
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Peter Marshall: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I?

Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster!
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Peter Marshall: According to the old song, what's breaking up that old gang of mine?

Paul Lynde: Anita Byant!
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Peter Marshall: According to the Women's International Bowling Congress, are there any women 80 years old who still bowl regularly?

Paul Lynde: Yes, but that's all they do regularly.
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According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?

Paul Lynde: No. You should dress warmly
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Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?

Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.
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Peter Marshall: After Phyllis Diller’s recent facelift, she received thousands of letters, mostly asking three questions: did it hurt? How much did it cost? And one other...what?

Paul Lynde: Do your eyes close when you sit down?
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Peter Marshall: Ann Landers recently wrote a book titled "How To Tell The Difference Between Love And..." what?

Paul Lynde: A kidney infection.
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Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?

Paul Lynde: An engagement ring
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Peter Marshall: Besides a baton , what did Xavier Cugat always have in his hand when he lead his orchestra?

Paul Lynde: Oh, arthritis.
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Paul Lynde on our Government



Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world." What is it?

Paul Lynde: Pampers.
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Peter Marshall: Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire recently announced that after 30 years, they're going to do something together one more time. What?

Paul Lynde: Trade hairpieces.
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Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?

Paul Lynde: A headboard.
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Peter Marshall: Can chewing gum help prevent a child from catching a cold?

Paul Lynde: No, but I know it’ll plug a runny nose.
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Peter Marshall: Can we get heat from stars?

Paul Lynde: You will if I have to share my dressing room again! (wild laughter from audience)

Peter Marshall: Who are you sharing it with now?

Paul Lynde: Big Bird and Oscar.
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Peter Marshall: Can you get 12 pounds of feathers out of a goose?

Paul Lynde: I got them in there, didn't I?
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(from a 1979 show featuring current-day pop stars...Chaka Khan has discussed the baby she just had)

Peter Marshall: Chaka, don't listen to Paul!

Paul Lynde: I just told her she lost a chunka Chaka!
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Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?

Paul Lynde: They're so cold!
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Peter: Do baby elephants nurse?

Paul: That's why you should never go topless on an African beach.
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Peter: Do female frogs croak?

Paul: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
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Peter Marshall: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?

Paul Lynde: Well, it's easy to steer.
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Peter Marshall: During the 18th century it was common for a bride to sell something at her wedding reception to help pay for the cost of the wedding. What did she sell?

Paul Lynde: Her first born.
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Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?

Paul Lynde: They are cute.
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Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher says that he hasn't had one in eight years, but he's looking. For what?

Paul Lynde: Oh, an accompanist who takes Mastercharge.
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Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?

Paul Lynde: His fans.
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Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor calls it 'the Big One' , What is it?

Paul Lynde: They both look the same to me!
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Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor recently stated, “It wasn’t easy.” And hubby Richard Burton added, “But we both sleep much better.” They were both talking about the same thing. What?

Paul Lynde: Separate bedrooms.
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Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word?

Paul Lynde: Pregnant.
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Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after...what?

Paul Lynde: Surgery.
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Peter Marshall: Fidel Castro recently gave Yugoslavia’s Marshall Tito a gift. What was it?

Paul Lynde: A cheap, hand–painted tie.
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Peter Marshall: Fred Astaire says, his mother has been trying to get him to do this since he was 35. But he hasn't done it and says he won't do it until he's ready. Do what?

Paul Lynde: Move out of the house!
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Peter Marshall: From what animal do you get silk blouses?

Paul Lynde: An animal to you, Peter, but kind and generous to me.
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Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you ..." Something you what?

Paul Lynde: Purchase.
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Peter Marshall: Has a court ever awarded a woman half a million dollars because her husband was no longer able to leave her romantically satisfied?

Paul Lynde: All the jury had to see was Exhibit A.
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Peter Marshall: Henry Kissinger was recently quoted as saying,"They aren't even sexy!" Who was he referring to?

Paul Lynde: The Joint Chiefs of Staff.
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(in a show in which Vincent Price was also a Square)

Peter Marshall: How many movies has Vincent Price been in?

Paul Lynde: You mean, how many good movies?

(correct answer: Price had just completed his 100th film)
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Peter Marshall: Howard Cosell's wife recently said in an interview that her husband tells her this at least five times a day. What does he say to her?

Paul Lynde: Is my toupee back from the cleaners?
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Peter Marshall: If a women becomes pregnant while employed, is she now entitled to six weeks maternity leave?

Paul Lynde: Only if the baby resembles the boss.
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Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?

Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?
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Peter Marshall:If you want to know if a plastic surgeon is really qualified, who should you check with?

Paul Lynde: Tony Randall.
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Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
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Peter Marshall: In a famous fairy tale, a queen is bathing when a frog jumps out of the water and says, “Thy wish shall be fulfilled.” What was the queen’s wish?

Paul Lynde: She wanted the frog to talk dirty.
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Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"

Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.
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Peter Marshall: In baseball, there's a special name for the area between a player's knees and his armpits.

Paul Lynde: Aren't you glad? Aren't you glad?! AREN'T YOU GLAD...he used Dial?
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Peter Marshall: In Greek mythology, what would the god Morpheus do to you while you were asleep?

Paul Lynde: I don’t know, but I got an enchanted hickie.
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Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer...what?

Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.
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Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King David asked beautiful and wise Abigail to do something after her first husband died. What?

Paul Lynde: Get him out of the room.
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Peter Marshall: In the Bible, who was found in a basket among the bulrushes?

Paul Lynde: Colonel Sanders.
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Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?

Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...
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Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, “whistle while you work”?

Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell…or Linda Lovelace.
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Peter Marshall: In the Shakespearean play "King Lear," King Lear had three of them, Gonoreil, Cordelia and Regen. Who were they?

Paul Lynde (disgustedly): King Lear had Gonoreil!
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Peter Marshall: In the United States, what do we call the number one followed by 12 zeros?

Paul Lynde: Dean Martin And The Golddiggers.
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Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?

Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
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Peter Marshall: In television, who lived in Doodyville?

Paul Lynde: Oh, the Ty-De-Bowl Man.
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Peter Marshall: In what Dickens classic, Paul, will you find the phrase "You may find us rough, sir, but you'll find us ready"?

Paul Lynde: Oh, "Little Women."
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Peter Marshall: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?

Paul Lynde: In what state? Well, like all of us naked and screaming!
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Peter Marshall: Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?

Paul Lynde: No, but he's a terrific end table.
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Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?

Paul Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.
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Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water?

Paul Lynde: Yes, it's called drowning!
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Peter Marshall: Is there anything an elephant loves more than a big bag of peanuts?

Paul Lynde: The love scenes in Dumbo.
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Peter Marshall: Is using an electric vibrating machine a good way to lose weight?

Paul Lynde: That's what I told the saleslady, but she just winked.
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Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?

Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
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Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-- what is it?

Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
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Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body?

Paul Lynde: Occasionally.
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Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today?

Paul Lynde: Foreplay!
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Peter Marshall: Julie Nixon Eisenhower recently told reporters "You don't know what a relief it is not to worry about having them around all the time!". What are "they?"

Paul Lynde: Oh, Mom and Dad.
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Peter Marshall: Karen Valentine made her film debut in a film called “Gidget...” Gidget what?

Paul Lynde: Gidget Gets Morning Sickness.
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Peter Marshall: Lana Turner recently said, "I won't do it because I haven't stopped living my life by a long shot." What won't she do?

Paul Lynde: Oh, the Merv Griffin show.
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Peter Marshall: Lawrence Welk says that as a teenager, he promised his father he would work hard on their farm for four years, his Daddy would loan him the money to buy something few boys ever get. What?

Paul Lynde: Oh, a champagne lady.
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Peter Marshall: Liberace has a new book out called "The Things I..."?

Paul Lynde: Put in my hair.
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Peter Marshall: Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to her grandma's house. On her way there, she stopped to get something for her grandma. To get what?

Paul Lynde: Feen-a-mints.
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Peter Marshall: Mama Cass Elliott has an official royal title. What is it?

Paul Lynde: Tubby!
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Peter Marshall: Modern science can't really explain why, but if you go outside at night, stand on your head, and stare at the full moon, you will notice something unusual. What?

Paul Lynde: Yes, in 8 seconds, rain will fill up your nose.
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Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?

Paul Lynde: Heredity!
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Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?

Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo!
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Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul. If you have one it's a moose. If you have two, it's a....?

Paul Lynde: It's a mess!
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Peter Marshall: Oh, Paul, what would we ever do without you?

Paul Lynde: Replace me with Charles Nelson Reilly!
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Peter Marshall: Olivia De Havilland once sat on something in a movie that Roy Rogers says he grew to love. What is it?

Paul Lynde: A box of Milk Duds.
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Peter Marshall: On a recent visit to France, Britain's Queen Elizabeth was given the opportunity of sleeping in a very famous person's bed. Whose?

Paul Lynde: Jean Paul Belmondo's.
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Peter Marshall: On radio, Margo Lane knew something about young, handsome, wealthy Lamont Cranston. In fact, she knew about Lamont Cranston, things that no one else knew. What was it?

Paul Lynde: Lamont Cranston? That his bellybutton was an outsie.

(laughter, then Peter re-reads the question)

Paul: Uh, as I remember he was afraid of heights. (more laughter) Okay, I'll go for another one, let's see...Lamont Cranston was afraid of something?

Peter (laughing): No, I didn't say that! I said Margo Lane knew something about young, handsome Lamont Cranston on radio that no one else knew. What was it?

Paul: That he was already married! (more laughter)

Peter: Rosalyn, I'll offer you the question, obviously Paul does not have a very good bluff.

(Correct answer: Lamont Cranston was "The Shadow")
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Peter Marshall: Paul. a recent navy picture had Admiral Zumwalt kissing Admiral Duirk. Why?

Paul Lynde: Too long at sea!
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Peter Marshall:Paul, according to the classic movie Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein was supposed to do something important the day the monster killed him. What?

Paul Lynde: I think a tonsillectomy.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?

Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell 'Man overboard!'
What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?

Paul Lynde: Full speed ahead!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, Broderick Crawford says that he is often mistaken for....

Paul Lynde: A dump truck.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes?

Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?

Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.
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Paul Lynde on Teeth



Peter Marshall: Paul, during a visit to the Moscow State Circus, Pat Nixon shook hands with something unusual. What?

Paul Lynde: The bearded lady, Mrs. Kosygin.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?

Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.
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Peter Marshall; Paul, how do we know the first Union flag was sewn by Betsy Ross?

Paul Lynde (In a deep overly serious voice, singing popular TV jingle of the time): You look for, the Union Label, when you buy...
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Peter Marshall : Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?

Paul Lynde: Gee, I don't remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?

Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What?

Paul Lynde: A Christian.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?

Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?

Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex."
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Peter Marshall: Paul, is it true that lightning once fused a man’s zipper shut?

Paul Lynde: Yes, it was God’s way telling him to slow down.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?

Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo!"
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Peter Marshall: Paul, Pat Nixon says it's difficult to sleep with President Nixon because of something he does in the middle of the night. What is it?

Paul Lynde: He's digging a tunnel.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe's The Raven said, "Nevermore." What did Gilbert and Sullivan's Dickie Bird say?

Paul Lynde: Let's not wallow in Watergate.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?

Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...
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Peter Marshall: Paul, the Rio Grande River separates Texas and Mexico. What does "Rio Grande" mean in Spanish?

Paul Lynde: El Washing Machine.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?

Paul Lynde: Eye holes!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, this is for 12 hundred dollars and the championship. Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully..."We work together, we pray together and we're darn good..." What?

Paul Lynde: In the saddle.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Nylon is stronger than steel?

Paul Lynde: But steel panties don’t turn me on!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?

Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, studies show that women in their sixties have a more intense craving for physical romance than when they were in their forties...

Paul Lynde: Well, that's tough!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, the University of Nebraska was recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.

Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, what do you call a group of germs?

Paul Lynde: A panzer division.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the Mister Yuk sticker meant to be put on?

Paul Lynde: Oh, motel bedspreads
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Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the primary problem that develops with men's zippers?

Paul Lynde: Rust.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, what landed "I know not where?"

Paul Lynde: Amelia Earhart.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?

Paul Lynde: Smuggling!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, who was famous for saying, "On King, on huskies"?

Paul Lynde: Queen Mary.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?

Paul Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up?
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Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
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Peter Marshall: Paul,Zsa Zsa Gabor says she never ever swims with her face in the water. Why?

Paul Lynde: It clogs the drain.
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Peter Marshall: Playboy Magazine recently published a book by billionaire J. Paul Getty called, “How To ...” How to what?

Paul Lynde: How To Treat Oily Skin.
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Peter Marshall: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?

Paul Lynde: Conversation.
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Peter Marshall: President Johnson had a personal butler in the White House; so did presidents Kennedy and Nixon. Does President Ford also have a butler?

Paul Lynde: Yes, he doubles as the Secretary Of Agriculture.
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Peter Marshall: President Washington once said quote "I would rather be in my grave than in..." what?

Paul Lynde: Grant's tomb.
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Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness--I can never say that--lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?

Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.
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Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?

Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
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Peter Marshall: Queen Elizabeth generally swings her umbrella behind her back, and immediately, something happens. What?

Paul Lynde: Lord Snowden doubles up in pain.
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Peter Marshall: Richard Burton wants one very much, but Liz is reported to be afraid to give him one. One what?

Paul Lynde: The Certs breath test.
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Peter Marshall: "Right after Trigger died, what did Roy Rogers announce he would do?"

Paul Lynde: "Dismount."
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Peter Marshall: Say Paul, what is the official currency of Puerto Rico?

Paul Lynde: Food Stamps.
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Peter Marshall: Something happened to Marlon Brando in 1955, and afterward he told friends he thought it would happen to Bing Crosby instead. What happened?

Paul Lynde: Oh, one of Bing's sons asked him for money.
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Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be published this spring entitled, “Cooking With ...” Cooking with what?

Paul Lynde: Cooking with a three-foot-long spoon.
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Peter Marshall:Sophia Loren recently revealed that when she was a child she never played with something. What?

Paul Lynde: Oh, the L.A.Rams.
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Peter Marshall: Teddy Roosevelt maintained that he had something removed from two United States coins purely for the sake of art. What?

Paul Lynde: Oh! The bottom half of the buffalo.
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Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on Africa’s west coast. What major body lies off Africa’s east coast?

Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu.
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Peter Marshall: The book of Proverbs in the Bible tells us that there is one thing that remains firm forever. What is it?

Paul Lynde: A topless Eskimo.
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Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?

Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.
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Peter Marshall: The newest best selling album by this top star is entitled "To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With". Who's the recording star?

Paul Lynde: Little Baby Rose Marie.

Rose Marie: Oh, shut up!
____________________

Peter Marshall: The state of New York is repainting something that will be 90 next may. What are they repainting?

Paul Lynde: It's either Arlene Francis...no...I wish I looked like she did at 90.
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Peter Marshall: The U.S. will soon reportedly share a secret with Japan. What is it?

Paul Lynde: The location of the Pacific Fleet.
____________________

Peter Marshall: There's tennis elbow, there's jogger's knee, and there's swimmer's...swimmer's what?

Paul Lynde: All I can think of is trunks!
____________________

Peter Marshall: To Roy Rogers, what is Cowboy Heaven?

Paul Lynde: Seven minutes with Tammy Wynette!
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false...a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills...

Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples?
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, according to the Bible, you are a sinner?

Paul Lynde: As long as they spelled my name right.
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false: according to the White House chefs, if the President had his way, daily lunch would consist of nothing more than a sandwich and a beer.

Paul Lynde: Even in public school?
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or False -- are you all right Paul?

Paul Lynde: Just spit it out. (audience laughing)

Peter Marshall: A recent hearing in New Jersey, opponents of fluorinated water argue that too much fluorine in a persons system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex?

Paul Lynde (shouting): HEY CULLIGAN MAN!
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Paul Lynde American Hero



Peter Marshall: True or false. Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone?

Paul Lynde: And it didn’t cure her headache.
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.

Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, Dan Rowan hasn't spoken to either his daughter or Peter Lawford since their marriage?

Paul Lynde: I don't think anyone has seen them except for room service.
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation...

Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, every day, about 10 million American women take the pill.

Paul Lynde: And I could name 'em all!
____________________

Peter Marshall:True or false. George jessel has a 9 year old daughter.

Paul Lynde: False. It's his girlfriend
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, Guatemala once declared war on Germany.

Paul Lynde: Yes, and it's a good thing Germany never found out!
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Athens recently they discovered sketches of the great philosopher Socrates, revealing that he bore a striking resemblance to Paul Newman?

Paul Lynde: But he walked like Joanne!
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Sweden, a person can get an instant divorce?

Paul Lynde: Yes, from poisoned meatballs.
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate?

Paul Lynde: But they went on to win in three other categories.
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, many of our highways and railroads were built directly on the trails left by bison?

Paul Lynde: So that's why the roads are so bumpy.
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false...NASA officials report that when Chinese vice-premier Dang visited the astronaut training headquarters recently, the one big question he demanded to know was...where the astronauts go to the bathroom?!

Paul Lynde: The answer was over China!
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul...champagne glasses were designed to resemble Marie Antoinette's bosom?

Paul Lynde: And we have Karen (Valentine) to thank for the shot glass!
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul - Gypsy folklore says that God created man by baking him in an oven.

Paul Lynde: [turns and looks at Leslie Uggams] Looks like you were overcooked.

[Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk. She then she got up, walked over to Paul, smacked him on his shoulder, and walked back to her square laughing along with all the stars and the audience]
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?

Paul Lynde: From ONE midnight ride?!
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.

Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.

Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, there is a company that will rent you a nude bartender for your party?

Paul Lynde: (sings) Set 'em up, Joe...
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false...there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.

Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it!
____________________

Peter Marshall: True or false, Zsa Zsa Gabor is a deputy sheriff in Chicago?

Paul Lynde: It's a pity that she couldn't make it in show business.
____________________

Peter Marshall: Twiggy reportedly added an inch to her bustline while making (the movie) The Boyfriend. What does that make her bust measurement now?

Paul Lynde: One.
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Peter Marshall: Under the right circumstances, could a 100 year old man father a child?

Paul Lynde: With a nurse and maybe a mortician standing by.
____________________

Peter Marshall: Way up in the frozen north, what was Eric The Red's famous discovery?

Paul Lynde: Little Boy Blue.
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Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke?

Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.
____________________

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose"cattle good for that other cattle aren't?

Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!
____________________

Peter Marshall: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife's tea kettle?

Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr.
____________________

Peter Marshall: What did the Lone Ranger always leave behind when he left town?

Paul Lynde: A masked baby.
____________________

Peter Marshall: What do you call a bull that can't have kids?

Paul Lynde: Anthony Quinn.
____________________

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?

Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!
____________________

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?

Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...
____________________

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?

Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.
____________________

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the song that is played when the President of the United States walks into a room?

Paul Lynde: "Send in the Clowns."
____________________

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?

Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.
____________________

Peter Marshall: What's that thing to the east of Sweden?

Paul Lynde: Have you seen Anita Ekberg lately?
____________________

Peter Marshall: When Burt Reynolds saw his pictures in "Cosmopolitan," he said he had something that reminded him of Roy Rogers. What was it?

Paul Lynde: Saddle sores...they both spend so much time in the saddle!
____________________

Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a Geisha House, now how did he spent his time in the Geisha House?

Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for "peace!"
____________________

Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea tp put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes?

Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.
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Peter Marshall:When President Nixon was in Poland recently the Polish people kept shouting, "Stolat! Stolat! Stolat!" What does "Stolat" mean?

Paul Lynde: Welcome, President Johnson
____________________

Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?

Paul Lynde: Pat's room .
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Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
____________________

Peter Marshall: Where does most of the olive oil in the world come from?

Paul Lynde: Caesar Romero’s comb.
____________________

Peter Marshall:Which performing team were the stars of Ed Sullivan's first TV show?

Paul Lynde: Aretha and Benjamin Franklin.
____________________

Peter Marshall: Who are Mark Trail, Steve Roper and Tank McNamara?

Paul Lynde: Oh, you found my address book!
____________________

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?

Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…?
____________________

Peter Marshall: Who never rises for the bride and groom?

Paul Lynde: Ironside.
____________________

Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
____________________

Peter Marshall: Who was known as "Old Blood and Guts"?

Paul Lynde: Barbara Stanwyck.
____________________

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?

Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...
____________________

Peter Marshall: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?

Paul Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue's a weirdo!
____________________

Peter Marshall: Why was Daniel thrown to the den of lions?

Paul Lynde: For jaywalking in Jerusalem.
____________________

Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?

Paul Lynde: There's no better way!
____________________

Peter Marshall: Would you be surprised to find some wood in your hot dog?

Paul Lynde: No, but I'd be surprised to find some meat.
____________________

Peter Marshall: You are leaving Hawaii by boat. Legend says that you'll return if you do something. Do what?

Paul Lynde: I guess have Don Ho's baby.
____________________

Peter Marshall: You became a mother two months ago. And you’ve been feeling a bit depressed lately. According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, is this normal?

Paul Lynde: I hate these stretch marks!
____________________

Peter Marshall: You get a headache right after romance. According to Dr. Thotusen, is there anything wrong with you?

Paul Lynde: No, but I need a softer headboard.
____________________

Peter Marshall: You have a bunch of unwanted hair. According to Dr. Thotusen, what is most often the cause of unwanted hair? A bunch of it?

Paul Lynde: Running over a llama.
____________________

Peter Marshall: Your date has had a great shock, and then fainted. According to experts, you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?

(Paul grins, but doesn't answer right away) Do you understand the question?

Paul Lynde: Yes.

Peter Marshall: Your date's had a great shock, now she's fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?

Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.

Peter Marshall: You don't get along with this young lady obviously.
____________________

Peter Marshall: Your rooster has been fixed so that he no longer has romantic interest in hens. What is the proper word for him now?

Paul Lynde: Suicidal.
____________________

Peter Marshall: You're equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?

Paul Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.
____________________

Peter Marshall: You're marrying a man who's been married before. According to the book "Everyday Ettiquette", is it all right to wear a veil?

Paul Lynde: No, I'm just gonna wear a baseball cap.
____________________

Peter Marshall: You've gone from egg, to larvae, to pupae. What's next?

Paul Lynde: A shave and a shower and off to work!

(laughter, then Lynde grapples with the real answer)

You're a bug! I mean, what's next? You're, you're, what do you call it when you're out of pupae? (more laughter)

You've arrived, you've, you've arrived! I mean, you're it! I don't know what you call it, maybe a cocoon--no, that's like a pupae!

(more laughter)
You're an adult, I mean...you're a big bug!
____________________

Peter Marshall: You've got a secret. Acording to psychologists, if you're average, will you probably tell it to a man or to a woman?

Paul Lynde: If I tell it to a man, he might hit me.
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