Old People Birthday Jokes

Old People Birthday Jokes not only give you something to use and laugh with, but are words of wisdom as well.

This page is a two-edged sword.

Old people lay the foundation for some pretty funny stories and jokes.

Many of the best gag gifts are attributed to getting old.

Why fight it? It's chasing all of us...OLD AGE. There's a reason that "over the hill" came into being. Enjoy it and use it for laughing fodder.

A great joke book that takes it turn at old people jokes can be found here!

You'll get the benefit of using a joke of this type, but you'll reap a bigger reward if you can find and soak up the proverb hidden inside these jokes. It can lessen your stress level and maybe allow you to become an old person yourself.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

Of all my husband's relatives, I like me best.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I used to get lost in the shuffle; now I just shuffle along with the lost.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

You’re so old you confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

You’re getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.

What is the left side of a birthday cake?
The side that's not eaten.

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."

The older I get, the better I was.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

I'm on a 30-day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Travelling to see historical sites isn't as much fun when many of the sites are younger than you are.

You start video taping daytime game shows.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

In dog years I'm dead.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy -- other times I let her sleep.

I live in my own little world, but it's okay because they know me here.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You start hesitating in deleting those blue pill emails that you get…you know the
ones where you wonder whether everyone gets them or whether you are being singled out.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

When I feel athletic, I go to a sports bar.

Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Q: When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A: When it's been sliced.

Q. What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A. Angel food cake!

Q. Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
A. No, they both burn shorter!

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!

Q. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling crumby!

Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!

Of all my husband's relatives, I like me best.

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Age is like underwear, it creeps up on you!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

My karma ran over your dogma

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

My mind is made up, don't confuse me with the facts!

An endurance test for some people is the pursuit of happiness.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.

A bore is a person who brightens a room simply by leaving it.

Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice.

A conference is a way of postponing a decision.

I would enjoy walking if it weren't for those long walks back.

A wish is a desire without an attempt.

A mind is like a parachute: it only functions when it is open.

When you get old, your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

Better to be an old fart than a young shithead.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

All I have to do is win the lottery!

If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

If a woman's place is in the home, why am I always in this car?

Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

My wild oats have turned to mush.

I'll be spontaneous when I get around to it.

I used to jog 5 miles a day; then I found a short cut.

A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody.

A person who has a right to boast doesn't have to.

I used to be a man of vision, before the medication cleared it up.

Just when I find the key to success, someone goes and changes all the locks.

Chronologically gifted!

I'm at that awkward age between desirability and complete senility.

I'm not old, I'm youthfully challenged.

Aged like fine wine, complex & fruity.

Enjoy your birthday, you're not extinct yet!

After fifty everything that doesn't hurt doesn't work!

Chaos, panic & disorder.... my work here is done.

We are born naked, wet & hungry, then things get worse.

You're a classic, you only get better with age!

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see, and hits it.

If you see me getting smaller, I'm leaving.

Be kind to your kids; they'll be choosing your nursing home.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I don't have hot flashes, I have power surges.

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

My own mortality will be the death of me yet.

Caution, senior moment in progress!

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
- Lucille Ball

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.”
- Jennifer Yane

“You were born an original. Don't die a copy.”
- John Mason

Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

Why did the older gentleman feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!

Birthdays are good for you.
Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I get everything I set my mind to. Now where'd I set my mind?

Several Advantages of Getting Old
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run anywhere.
People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat supper at 4 PM.
You can live without sex but not your glasses.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to holdyour stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

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