Air Force One
Arriving at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'Why no he answers, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.' Mohammed higher than Jesus!
Man oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with asilver white beard and once again repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and Omega. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'
'Yes! Please, my Lord' as God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out:
'Hey Mohammed-- two coffees!'
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--- Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--- Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--- Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--- David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
--- Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--- Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--- David Letterman
There's nothing wrong with the people who voted for Obama that becoming taxpayers won't cure.
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl somewhat heavy upstairs.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
Chief Justice Roberts: Knock, knock.
Barack Obama: Who's there?
Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya.
Barack Obama: Kenya who?
Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya show me your birth certificate before you're sworn in?
Q. What is the difference between Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter?
A. Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to ruin the economy.
What were Democrats eating the morning after Obama was elected? Barack-fast. What were Republicans eating? Crow.
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven,
God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was
your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held
a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off."
funny Obama motto: "A penny saved is a penny taxed."
As President, Obama intends to run the country's finances just like he ran his household finances. He's got a book of blank checks.
This marks the first time a President has given a press conference to remind us to wash our hands. He actually held a town hall meeting before that. It’s now a toss-up; who’s on TV more – Barack Obama or the Sham Wow Guy?
It was once said that an African-American would become president "when pigs fly." Well, 100 days into the Obama presidency... Swine Flu!
When Obama's face is on a presidential quarter someday, that will be "change we can believe in."
It's an exciting time in Washington, Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. And so far, he’s got his mother-in-law gonna be living with him, and he's talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. So you got your mother-in-law, you got Hillary Clinton — boy, sounds like smooth sailing to me!
Another funny Obama motto: "If at first you don't succeed, change the rules."
Have you heard about the new Obama flavor-changing Kool-Aid? Just add polling data!
General Motors has announced a plan to use its bail out money to acquire China-made vehicles to sell in the United States. They'll be called Obamobiles.
Q. Obama and Biden decided to take an excursion through the Grand Canyon riding a donkey. The donkey became spooked along the path and fell off. Who was saved?
A. Obama and Biden. They both landed on their egos.
President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS.
From "The Late Show with David Letterman," December 8, 2008
When Obama and tax collectors meet, they wink at each other.
Q. Why doesn’t Barack drink Pepsi?
A. He thinks that things go better with coke.
Bill Clinton said, “I didn’t inhale.”
Barack Obama says, “I didn’t inject.”
Richard Nixon said “I am not a crook!”
Barack Obama says “I am not on crack!”
Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here!”
Barack Obama says, “Leave the bucks here!”
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.
Racist Jokes about Obama:
If you have ever chuckled at his middle name, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
If you ever ridiculed the assertion that tire gauges lower gas prices, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
If you ever laughed at the claim that he campaigned in 57 states, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
If you ever suggested that the "Vero Possemus" campaign signs had something to do with possums, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
If you ever downloaded the video of him bowling a 37 in front of reporters, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
If you ever shared the video comparing him to Paris Hilton, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
If you ever cracked wise about his cocaine use, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
If you ever made fun of his big ears, you may be guilty of Obama jokes.
If you ever said that the look on his wife's face could curdle fresh milk, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
If you ever noted that his pastor acted like he was on Def Comedy Jam, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
Q. What's the difference between Obama bin Biden and Osama bin Laden?
A. With Obama bin Biden you get two for the price of one.
Here an interesting fact: If you add John McCain's age and Barack Obama's age together you'll get the number of times Obama usually says "uh" when answering a question.
Q. Why did George Bush declare a state of emergency for Barack Obama's inauguration?
A. Because everyone knows it's a national disaster.
President Obama is being criticized because his inaugural celebrations are projected to cost the taxpayers over $400 million. When asked about it, Obama explained that Ted Kennedy planned to attend and there was going to be an open bar.
Blessed are they who find Obama funny, for they shall never cease to be entertained.
Proof that Barack is the Obamessiah:
Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake.
Obama created new states from out of the void.
Obama turned whine into Kool-Aid® for his followers.
Obama came to us carried upon a donkey.
Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men.
Obama was stoned and yet he has risen.
Obama's flock has millions of sheep.
Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms.
You must have no other candidates before Obama.
Obama will raise voters from the dead. Count on it.
Q. Who should be listed as the most expensive dependent on your tax return?
A. President Obama.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Obama in '08 .' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
Under an Obama presidency the IRS will be more diligent about detecting red flags, like leftover money in your bank account after you pay your taxes.
Based on his performance in office so far, President Obama should do just fine on his future tax returns. After all, he will be able to write off his second term.
"Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'"
Have you ever noticed how Obama thinks nothing is impossible as long as somebody else has to pay for it?
The sad fact is that if John McCain is elected President he might not last another four more years. A sadder fact is that if Barack Obama is elected President then America might not last another four more years.
Q. Obama and Hillary Clinton are trapped in a life raft in the middle of the ocean. Who survives?
A. The one who doesn't fall asleep first.
Even though Obama doesn't have any experience, we'll get plenty.
Q. Why will Obama hold a séance once he's in the White House?
A. So that he can thank everybody who voted for him.
Barack Obama isn't planning on buying TurboTax®. Obama can turbocharge our taxes all by himself.
Q. Why does Barack want higher taxes?
A. Cause he won’t be the one paying them.
Q: Why are there so few real Barack Obama jokes?
A: Most of them are true stories.
It's too bad that we can't buy stock in the federal tax system. With Obama as president that will be only thing sure to go up.
"You know. People really like Barack Obama because he's an inspirational speaker. But he was not the first one -- I was checking my presidential history -- he was not the first candidate to use the phrase 'Yes we can!' Bill Clinton frequently used that on interns."
Obama Is So Pretty:
Obama is so pretty that the new symbol of the Democrat Party will be a unicorn.
Obama is so pretty that Bill Clinton wants to intern for him.
Obama is so pretty that the White House Rose Garden will need to triple in size.
Obama is so pretty that his anti-matter version is James Carville.
Obama is so pretty that his supporters think that he's smart.
Obama is so pretty that he won't ride in Ted Kennedy's car.
Obama is so pretty that he would be a 10 if his Daddy owned a liquor store.
Obama is so pretty that he would even look good in a Hillary pantsuit.
Obama is so pretty that when he goes to Iraq he has to wear a Burka.
Obama is so pretty that he gives John Edwards makeup tips.
Obama is so pretty that his mirror on the wall was struck speechless.
Obama is so pretty that he can wear white after labor day.
Obama's cabinet is shaping up to be a funny sort of life form; lots of legs but no brains.
Q. What's an example of irony?
A. Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to sing "Born in the USA" at Barack Obama's inauguration.
Q. Why is the Secret Service installing lighting rods at the White House?
A. To protect President Obama as he takes his Oath of Office.
President Obama intends to reward ambition. With higher taxes.
Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?
A. It shows that he didn't have a virgin birth.
Q. Why did sharks vote for Barack Obama?
A. Professional courtesy.
Q. Why did Senator Ted Kennedy vote for Barack Obama?
A. Brain tumor.
Q. Why did Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he was running out of George Bush jokes.
Q. Why did David Letterman vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he was running out of Jay Leno's George Bush jokes.
Q. Why won't President Obama have a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner?
A. Vice President Biden will be out of town.
Between now and his inauguration as President on January 20th, Obama intends to clean out his Senate office. That is, if he can remember where it is.
Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?
A. He's deciding which of his names (Barack Barry Hussein Obama Soetoro) to put on it.
A Christian, a Jew and Barack Obama are in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. Barack Obama says, "This joke isn't going to work because there's no Muslim in this boat."
He's come up with a great initiative to create two and a half million jobs for America ... it's a wonderful plan, the catch is we all have to move to China.
Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?
A. Because it would be racist.
William Shatner attended Obama's inaugural ball. After taking a quick look around he got on his communicator and commanded, "Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."
Q. What will the band play at Obama's inauguration?
A. Inhale to the chief.
Q. What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx?
A. Nobody knows.
Q. Why will Obama ride in the back of a Presidential limousine?
A. The Vatican wouldn't sell him a Pope-Mobile.
Q. Why did John McCain cross the road?
A. There was an Old Town Buffet on the other side.
Q, Why did Barack Obama cross the road?
A. To help the other side.
Now that Obama is the President you can still get ahead if you get up early in the morning, work late every day and hit the lottery.
President Obama's tax return should list Bill Ayers and Reverend Wright as dependents.
After Barack Obama claimed to have campaigned in 57 states, John McCain should have sent him the name of a good Alzheimer’s specialist.
Q. What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
A. Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.
President elect Obama has arranged for his first meeting with foreign leaders from other countries to demonstrate his foreign policy expertise. It's scheduled to run for five minutes.
Q. How will President Obama oppose Russia's invasion of Georgia?
A. He'll send troops to Atlanta.
Q. What’s black and blue and dead all over?
A. Anyone who dares to tell a joke about President Obama in public.
Q. What's the difference between Pinocchio and Barack Obama?
A. Obama's nose doesn't grow when he lies.
Q. What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
Q. Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A. It stands between him and the First.
President Obama will make it a lot easier for most people to do their income taxes next year. No jobs, no income.
Despite what some people are claiming, this country is just as free under the Obama presidency as it ever was . . . unless you happen to be a taxpayer.
Today the IRS released new guidelines on how to avoid audits while Obama is the president.
Number one - Don't list excessive deductions.
Number two - File your return on time.
Number three - Register to vote as a Democrat.
Q. Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Jimmy didn't want to be the worst President in history.
Q. Why did Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because she was running out of other crazy things to do.
Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.
It's a funny thing about socialists; give one an inch and the next thing you know he'll be president.
Q. Why will there two presidential limousines for the inauguration?
A. So Hillary won't know which one he's in.
Robin Hood took from the rich and gave to the poor.
Barack Obama takes from the middle class and sticks it to the poor.
Q: What is a lawyer gone bad called?
A: Senator Obama.
Q: What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q. Candidate Obama has been telling us, “Yes We Can.” What will President Obama tell us?
A. “Yes You Will.”
Q. Why did Barack Obama register to run for office as a Democrat?
A. The Communist Party doesn’t have enough voters.
Q. Why did the Secret Service double security on Michelle Obama immediately after the inauguration?
A. If something happened to her, then Barack would be in charge.
Q. Why will Obama quit begging for donations once he's sworn in?
A. Because he'll no longer have to ask.
President Obama plans to ride in the inaugural parade without the traditional limousine. He'll be in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.
Under Obama everyone in America will be working for the government. Democrats will be on the payrolls and Republicans will be on the tax rolls.
President Obama plans to start printing income tax forms on Kleenex, so it will be easier for us to pay through the nose.
Q. Why did Senator Hillary Clinton vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he stole the primary election fair and square.
Q. Did Senator Larry Craig vote for Barack Obama?
A. He'll stalled first.
Q. How did Osama Bin Laden vote for Barack Obama?
A. Absentee ballot.
Judging by his wild spending so far, President Obama has apparently decided that it is easier to trim the taxpayers than to trim federal spending.
If President Obama listed free enterprise on his tax return, it would have to be listed as a liability. That's because he just writes it off.
Q. Why won’t Barack Obama’s presidential jet be flight worthy?
A. It will only have a left wing.
Any candidate that John McCain picks to be his vice president will necessarily be a younger candidate than he is. Any candidate Barack Obama picks to be his vice president will necessarily be better candidate than he is.
It's a hard election for conservatives this year. They'll have to hold their noses tight in order to cast a vote for John McCain. But they'll have to hold on even tighter to their wallets if Obama gets elected.
President Obama has just announced that he has a new plan to simplify the tax code. From now on only the Republicans will have to have to pay any taxes.
Thanks to President Obama we will become a more honest people. Once we're all jobless there won't be any point in lying on our tax returns.
Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetary to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!"
Q. Why did Obama think that he had campaigned in 57 states?
A. His heavy pot use has left him a brownie short of a full pan.
Q. How can you tell when Obama has been smoking dope?
A. He answers the door when the phone rings.
Giving money and power to Barack Obama is like giving liquor and car keys to a teenage boy.
Q. Why will President Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?
A. He doesn't want any bushes at the White House.
Unlike former Presidents, Obama is not a member of the NRA, National Rifle Association. He's joined William Ayers organization instead. The NBA, the National Bombers Association.
Q. What's the difference between Obama giving a speech and a cardboard cutout of Obama giving a speech?
A. The cardboard cutout looks at the camera instead of the teleprompter.
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit Obama's national debt."
In the interest of full disclosure, President Obama's should declare all of the fawning media coverage he's received so far as a gift on his tax return.
The best things in life are free but President Obama's tax advisors are working hard trying to solve that problem.
President Obama is angrily calling for more federal tax increases. He just heard from his advisors that some American taxpayers weren't completely broke yet.
I finally agreed to limit the number of people who could email me. It's a very exclusive list. How exclusive? Everyone look at the person sitting on your left. Now look at the person sitting on your right. None of you have my email address.
Contrary to the rumors that you've heard, I was not born in a manger ... I was actually born on Krypton, and sent here by my father Jor-El to save the planet Earth.
I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for President.
If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness? It's possible that I'm a little too awesome.
John McCain is onto something ... there was a point in my life when I started paling around with a pretty ugly crowd, I've got to be honest. These guys were serious deadbeats, they were lowlifes, they were unrepentant, no-good punks. That's right: I've been a member of the U.S. Senate.
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