Master of Ceremonies Jokes

Master of Ceremonies Jokes is probably different and more difficult than any other genre of joke. Certain rules of etiquette dictate just how far you can go with any joke.

There is a razor-edged line between being funny and insulting or embarrassing someone. Toe the line and you get laughs. Cross the line and you're finished for the event and can now apply for a Door Mat Salesman position. Does anyone hear the word generic calling?

You really have to do your homework and find jokes that will fit the backgrounds or professions of the most prominent in attendance, i.e. the Father of the Bride, the L.L. Coaches real job, the President’s hobbies, etc. Everyone must laugh, but nobody can feel they had their big toe stepped on. A challenge you might say.

You may want to own this collection of jokes if you take on the role of The Master of Ceremonies.Below is a hand-picked collection of jokes that would fit the occasions where a Master of Ceremonies would run the show.

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

You might be a redneck if your family reunion is held at a rest area.

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you're a jinx!

When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Why'd they call it PMS? Because Mad cow disease was already taken!

I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

A man goes into a bar where a cat is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that cat really playing poker?” And the bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not very good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me?
Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!'' Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you not know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 31 years."

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested her husband should try his hand changing diapers.
"I'm busy" he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled.
"Oh, I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the small New England town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and idly chatting about their lives, their families, etc., when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Everyone quickly evacuated the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan approached the man and was told, “Look, Ive been a member of this church for 60 years….but I’ve been on your side the whole time!”

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the one called out loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!

The children of a prominent family chose to give the patriarch a book of their family's history. The biographer they hired was warned of one problem. Uncle Willie, the "Black Sheep," had gone to Sing Sing's Electric chair for murder. The writer carefully handled the situation in the following way: "Uncle Willie occupied a chair of applied electronics at one of our nation's leading institutions. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a true shock. - from Ka Pupa Nihonih (Mayflower Quarterly - Nov 1990)

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady. Always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning to attend a family reunion, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But when she wrote that down she felt that she was being to forward. So she started all over, rewrote the whole entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C.. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she finally wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and he couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could figure out what she meant either. So the campground owner , finally coming to the conclusion that the lady was talking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that the B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt that a great number of people take their lunches and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. I you don't start early you might not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we get older particularly in cold weather, it gets harder to go. If you decide to come down o our campground, perhaps I could go with you for the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks.
"Remember, this is a friendly community!"

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

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