Jokes for Children
Jokes for Children give you something to mix into your program if you have youngsters in the audience.
Just remember, kids have the greatest memories and can quote you word for word.
Kids can use these for school or anytime they need to be funny.
Here's a good source for jokes.
One day, after school was over, a teacher walked up to one of her students. For a school assignment she asked him to find four phrases,write them down then give them back to her the next day.
So, the student reached home and asked his mom if she had a phrase. .
"Shut up!!!", exclaimed the mom. .
Next, the student went to his brother and asked if he had a phrase. .
"Bada bada BATMAN!!!", laughed the brother. .
Next, the student went to the neighborhood janitor and asked if he had a phrase. .
"Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!", complained the janitor. .
Finally for his final phrase the student asked the town baker if he had a phrase. .
"My buns are burning, my buns are burning!", shouted the baker. .
The next day at school the student waltzed up to his teacher's desk.
"Do you have your four phrases", asked the Teacher? .
"Shut up!", shouted the student. .
The teacher felling very hurt asked,"Who do you think you are!?" .
"Bada bada BATMAN", laughed the student. .
"What are you getting out of all this school?", asked the teacher. .
"Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!" .
Then the teacher spanked the student and he went around yelling "MY BUNS ARE BURNING MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? .
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." .
She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. .
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." .
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. .
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." .
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. .
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" .
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
A boy was in trouble so he had too go to bed early. He got in bed and asked his dad for a glass of water, so his dad brought him a glass. .
Five minutes later the boy called down too his dad, ''can I have another glass of water?" .
So, his dad brought him up one. Five minutes later the boy called back down too his dad saying ''can I have another glass of water?" .
His dad said NO, if you ask me one more time I'm going too come up there and spank you. .
Five minutes later the boy called down, ''on your way up too spank me can you bring me a glass of water.
After losing another tooth, young-old Timmy became more curious about the mysterious tooth fairy. .
Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?” .
Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes Timmy, I am.” .
Timmy seemed to take this news quite well. .
But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?
3 sky divers were diving but there parachutes were faulty and they all died. They went to heaven and there before those 3 men stood God.
"Go down the slide and you will receive one wish what you wish for is what you get at the end of the slide, "boomed God's voice.
The first man slid down and said "SPORTS CAR" and sure-enough there was a sports car.
The second man went down and said "MONEY" and he received money.
The third man jumped down the slide and said "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw Mr. Green Pea over the fence.
These three men won a contest. The prize was a wish from the wizard. The three men all wanted toilets.
The first man wanted a wooden toilet. So he got his wish. The second man wanted a metal toilet. So he got his wish. The third man wanted a talking toilet. So he got his wish.
The next day they all wanted to return their toilets. The first one said "My toilet rotted through." So the wizard took his toilet back.
The second one said" My toilet rusted," So the wizard took his toilet back.
The third man said "Every time I try to sit on it to use it it starts to sing "I see your hinny, all white and shiny, if you don't hide it I'm gonna bite it.
There were 2 kids walking home from school.They had found a shortcut the day before, so they took this shortcut.
They found a old cabin.They pressed their ears against the door & they heard"When I get ya I'm gonna eat ya!"
The 2 kids open the door & the voice grew louder! They had noticed that the voice was coming from the closet, so they slowly opened the door & found an old man picking his nose.
The old man says,"Sorry, I don't have enough for all of us!!!!!!!"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
n a kindergarten in California, a teacher asks three children what they do after recess. The teacher asks Sally what she did at recess. Sally said she played in the sandbox. The teacher says "If you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I'll give you a cookie." Sally spells Sand gets her cookie.
The teacher then asks Tim what he did during recess. He said he played in the sandbox with Sally. The teacher says "If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I'll give you a cookie." He spells box and gets his cookie.
The teacher then asks Mohammad what he did at recess. He said he tried to play with Sally and Tim in the sandbox, but they threw stones at him. The teacher says "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me. OK, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" on the blackboard I'll give you a cookie"
A young boy asked his mother where babies come from and she answered "Go ask your father".
He asked his father the same question and he answered "Go ask your mother!"
Later that day at dinner the boy announced "I know that I am not your son because neither one you know where babies come from".
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked..."Then why did you eat him?" .
Q: Which football player wears the biggest helmet?
A: The one with the biggest head.
Seeing her two sons fighting over the last piece of pizza the mother said, "You boys should be acting more like Jesus, if He were here He would give His brother the last piece".
The older brother looked at his younger sibling and said, "Marty, you be Jesus"
A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.
Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money?
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
A woman brought her 4-month-old baby to visit her neighbor. The baby began to fuss soon after they arrived.
Roger, the 5-year-old son of the neighbor she visited said, "Where did you get this little baby from?"
"He was sent from Heaven," the mother replied.
As the infant continued to cry and yell, the little boy said, "I bet I know why he was sent from Heaven. God wanted it quiet up there!"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You''re not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who''s going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're Hushers."
A little boy was in a relative''s wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.
The child bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."
Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," his dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
Mrs. Jones, mother of two, was observing her children playing in the snow. She called the oldest one inside to speak to him. "Bobby, I told you to share your toys with your brother."
"I am sharing, Mom. He plays with the sled going up the hill, and I play with it going down."
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
TEACHER: That's impossible.
CHARLOTTE: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have todaythat we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN: I is..
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
"I'm worried about you always being at the bottom of the class," said the father to his son.
"Don't worry Dad," he replied. "They still very much teach the same thing at both ends."
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!
Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name!
Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!
Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
What's yellow, wiggles and is dangerous?
A maggot with attitude!
Why was the glow worm unhappy?
Because her children weren't that bright!
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant?
Very big worm holes in your garden!
What reads and lives in an apple?
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you!
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag?
They can lighten your load!
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python?
A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death!
Why did the spider buy a car?
So he could take it out for a spin!
What does a spider do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall!
What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses?
If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!
Why are spiders good swimmers?
They have webbed feet!
How do you spot a modern spider?
He doesn't have a web he had a website!
What are spiders webs good for?
What kind of doctors are like spiders?
What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant?
I'm not sure, but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses!
What did the spider say to the fly?
We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing?
What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad?
It became a daddy short legs!
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them?
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What is a mouse's favorite record?
'Please cheese me'!
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?
What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Where would you put an injured insect?
In an antbulance!
What's an insects best chat up line?
Pardon me, but is this stool taken!
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish bin!
What happened to the man who turned into an insect?
He just beetled off!
What is green and brown, has four legs and can kill you if it falls out of a tree and lands on you?
A pool table?
What lives in gum trees?
How do we know that insects are so clever?
Because they always know when your eating outside!
What is the insect's favorite game?
Which fish can perform operations?
Where do little fishes go every morning?
To plaice school!
What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike!
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
He prawned everything!
1st kipper: 'Smoking's bad for you'
2nd kipper: 'It's OK, I've been cured'
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
A hermit crab!
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible!
Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other tide!
Why did the bull rush?
Because it saw the cow slip!
What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
A battery hen!
What do you call an arctic cow?
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper!
Why does a rooster watch TV?
What do you get from a drunk chicken?
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?
A bird that has to wring its own neck!
Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!
Q: What is a polygon?
A: A dead parrot!
Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera?
A: The parrots of Penzance!
Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A: A firequaker!
Q: What is a parrot's favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!
Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!
Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?
A: 'The pheasants are revolting'!
Q: What is the definition of Robin?
A: A bird who steals!
Q: When is the best time to buy budgies?
A: When they're going cheap!
Q: How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?
A: He has cat-arrh!
Q: What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!
Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
A: An animal that puts you out at night!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
A: A stripey jumper!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!
Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!
Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!
Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!
Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: "Because no one else will do it for them!"
Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!
Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!
Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!
Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: "Well, doggone!"
Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!
Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!
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