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Husband Quotes
Husband Quotes are the tip of the iceberg when looking at what men say after being married awhile. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Grafton Street and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: WIFE WANTED. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: YOU CAN HAVE MINE. A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing. Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie. Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Give up all hope of peace so long as your mother-in-law is alive. Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it. ~Lyndon B. Johnson I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do. It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she's a householder. Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk. Mistress: something between a mister and a mattress. Mother-in-law: a woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake. Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night. The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" I don't remember what happened next. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. The reason they're called the opposite sex is because every time you think you have your wife fooled - it's just the opposite! ~Walter Winchell The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." Valentine's Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is. Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. "What's for dinner?" is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." Dad: "That happens in every country, son!"
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