Hilarious Jokes and Quotes
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A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor. She fumbles in a voluminous bag for the correct change.
After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.
Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.
Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.
They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and nothing happens! He just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God, so the man is freed.
Somehow he gets his old job back, and he happily dispenses tickets until he sees a girl stick her wad of gum onto a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.
Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas and, lo and behold, the electricity doesn't harm him. So again, he is set free.
Amazingly, he regains his job! It takes him just one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who is chewing on his bus ticket. He returns to death row.
Again he eats 12 pound of bananas before the execution. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor survives the electrocution with nary a twitch.
At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - what is it with the bananas?
"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a really bad conductor."
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton."
A social worker from Charlotte recently transferred to Boone and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your Father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your Mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a Family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the Outhouse!'
Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because thedog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
We had our ten-year-old daughter late in life, long after our two boys were born.
She is the joy of my husband's life, but he is self-conscious about being an older father.
He likes to jokingly tell people that by the time she graduates from high school, he'll be in a nursing home.
One day she asked, "Mom, you know how Dad always says he'll be in a home when I graduate?"
I nodded, expecting some sad question about mortality.
She continued, "Can I have the car then?"
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
8 years ago, after a weekend trip home to Arkansas, Bill Clinton stepped from the helicopter and onto the White House lawn. He was carrying two Arkansas-bred hawgs, one under each arm.
At the bottom of the steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, saluted sharply and said, 'Fine looking pigs, sir!'
Clinton turned and glared at the boy. 'Son, don't you know I'm from Arkansas? These ain't pigs. They're hawgs.'
The Marine shot back, 'Marine begs the Commander-In-Chief's pardon, sir! Fine looking hawgs, sir!'
Clinton smiled with pride and the young man relaxed.
The President went on, 'Thank you, son. You see this one here?' He lifted up the pig under his right arm. 'I got this one for Chelsea.' Then he nodded to the hawg on his left. 'And this one here, I got for Hillary.'
At that the Marine snapped back to attention and said, 'Outstanding trade, sir!
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.>br> It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men -- he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women -- she loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton...... Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against Mr.Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and moaned, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least..........
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up hershower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in atoweland runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, thenext-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop thattowel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands nakedin front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When shegets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the nextdoor neighbor,' she replies.
'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owesme?'
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcingher gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. Aftercontrolling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slideup her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
Itsaid, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking tolunchwhen they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.
'I want to be in theBahamas,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladasand the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get tothetop of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave himenoughstrength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, aftereating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the topof
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of thetree.
**Moral of the story:**** **Bull s**t might get you to the top, but itwon'tkeep you there.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
T he boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 5 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A young ventriloquist on tour is doing a show in a small town.
Playing straight man to the dummy perched on his knee, he starts a series ofdumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the fourth row stands up and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes!
What makes you think you canstereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have todo with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our fullpotential as human beings.
It's guys like you who continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general."
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and cutting him off, the blond yells,
"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little twerpon your lap!"
Little Italian Boy Goes to Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father, it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father.
I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name soner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capelli?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration.
You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads.
A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and anvil. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem -- how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket. Cary the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an, anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi."Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?",
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect my good naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.)
I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate ink washes off and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
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