Harp Jokes poke fun at the large instrument that is cumbersome and aggravating to move around.
Imagine having to have this thing shadow you every place you step foot for a day.
Sure it would make a good buddy to fly next to you.
Harp players must be divinely called to love this instrument.
The players have their own ridiculous niche.
A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.
A harp is a nude piano. And a piano is a harp in a coffin.
A harp string walks into a bar with a few harp friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve harp strings here."
The harp string walks away a little upset and sits down with itsharp friends. A few minutes later the harp string goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve harp strings here!"
So the harp string goes back to the table. Then the harp string gets an idea! The harp string ties its self in a loop and messes up the top of its hair. Then the harp string walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints, and says, "Hey, aren't you a harp string?"
And the harp string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A harpist and an accordion player are playing a New Years's Eve gig at a local club. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner and the harpist says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"
A young man went out on a date with a young woman trumpet player. When he returned, his roommate asked him, "well, how was your date? Did her embouchure make her a great kisser?" "No," replied the first young man, "her lips were hard and tight, and insensitive." The following weekend he went out with a pretty tuba player. When his roommate inquired, he reported: "Yuck! Her lips were loose and slobbery, just gross!" The next weekend he went out with a beautiful harpist. "I don't think I'll be going out with her again. I guess it's just habit, but every time she puts her arms around me, she starts tickling me!"
Back in 1984, I played harp on a concert tour with Bobby Womack. Bobby's friends in high places often invited the whole band out for a night on the town. In Detroit, a friend of his by the name of Samuel Frank who owned a nightclub invited us all over after a concert. Since we had all our instruments in the tour bus, the crew brought them into the club for an impromptu jam session. Mr. Frank dismissed the DJ for the evening and we played for a club full of dancing fans. Drinks for the band were on the house and a rip-roaring good time was had by all. Exhilarated and a bit tipsy, I got back on the bus assuming the crew would take care of loading up my harp - and I guess the crew assumed I'd taken care of it. No one noticed the oversight till the next night, when it was time to go onstage at the next venue. Glancing out at the stage as the house lights went down, my heart sank as I realized what had happened. Bobby saw my dismayed face and asked, "Stephanie, what's wrong?" "Oh my gosh," I replied, "I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM FRANK'S DISCO!!"
Did you hear about the harpist who was so bad the other harpists noticed?
Harpists' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
How can you tell a harp from a motorcycle?
It is difficult because they both are associated with angels, and they both fit between your legs, but you can tune a Harley.
How can you tell when a harp diva is at your door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
How can you tell when a harpist is playing out of tune?
His/her fingers are moving.
How do you get a harpist off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
How do you get two harpists to play in perfect unison?
Can't, they are never in tune with each other.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a harpist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
How do you know when the stage is level ?
The harpist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth .
How do you make a trombone sound like a harp?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
How do you put a twinkle in a harpist diva's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How does a harp diva change a light bulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
How long does it take to tune a harp?
Nobody knows yet.
How many harp players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him which is the best hand position to use.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune harpist, an out of tune harpist, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune harpist. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
Who's there !
Harp who ?
Harp the Herald Angels Sing !
Once upon a time, there was a rather famous flute & harp duo named Cisco & Pancho. They had gotten together when they were grad students at Juiliard, and had made quite a name for themselves on the American concert circuit. Soon, they had opportunities to travel abroad. They performed throughout Europe, and were a great success there. They followed this with a tour of the Far East. While they were in Hong Kong, they stayed in a luxurious hotel across the bay from the hall where they were playing. Being rather weary from all their traveling, they decided to take a short nap at the hotel before their performance. They unfortunately had forgotten to set their alarm clock, and when they woke up, they discovered that they only had an hour to get cleaned up, dressed, and over to the concert hall. They scrambled to get ready, got their stuff together, and went down to the hotel lobby to try to get a cab. But traffic at that time of day was very bad, and besides, none of the hotel's limos were available at the time. The desk clerk suggested that they could get to the hall by sampan, since they were located on the bay. So Cisco & Pancho grabbed their music and their instruments, and booked a ride with a local sampan owner. When they got to the other side, they rushed out of the boat and into the hall. Cisco got his flute out and began to warm up. But Pancho realized that his instrument was missing, and began to get very worried. When his partner asked him what was wrong, Pancho replied: "I left my harp in sampan, Cisco."
Once upon a time, there was Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam. They were the best of friends. One day, they were both killed. Larry the Lobster went to Heaven and Sam the Clam went to Hell. Larry the Lobster missed Sam the Clam so much, he asked God if he could go to Hell to visit Sam. God agreed, but he told Larry not to forget his harp.
Larry the Lobster agreed and down to Hell he went. When he found Sam the Clam, he had his own Disco in hell. Larry the Lobster had such a great time with Sam the Clam, that he lost all track of time. Larry heard the voice of God saying "Larry you must come back to Heaven."
Larry ran as fast as he could back to Heaven. When God saw Larry, he said, "Where is your Harp?"
Larry replied, "I left my Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."
She was late for the concert because she had to change her G string (and we didn't even know she was wearing a G string under that long black dress!).
"Welcome to heaven; here's your harp and tuning key.
Welcome to hell; here's your harp."
What do Harleys and harps have in common?
After tuning, they are out of tune again by the time they are used.
What is the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings on a double strung.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A harpist with a tuner.
What's the difference between a Celtic Harp and a Concert Grand Pedal Harp?
A Pedal Harp burns longer.
What's the difference between a harp and a tuna fish?
You can't tune a harp but you can always tuna fish .
What's the difference between a harp diva and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with the terrorist.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a harp?
You can tune a lawn mower.
What's the difference between an out-of-tune harp and a trampoline?
You should take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
What's the difference between an out-of-tune harp and an onion?
Someone might cry when you cut up the onion.
What's the range of a Welsh Triple harp?
About ten yards, if you kick hard enough.
Why are a harpist's fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same chord progression twice.
Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the out of tune harpist.
You know you are too old to gig when:
•You refuse to tune your harp to match that of the orchestra you are playing with.
•Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns if you are a man and Queen Victoria if you are a woman.
•Your fans have left by 8:30 pm.
•All you want from groupies is a foot-massage and someone to help carry your harp to your van.
•Your aftershow party is at McDonald's and you are fine with that!
•You love taking the elevator not only because it transports your harp but you are able to hum along with most of the elevator tunes since they are on your gig-list.
•Instead of adding a second person to make your solo-harp ensemble into a duo you decide to hire that second person as your roadie.
•You've lost directions for the gig and can't remember what your fee was.
•You need your glasses to see where to put your tuning key.
•You no longer do cartwheels or back flips when out doing your solo-act.
•You are thrilled to have any major holiday OFF (Christmas, New Years, etc)
•You have to stop playing because your bottle of pain killers fell off your music stand, one is about to wear off, and how can you keep going?
•Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
•You find your drink tokens from last month's pub gig still in your harp music bag with your extra harp strings.
•You no longer use a tip jar.
•You refuse to play without earplugs if in a symphony.
•You check the TV schedule before booking a gig or not.
•Your gig stool for your harp has wheels on it which lock (no carrying it anymore)
•You need a big nap the afternoon before the night time gig.
•After the third set of celtic tunes with the band you ask to leave early.
•During the breaks you go to your van to have a nap and watch your fav DVD on a portable DVD player.
•You have to have a music stand with a light and make that a 100 W bulb!
I've never seen anyone play the harp like this man.
He is one of a kind with great style and humility.
Get him to a keyboard and ask him to play some ragtime piano if you have the opportunity.
Who would have guessed?
Greg honored our music department by stopping by while on tour and giving a full concert.
He joined us for our banquet and held our little girl who was only 5 months old.
He wanted to practice holding a baby since he would have a newborn when he arrived home.
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