Guitar players top off the tank when it comes to being my friends.
Acoustic or electric, they all know how to make my day.
They, like drummers and trumpet players, have their own personality traits.
These guitar jokes paint a picture of the whole world of guitar players and how they are natured.
Enjoy these, and use them when needed to justify, clarify or personify one of your guitar friends.
Funny Blues Guitarist
A bluegrass guitarist wants to improve his playing and decides to go to the academy of music and become a serious musician. But first he has to pass a little test in musical theory. The teacher asks him,
"What is the subdominant of "C"?" The bluegrass-guitarist doesn't come up with an answer, so the teacher says,
"Could it be, you don't know what a subdominant is?"
"Of course I know that!", he says,
"So what's the problem?"
"I always thought, that "C" IS the subdominant!"
A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. 'Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?' asks the guy.
The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK'.
He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says 'well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with 'things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says 'look I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?'
The young man says 'well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. she's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. this place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.
A fingerstyle guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.
"This is Chet Atkins room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Chet Atkins!" "And this is Merle Travis' room here and Marcel Dadi's is over there..." and the Fingerstyle Guitarist is totally in awe.
Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Hedges here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he needed to... spend time in Pergatory. But he'll be along soon enough."
The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He's woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing - a Harp Guitar - and it sounds just like Michael. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room was now playing... it can't be .... a fingerstyle version of “Pinball Wizard”. The fingerstyle guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Michael Hedges. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Hedges is in the next room.
Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Michael Hedges"
A fingerstyle guitarist (FG) is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie.
"Thank you Oh Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years" the genie exclaims, profusely grateful to the FG. "And because of your kindness" the genie continues, "I will grant you 3 wishes". "But I must caution you" alerts the genie.
"And what's that?" asks the FG.
"Well, you can wish for anything you desire, but whatever you ask for, every electric guitarist (EG) in the world will receive double" explains the genie.
"Not a problem" says the FG.
"Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master"
"$10 million in small bills" says the FG unhesitatingly.
"Good choice, Master" and poof!! right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every EG in the world now has $20 million in their account.
"And your next wish, Master?"
"A brand new Taylor PS12C Presentation Series Guitar and presto! right there on the beach is the most beautifully inlaid and superb sounding acoustic guitar he'd ever seen. And of course every EG now has 2 of these guitar's in their living rooms; knowing of course that they aren't going to know what to do with one, much less two.
"You've made excellent choices thus far, Master; what is your final wish?" The FG thinks for a minute, rubs his chin a moment, squints at the bright sky and says,
"You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
A fingerstyle guitarist wins £15 million on the National Lottery.
When a reporter asked "What are you going to do now?"
He replied "I'll carry on gigging 'til the money runs out."
A Guitarist and a Bassist are arguing backstage and the Drummer walks up to them and asks why they are fighting to which the Bassist replies, "Well the Guitarist detuned one of my Bass guitar's strings and he won't tell me which one."
A guitarist dies and is quite pleased to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.
"This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!"
"And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon.
Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..."
The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room.
Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen".
A guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says 'great gig man, you're one hot picker'.
The player looks at the barman and says 'thanks' and the barman says 'what for' and the player says 'for sayin' nice things about my work'. the barman says ' I didn't say nothing'.
The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says 'yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there'. The guitar player turns around and says 'thanks' but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says 'are you ok?' cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says 'yeah, I think so'.
Then, as he empties his glass another voice says 'hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you' and the bloke says 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?'
The barman runs down and says 'what's your problem dude?' to which the guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?'
'What voices? What are they saying?' when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says 'oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!'
A guitarist named Alex Opornockity played a whole concert with a flat 'B' string. It seems Opornockity only tunes once.
A guy walks into a fingerstyle guitar convention, picks up a guitar and begins to play. He plays so beautifully that before he has finished the song, he has attracted a crowd of fingerstlye guitarist onlookers.
"What is that strange tuning?!" he is asked.
"EADGBE" he replies.
A man walks up to a classical guitar recitalist who is sitting down reading music. Can you read this for me he said. Of course said the recitalist. And there goes the guitarist playing a nice Tarrega study. Then the man gives him a contemporary piece. He plays that as well. Then another piece was handed to him. He begins to play then complains of stomach pains. He later realized he had gave him a sheet of fingerstyle guitar music.
A one time musician reaches adulthood...it does happen...gives up the rock and roll life style and marries. He gets the mortgage and the kid. The child reaches his teenage years and hearing of Dad's youthful adventures decides that he too would like to become a musician.
Dad says, "Okay, but you must do this properly and take lessons on the instrument. What do you want to play?"
Junior replies, "I want to be a bass player."
"Fine," says the proud Dad and he goes out and buys a Junior a bass and amp and arranges for the lessons. Junior returns from his first lesson and Dad asks how it went. "Great!" says the lad,"I learned all the notes on the E string." "Terrific!", Dad replies.
The next week Junior returns from the 2nd lesson. Dad asks again how it went. "Cool", says Junior, "I learned all the notes on the A string." "Good progress," smile Dad.
The next week Dad comes home to find Junior sitting with his Nintendo. "Hey, I thought you had a bass lesson today. " Junior looks up and says, "Yeah, but I blew it off, I've got a gig."
A sunburst Stratocaster walks into a bar, orders a beer and takes a stool next to a hot-looking Les Paul Goldtop, who's sipping an umbrella drink. The Strat leers at the Les Paul for several minutes and then says, "Hey, that's some set of humbuckers you got on you, darlin'."
"What kind of cheap pickup line is that?" the Goldtop says indignantly.
A visiting music lover wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," Says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," He replies, "But I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," Says the owner.
"No," says the music lover, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Electric Guitar Player."
A young, single woman is feeling very ill and has an extensive series of tests done by her doctor. After weeks of tests and more tests, the doctor calls her in. He tells her, I have to be frank with you the test results are not good. You have an incurable disease, and it is terminal. I would think you have no more than six months to live.
Devastated, she sobbingly asks the doctor, is there anything I can do?The doctor says, well, if I were you I would run out and marry a Fingerstyle Guitarist ASAP.
She asks, How will that help my illness?
The doctor says, "Oh it won't help your illness;but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"
An electric guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct time changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the electric guitar player to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations. After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?" The electric guitar player says, "Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to drums..."
How can you tell if a guitar player has been to your house?
He's still there.
How do you get 2 electric guitar players to play in perfect unison ?
Shoot one of them.
How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down his amp?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.
How do you know when the stage is level?
The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar?
How do you make a guitar players car more aerodynamic?
Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.
How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in his ear.
How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?
Put some sheet music in front of him.
How do you make an electric guitar sound like an acoustic guitar?
Sit in back and don't play.
How do you make him stop playing?
Put notes on it!
How do you tell if an electric guitar is out of tune?
If the strings are vibrating.
How does a guitar player change a light bulb?
He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it.
How does a guitar player show up for practice?
Drunk and late......... as usual.
How does a Lead Guitarist change a lightbulb?
He holds it and the world revolves around him.
How Long Does It Take To Tune A 12 String?
How many bluegrass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They won't touch anything electric.
How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.
How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to tell you how much better they would have done it.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
Evidently all of them.
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
If you drop an Electric Guitar Player and a watermelon off a tall building, which would hit the ground first?
If you took all the Electric Guitar Players in the world and laid them end-to-end, it would be a heck of a good idea.
If you were lost in the forest, who would you trust for directions?
1. Santa Claus,
2. An in-tune Heavy Metal player,
3. An out-of-tune Heavy Metal Player.
3. Choice 1 and 2 indicate that you're hallucinating.
In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ?
Five..one to actually do it ... and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
It’s the hour before Pentecostal church, and the pastor comes up to the guitar player and says “I’m glad to see you include Biblical precepts in your guitar playing.” The guitarist asks, “Do you mean ‘make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye peoples?’” “No”, says the pastor. “‘Don’t let the left hand know what the right hand is doing.’”
Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed the one he knew.
What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Pick on someone your own size!
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
What do vacuum cleaners and electric guitars have in common?
When you plug them in, they suck.
What do you call a building full of guitar players?
What do you call a "Clean Shot"?
When you can throw an electric guitar into the toilet without hitting the seat.
What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
What do you call an "in-tune electric guitar"?
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
What do you say to a jazz guitarist at work?
Big Mac and large fries please!
What do you tell a guitarist that is freaking out?
What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
Would you like fries with that?
What does a guitar player ask when showing up for a gig?
1. What do I plug in?
2. What do I play?
3. Can I run a tab?
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
What is a "nerd" ?
Someone who owns an Classical Guitar.
What is the definition of a minor second?
Two lead guitarists playing in unision.
What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
What is the first sign you're Halluncinating?
Two electric guitar players are playing in tune.
What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.
Whats one way to paralyze a guitarist?
Tell him the red light is on.
What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Whats the best way to chase off a guitarist?
Confront him with shampoo.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
What's the difference between a banjo & a ukulele?
It only takes you half as long to burn a ukulele.
What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
What's the difference between a guitar player and a certificate of deposit?
The CD will eventually mature and make money.
What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
What's the difference between a lawnmower and an Electric Guitar?
You can tune a lawnmower.
What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
What's the difference between an Electric Guitar player and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop Howling.
What's the difference between an Electric Guitar and an Acoustic Guitar?
The Electric Guitar burns longer.
What's the difference between an Electric Guitar and a trampoline ?
You remove your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.
Funny Funk Guitarist
What's the difference between an Electric Guitar and an onion ?
No one cries when you cut up an Electric Guitar.
What's the range for an Electric Guitar?
About 20 yards if you have a good arm.
What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
Depends on how far you throw it.
What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
Laughing at 'em.
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.
Why aren't guitars good at one-night stands?
Coz they suck at everything that has no strings attached!
Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people.
Why did the bass player get angry with the lead guitarist?
The lead guitarist turned a string and wouldn't say which one.
Why do guitar players like to tour in the summer?
So they can visit all their kids.
Why do guitarists prefer playing guitar to cycling?
Because with a bike you only get two pedals.
Why do scientists prefer to use guitar players over rats for experiments?
Because they breed faster and people don't get attached to them.
Why does an Electric Guitar Player leave his case on the dashboard?
So he can park in the handicapped zone.
Why is an electric guitar like a SCUD missile?
Each is offensive and inaccurate.
Why Guitars are better than Men:
•Guitars don't snore.
•Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
•Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.
•Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
•You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it.
•Guitars don't have to prove anything.
•Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them.
•Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town.
•Guitars don't have egos.
•You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right.
•Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar.
•Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard.
•Guitars don't work late.
•Your Guitar stays as clean as you want it to.
•Guitars don't have parents or kids.
•Guitars don't get sick.
•Guitars don't get overweight, unless you like the Jumbo style.
•If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
•Your Guitar always has time for you.
•Guitars don't watch TV.
•Guitars never need a shave, nor do they have hair on their backs.
•Guitars don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom.
•If you don't like the length of your Guitar's appendage you can get a new one.
•You can try out as many Guitars as you like before you get your own.
•You don't have to feed your Guitar.
•Guitars never argue, you are always right.
•Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
•Guitars don't sneak around with other Guitars.
•Guitars don't care what you look like or what your age is.
•Guitars don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on.
•Guitars don't care if you have to work late.
•When you're playing, your Guitar doesn't care if other Guitars are bigger or better.
•Guitars don't care about their performance.
•Guitars don't get you pregnant.
•Guitars don't have mothers.
•When you've finished playing, you can put it away.
•Guitars don't sulk.
•Guitars don't bore you.
•Guitars don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting players.
•Guitars don't get jealous of your male colleagues.
•Guitars never interrogate you.
•Second-hand Guitars don't brag about previous owners.
•You don't have to explain to a Guitar if you don't feel like playing tonight.
•Guitars never put you down, yet you can put them down whenever you wish.
•Guitars don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes.
•Guitars don't need remote control units.
•When you're lost you don't have to argue with your Guitar about stopping to ask the band for directions.
•When your Guitar is being played too slow, you can speed up.
•When you need someone to play with, your Guitar is happy to accommodate.
•You buy the tools your Guitar needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used.
•You determine the length and frequency of playing, and you're always in control.
•Your Guitar never finishes before you do.
•Your Guitar doesn't complain about your going out to dinner with your women friends rather than staying at home with it.
•You never get helpful suggestions from your Guitar's mother.
•Your Guitars will allow you to play it even on Super Bowl Sunday.
•Your Guitar never complains if you put on a few pounds.
•When your Guitar is dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and know that it can be fixed).
Why guitars are better than women:
•You can share your Guitar with your friends.
•Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played.
•Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
•Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
•Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
•Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
•Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
•Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
•Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
•You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
•Guitars don't get pregnant.
•You can play your Guitar any time of the month.
•Guitars don't have parents.
•Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.
•Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
•You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
•If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
•You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
•If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
•You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
•You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
•Guitars don't get headaches.
•Guitars don't care if you're late.
•You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
•If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts.
•The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick.
•When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar.
•A guitar has a volume knob.
•If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one.
Return from Guitar Jokes to Musician Jokes
•You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to.
•You can unplug a guitar.
•Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset.
•You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care.
•You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
•If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can retune it.
•If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set.
•You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to your liking.
•If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required.
•You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free.
•You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
•You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
•You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
•A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.
•A guitar doesn't care how many guitars you own.
Have You Got a Great Joke You Would Like to Share with Us?
We all would love to hear your best joke. Share it with all of us. If you'd like, I'll put a page together featuring YOU and your best jokes. Folks can find their own personal pages on YOUR PAGES off the Home page.