George Carlin Quotes

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor, and author, who won five Grammy Awards for his comedy albums.

Carlin was noted for his black humor as well as his thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. Carlin and his "Seven Dirty Words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a narrow 5–4 decision by the justices affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves.

The first of his 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO was filmed in 1977. In the 1990s and 2000s, Carlin's routines focused on the flaws in modern-day America.

He often commented on contemporary political issues in the United States and satirized the excesses of American culture. His final HBO special, It's Bad for Ya, was filmed less than four months before his death.

Carlin placed second on the Comedy Central cable television network list of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians, ahead of Lenny Bruce and behind Richard Pryor. He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era, and hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live.

Although raised in the Roman Catholic faith, Carlin became an atheist and often denounced the idea of a God in interviews and performances, notably with his "Religion" and "There Is No God" routines as heard in You Are All Diseased.

Carlin also joked in his first book, Brain Droppings, that he worshipped the sun, one reason being that he could see it. This was later mentioned in You Are All Diseased along with the statement that he prayed to Joe Pesci because "he's a good actor," and "looks like a guy who can get things done!"

In his HBO special Complaints and Grievances, Carlin introduced the "Two Commandments," a revised "pocket-sized" list of the Ten Commandments ending with the additional commandment "Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself."

Enjoy these quotes of Carlin. It was obvious that he had somewhat of "an understanding" of the English language.




"Actually this is just a place for my stuff, ya know? That's all, a little place for my stuff. That's all I want, that's all you need in life, is a little place for your stuff, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody's got a little place for their stuff. This is my stuff, that's your stuff, that'll be his stuff over there. That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is: a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time. A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff. And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. They always take the good stuff. They never bother with that crap you're saving. All they want is the shiny stuff. That's what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get . . . more stuff! Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore."
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“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
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“A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.”
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“A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.”
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“A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.”
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“Always do whatever's next.”
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“As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.”
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“As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.”
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“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”
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“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
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“Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.”
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“Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.”
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“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”
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“Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.”
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“Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.”
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“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”
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“Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”
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“Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.”
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“Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.”
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“Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.”
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"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money."
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“Cop didn't see it, I didn't do it!”
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“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”
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"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"
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"Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh... what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But! wait! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
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“Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?”
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“Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.”
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"Don`t confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything`s gonna be all right."
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“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”
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“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.”
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“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
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“Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.”
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“Everything beeps now.”
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“Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.”
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“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
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“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
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“George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.”
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“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”

“God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.”
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“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
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"Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?"
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“Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.”
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“He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.”
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"Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell."
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“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
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“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
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“Hooray for most things!”
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HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long, and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.
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AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. And if you don't send this to at least 8 people -- who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!
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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?”
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“I believe you can joke about anything.”
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“I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.”
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“I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
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“I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.”
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"I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free."
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“I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.”
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“I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every 4 years *pfff* doesn't mean a thing. Secondly, I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around – they say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain', but where's the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with.”
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"I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him."
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“I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people”
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“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.”
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“I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.”
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“I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
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“I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.”
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“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”
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“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”
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“I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.”
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“I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved -- to teach it, probably, ... Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there ... a good language gene, which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.”
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“I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.”
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“I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”
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“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.”
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“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
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“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”
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“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”
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“I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.”
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“I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.”
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“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.”
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“I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.”
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“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
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“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”
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“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
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“I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.”
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“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
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“I'm having fun because I don't take it (life) seriously - the only things I care about are my family, friends, work and my lady, Sally. Philosophers for a long time have said 'why are we here?' - I'm here for the entertainment. If you're born in the world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America, you get a front row seat.”
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“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.”
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“I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.”
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“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
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“If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.”
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“If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?”
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“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”
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“If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.”
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“If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”
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“If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?”
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“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”
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“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
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“If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?”
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"If someone loves you and they leave and don`t come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire."
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“If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?”
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“If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!”
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“If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?”
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“If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.”
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“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
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“If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.”
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“If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem”
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“If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.”
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“If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.”
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“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
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“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”
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“In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing.”
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“In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.”
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“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”
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"Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?“
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“It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.”
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"It's never just a game when you're winning."
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“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”
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“Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!”
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“Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.”
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“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”
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“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
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“Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.”
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“Life is a series of dogs”
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“Life is a zero sum game.”
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“Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day”
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“Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws (at most an occasional visit to the cemetery)”
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“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
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“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
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“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
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“Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.”
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“Most people are not particularly good at anything.”
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“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”
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“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
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“No comment” is a comment.”
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“No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.”
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“No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.”
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“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”
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“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
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“Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.”
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“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.”
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“One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.”
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“One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.”
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“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
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“One thing I don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.”
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“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”
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“People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.”
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“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”
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“Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.”
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“Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.”
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“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
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“Religion is just mind control.”
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“Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People.”
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“So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.”
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“Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.”
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“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
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“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
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“Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.”
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“Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.”
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“Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.”
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“Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!”
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“The bigger they are, the worse they smell.”
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"The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity."
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“The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.”
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“The future will soon be a thing of the past.”
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“The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.”
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“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
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“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
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“The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.”
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“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...

...and you finish off as an orgasm.”
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“The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.”
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“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”
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“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
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“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”
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“The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.”
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“The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
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“The status quo sucks.”
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“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”
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“The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”
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“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”
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“There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.”
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“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.”
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"These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people."
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“They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
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“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
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“Think off-center.”
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"This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? 'You give us a color, we'll wipe it out.'"
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"Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks."
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“This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.”
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“Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.”
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"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it."
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“We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.”
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“'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations are final. That's what it means. Destiny: final. If you haven't gotten where you're going, you aren't there yet.”
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"We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there`s a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus -- is "bogosity".
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“We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.”
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“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
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“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
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“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”
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“What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would GO OFF!! EERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! HELLO! HELLO!!”
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“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”
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“What was the best thing before sliced bread?”
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“What year did Jesus think it was?”
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“What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.”
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"When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve."
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“When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?”
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“When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.”
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“When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.”
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“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”
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“When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”
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“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.”
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““When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!”
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“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.”
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“When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of "nothing.”
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“When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.”
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“When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.”
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“Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."”
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“Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.”
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“Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?”
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“Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with”.
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“Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.”
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“Women like silent men, they think they're listening.”
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“Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.”
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“You can’t fight City Hall, but you can sure blow it up.”
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“You can't really find somebody that has been so prolific, so 'on the scene,' so popular and cutting-edge as Carlin. He is the Rolling Stones of stand-up.”
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“You get to play with people's little danger zones.”
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"You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time."
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“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”
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“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”
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“You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.”
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