Funny Wedding Jokes
Funny Wedding Jokes takes a big swing at everyone who's been or considering getting hitched. These jokes can selectively be used with almost any group.
Will you be the Best Man in an upcoming wedding? Do you need ideas for your speech, toasts and jokes? The Best Man Speech Insight
gives you all you would ever need to be the funniest Best Man ever.
I made the attempt to put this page together with a neutral point of view.
You can take turns frying the men, then it's the women's turn.
Have fun with these.
I sure did!
Funny Wedding Commercial
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny YoungmanA Must-Read, Must Have Subscription for the Married Man
A young couple were married and then embarked on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride ran to the phone and called her mother, who asked, "How was your honeymoon, dear?" "Oh, mama!" she replied, "The honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic..." But then, suddenly she burst out crying and said "but, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"
"Darling, darling," her mother said, "calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?" And, the daughter cried "please don't make me tell you, mama! I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! Just come and get me, please!"
"Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset... tell me these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace..." have this 4-to-6 year old boy running up the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.
This couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked; if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce. "Heavens no" he replied. Murder yes, but never divorce.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying-'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product. he just wasn't sure how to position it.
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . . -God I miss him!
So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!
A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for pick up and return of the groom's tux. After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either 3 or 4 sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed. The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
A man was speaking to God.
"God, why did you make women so beautiful?" he asked.
God said: "I did that to make you love them".
Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?"
God said: "I did that to make you love them".
The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?".
God said: "I did that to make them love you !"
Things NOT To Say On Your Wedding Night
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people..
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is this mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession...
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic- don't you?
Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'.
So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. "Put these on," he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. "There's no way I can wear these - they're way too big," she said. "Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family," replied the husband.
Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, "Put these on." The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, "There's no way I can get into these." To which the wife replied, "you're darn right! At least not until you change your attitude!"
Q: Why does it take 450 million male sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't stop to ask directions.
Collect a lot of keys from the wedding party/friends WITHOUT the bride and groom's knowledge. Pass them out to as many women as possible (swearing them to secrecy). During your speech, announce the "The bride realizes that the groom has had a lot of girlfriends over the years. She would appreciate it if any of them who have keys to his place could please return them." This is the cue for all the women to bring their keys to the wedding party table. Try to get a couple of pregnant women in the group and maybe somebody's grandma.
Woman don't make fools of men-most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
This married couple were travelling down the highway at a very rapid pace, when a patrolman put on the siren and pulled them over. The officer said to the husband "Can I see your license and registration". The husband says " Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong.", The patrolman replies "Sir I caught you on radar at 110 kilos an hour and the sped limit is 80 in this zone, I'll have to give you a ticket." Well the husband goes nuts saying that he wasn't speeding and the patrolman should be out catching criminals instead harassing law abiding citizens that him and his wife. The patrolman is trying to reason with the husband when the wife leans over and looks at the patrolman and says "You'll have to excuse my husband, he always gets like this when he has been drinking"
Why do brides wear white?
To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
The last wedding I was at there was a priest and a minister present. When they brought the drinks round for the toast, the minister said "I'll have a large whisky" but the priest replied " No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet woman ". So the minister put his drink back and said " Sorry I didn't know there was a choice". NOW i dont want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present i apologise, and if there is a scarlet woman here, I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase care they have no intention of driving!
My friend married a doctor. At a certain point he told her:
"You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
Shortly thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D."Why?" asked her hubby.
"You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making; I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she told him.
Funny Wedding Moments
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $ 2 million and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
Q: Why are men like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are taken and the ones left over are handicapped.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is.
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"
And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says.
"But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be something better.
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart. Get the hell out of here and have a nice day.
Q: Why is it more important for women to be pretty rather than smart?
A: Because men can see better than the they can think.
A man will pay two-dollars for a one-dollar item he needs, but a woman will pay one-dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't need.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
One day while a wife was working in her kitchen, a cupboard door came loose and when her husband got home, she asked him to fix it. He told her, "Do you see the word 'carpenter' written anywhere on this shirt?" She said "no," and he went on his way.
The next day while cleaning in the basement, she found the light didn't work. She changed the light bulb and did everything that she could to try to fix it, but it still wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she asked him, "Honey, do you think you could fix the light in the basement for me?" He simply said, "Do you see the word 'electrician' written anywhere on this shirt?" She said "No," and he went into the living room to relax.
The next day, a pipe in the kitchen began leaking. When her husband got home, she asked him to fix it for her, to which he replied, "No, do you see the word 'plumber' written anywhere on my shirt?" "No," she said, again.
The next day, the husband returned from work and saw that everything was fixed - the pipe, the light, and even the cupboard! He asked her, "Who fixed all of this?" To which she replied, "I asked the neighbor to come over and help, and he gladly agreed."
"Well, how did you repay him for his services?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "he only asked for sex, or cookies." The husband thought a moment then said "So what kind of cookies did you bake him?" The wife quickly snapped back, "do you see 'Betty Crocker' written anywhere on this shirt?"
A man was called to duty to help in the Crusades and decided that while he was gone, his wife should wear a chastity belt. So he locked her up and gave the key to his best friend, and said, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So, off the husband went on horseback, when a half-hour later he sees a cloud of dust in the distance behind him. As it came closer he could see his best friend galloping to catch up. "What's wrong?" he asked his friend, who replied, "You fool! You gave me the wrong key!"
Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.
After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?" The third man turned to the first two and said, "Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!"
The two men were dumbfounded. "Wow that's incredible! What happened next?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, "Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!"
Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole.
A woman worries about her future until she finds a husband, but a man never worries about the future until he takes a wife.
A nagging old woman at a party walked up to a belligerent old man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink!" To which he replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it!"
"Both of my ex-wives closed their eyes when making love, because they didn't want to see me having a good time." - Joseph Wambaugh
Been Married Too Long
"Marriage is a lot like the army: everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the large number that re-enlist." - James Garner
There was a couple, 85 years old, who had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. They were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
Q: What's the difference between a Savings Bond and the typical male?
A: At some point, the Savings Bond will mature!
Q: How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?
A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
Q: What did the bra say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead, I'm going to give these two a lif.
If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke, or a good wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!
Why do batchelors like smart women?
If you want a nice man go for a bald one-they try harder.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: "Yes dear".
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
If your wife is shouting at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring
- The Endue-Ring
I haven't spoken to my Mother-In-Law for eighteen months....I don't like to interrupt her.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment had passed, they both managed to fall asleep - the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leaned over the edge of the bunk and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, Sir, but I am terribly cold and was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"
The man looked up with a glint in his eye and said, "I've got a better idea... why don't we pretend we're married?" "Why not?!" giggled the woman. "Good," he replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
One day a man came home to find his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asked her what she was doing and she said, "I went to the doctor today and he told me that I have the breasts of a 16-year-old girl!"
The husband replied, "Well, what did she say about your 75-year-old ass?"
To which she replied, "Honey, your name never came up!!!"
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed,
whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know - it's never happened.
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds ?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't ?
A: Her navel.
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