Funny Valentine Quotes

Funny Valentine Quotes shine a 500 watt halogen on some of the things we need to say on Valentines Day and some things we should keep our distance. Choose from the following the phrases things you may want to say to your Valentine.

"What the world really needs is more love and less paper work."
Pearl Bailey

‘I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.'
Dorothy Parker.

'My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.'
Rita Rudner.

‘Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.’

‘If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?’

‘Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road.’
Kelly Elaine

’Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely.’
Hawkeye, M.A.S.H.

‘Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.’

‘Friendship is one mind in two bodies.’

"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke."
Lynda Barry

“Love is a game that two can play and both win.”
Eva Gabor

“When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.”
Natalie Clifford Barney

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."
Rita Rudner

“Love is like war. Easy to begin with but hard to end”

‘All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt…’
Lucy Van Pelt, Peanuts

’ Love is just a chocolate substitute.’
Melanie Clark

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" Lily Tomlin

‘Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.’
Hoosier Farmer

‘I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.’

‘We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.’
Tim McGraw

‘My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life.’
Lee Iacocca

‘If you walk in front of me, I may not follow.
If you walk behind me, I may not lead.
If you walk beside me, I will be your friend.’
Albert Camus

‘You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.’
Chico Marx

"Love doesn't grow on trees like apples in Eden - it's something you have to make. And you must use your imagination too."
Joyce Carol Oates

’A kiss is an application on the top floor a job in the basement.’

‘Valentine's Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.’

‘Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.’
Thomas Robert Dewar

'Women are cursed, and men are the proof.'
Rosanne Barr.

'Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.'
Mickey Rooney.

‘I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.’

‘Sales Ad at a Store: 'You are my one and only' valentine cards, now on sale: 4 for $5.’

’Falling in love is so hard on the knees.’

‘Basement smells bad. Look for cat poops, change litter.’
Happy Valentines Day. (note to her gardener) Martha Stewart

‘A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years…’
Rupert Brooke

‘Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house.’

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides."
David Viscott

“Love wouldn't be blind if the Braille weren't so damned much fun."

"Love, and a cough, cannot be hid."
George Herbert

"Love is being stupid together."
Paul Valery

“Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life”
Lord Byron

"I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart ! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself."
Robert Orben

‘Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.’
John Waters

‘Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.’

‘It takes a lot experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.’
Ingrid Bergman

‘It's not that I can't live without's just that I don't even want to try.’

'Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.'
Mae West.

'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.'
Groucho Marx.

"Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."
Jay Leno

"The Eskimos have 52 words for snow because it is so special to them; there ought to be as many for love."
Margaret Atwood

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place."
Zora Neale Hurston

“Once you have loved someone, you’d do anything in the world for them except love them again”

“Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.”
Judith Viorst

“Love is what you've been through with somebody."
James Thurber

“Love is not singular except in syllable.”
Marvin Taylor

’ Take my wife-please.’
Groucho Marx.

"Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life."

‘Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control’

"Love is the greatest refreshment in life."
Pablo Picasso

‘A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.’
Arturo Toscanini

‘Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.’

"Take away love and our earth is a tomb."
Robert Browning

“One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in again.”
Judith Viorst

‘When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.’
Mark Twain

‘One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.’

’ I wasn't kissing her. I was just whispering in her mouth.’
Albert Einstein

"We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack."
Marie Ebner von Eschenbach

’ I feel great and I kiss even better.’

"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap."
Dolly Parton

"Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house."

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."
Peter Ustinov

"As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words."
William Shakespeare

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

‘I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.’

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."
Erich Segal

‘Love, like a river, will cut a new path Whenever it meets an obstacle.’
Crystal Middlemas

‘True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.’
Antoine De Saint-Exupery

“Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.”
Sean Connery

‘It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.'
Alfred, Lord Tennyson

‘All you need is love.’
John Lennon

‘Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.’
Sarah Bernhardt

‘Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.’
Lynda Barry

‘If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.’
Winnie the Pooh

'I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.'
Barbara Bush.

'The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.'
Ann Landers.

‘A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; A woman loses hers after four. kisses.’
H.L. Mencken

’Love wouldn't be blind if the Braille weren't so damned much fun.’

"Never go to bed mad -- stay up and fight."
Phyllis Diller

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." Groucho Marx

‘If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.’

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special you want to annoy for the rest of your life”
Rita Rudner

"When I think of Valentine's Day, I don’t usually think of a flying toddler shooting me in the butt with arrows"

‘The heart has its reasons that reason does not know.’

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