Funny Short Stories

Funny Short Stories is a part of my personal collection of stories I was personally involved with. They are ALL true and did happen as they are written. The names have been changed to protect the innocent parties. If they ever read these, they will recognize the events in which they were involved.
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I went through the drive-through not long ago to get our lunch. Wouldn’t you know it? A sports car darted in front of me to beat me in line. I purposely got a little close to his bumper. He had a tag from a state many miles north of me, if that plays into this story. He was sitting at the menu board when he started to place his order. This was just the menu board. When nobody responded to him, he got louder and louder. I knew his patience was about over when his fingers started tapping the top of the car. Finally when he had had enough, he yelled out, “Hellooooooooo!” I guess he figured out what was happening because when he noticed a speaker a few yards ahead of him with a booming voice trying to get his attention, he pulled forward and began repeating his order speaking politely into the speaker. How did that fellow ever make it back home I don’t know.
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I was on the Maid of the Mist at Niagara Falls getting ready to take a memorable ride under the falls. I was minding my own business, in my blue poncho they give you, when a little Japanese man approached me. He held out his camera and said something like “oouiwhichihamaui”. I figured out that he wanted me to snap a picture of him and his group. So, I stood before his group and prepared to get them all in the picture. I waved my arms in and out saying move closer. They did exactly like I asked. I told them to say, cheese. Everyone in the group yells, “Rickysa”, and shows all their pearly whites. I just experienced the universal way to pose for a picture.
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I like to kill several birds with one rock. So one day as I filled my car up with gas and got my usual cup of coffee, I figured I would get a needed Birthday Card as well. The blonde at the cash register asked me who was going to get the Birthday Card. I told her just as I had picked out the one I wanted to give my friend. The blonde came over and wanted to see the card I had picked out. She told me I needed a better one so she started going through cards determined to pick out a BETTER one for me. She was oblivious to the fact I was in a hurry and liked the card I had already picked out. I thought I was going to have to check myself out just to get out of the store. I heard that she had been fired soon afterwards. In her words she probably found a BETTER job just like she did with my card.
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My painting partner and I went in together one summer and bought a boat and trailer. He grew up in Florida so he felt comfortable having this boat. Me, on the other hand, never had owned a boat or even driven one to know what this would be like. It really didn’t matter though. He asked me one morning soon after we got the boat,
“Dave, how would you feel if we didn’t own a boat anymore?” I told him it didn’t matter. I wonder if had sold it over the weekend. Not quite as I thought. You see, he had taken his kids tubing on Saturday and as he was going down the highway at 65 mph, the trailer with our boat on it, passed him and his kids. He had to chase then catch our trailer and boat and ram it to keep it from crossing the median killing some innocent family. Can you imagine getting hit head-on by a skiboat going over 70 mph hooked to a trailer. My partner managed to get the boat stopped with minimal damage to his vehicle but tore a large hole in the bottom of the boat rendering it a total loss. The State Patrolman had nothing but compliments for my partner’s quick thinking and almost stuntman quality driving. Oh well, just another story for my collection. I still haven’t got to drive a boat yet.
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I had a friend in high school whose dad owned a golf course. We used to spend Friday nights out in the barn on the golf course watching horror movies. One night we thought it would be fun to ride the golf carts over the golf course since it was pitch black and nobody could see anything. That was fun. My friend had a great idea.
“Let’s have a fish fry”, he said. This one would be different. We got 5 gallon cans and filled them with gas. Then we poured the gas onto the water at the pond. When you lit the gas it flew over the pond’s surface spiraling backwards into the air. The only problem was the gas that had spilled onto our shoes and jeans. It too caught fire and we had to put each other out. Luckily, nobody got seriously injured. Teenagers slogan,
“A mind is a terrible thing.”
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Every summer as a kid, my family took a week off and went to the beach. I loved riding the waves with a large raft. My Dad took us out to where the water was almost up to my nose. We took turns riding into the beach since we had just one raft. This one time, as I waited on my Dad to return, something hit me in my back pretty hard. I wasn’t wearing my glasses so it took me a minute to locate what had just hit me. Boom, it hit me again. This time I saw it. It looked like a shark. As I panicked I began yelling for help as I thrashed my way toward the shore. The large fish hit me in the back again. The lifeguard was the first person to me. He saw the fish and trid to hit it. My Dad arrived with help at that moment. They got me to the shore just fine. I had some red places on my stomach and back where this fish had hit me. It wasn’t a shark but a large Pilot fish. That was what was hitting me. My wife loves to add to this story,
“Pilot fish, they hook onto whales, don’t they?”
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One Thanksgiving weekend, my Dad, his 3 brothers and I chartered a boat and went deep sea fishing. The 15 mile trip offshore proved to be no fun at all. A cold, misty rain began just as we started out that morning. Not one fish had been caught all day. The captain had the idea we should try a little shark fishing since nothing was biting that day. So we switched our rods and bait and began. I was fishing in the back seat, buckled in that seat with a seat belt. Should I hook something big, I was prepared to reel it in with the safety precautions having been met. No sharks were hungry that day either. I fell asleep, sitting in that chair as the boat rocked up and down on the swells. On one pitch up by the boat, my seat broke off. My Dad caught my harness just as I was going overboard in the cold water, strapped into my seat with this tight seatbelt. We were ready to call it a day and go in after that. Had he not caught me, I figured I could have found a shark when nobody else could.
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My wife and I rented this house out in the country that had 3 acres of woods and a nice big above ground swimming pool. We decided to have our friends over for a pool party and barbeque. Several days before our event, we visited the Pool Doctor to get the chemicals needed to shock the pool back to its Arnold Palmer status. He told us we needed this little brush to go along with the chemicals. So, we bought everything and began to get the pool in great shape. It looked fantastic after the first day. We were putting the finishing touches on with the little brush, polishing the floor of the pool, whe my wife noticed a little, tiny bubbling of water outside the pool. It started to bubble a little harder. We realized we had a leak. The tiny brush had put a pinhole in the bottom of our pool. I ran into the house to call the Pool Doctor to find out what we should do. I took a car mat and told my wife to put her foot over this mat directly over the pinhole. When I was on the phone with the Pool Doctor, I looked outside and did not see my wife so I ran back out to the pool. She was holding on the edge of the pool for dear life as the hole had become larger, big enough to pass 2 people through. The force of the water going out this hole and back up to the surface was almost sucking her under with it. She held on and the entire pool was gone in under 15 minutes. A mole had tunneled underneath the pool and created a spot with no support. Our trusty pool brush found that very spot. Our neighbor drove in from work soon after this incident and wondered where these 20,000 gallons of water had come from. It WAS a very large pool before we cleaned it.
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I promised my friend, Pete, that I would take him flying if he ever came to see me. He made his way out one weekend so I reserved the 2 seater at the small country airfield. Pete was supposed to arrive at the airfield around 2:00 in the afternoon. This was in November, so it got dark around 6:00. Pete finally drove into the parking lot around 5:45. I had to fulfill my promise. We were going flying for a few minutes. In my hurry to get us in the air, I failed to check the weather and left my maps in the back seat of my car. We were only going to be gone a few minutes I thought. When I turned the plane around to head home, there was nothing to see as a point of reference. A storm was coming in, which I didn’t know anything about, so the ceiling had dropped making visibility impossible. There were 1,200 foot towers in the area which I could not see so I took us up to 3,000 feet thinking about how I was going to get us out of this situation. With no maps, I had no source of frequencies to call upon. I took a chance and found the Approach Control of a large airport 30 miles away. He plotted me on his rader and talked me right to the runway of the little country airfield. AT 500 feet, I could not see the runway. He basically, talked me through an instrument landing. I was illegal as could be. I flew by visual flight rules. He handed me off and never reported me so I had no fine to pay or received any penalty affecting my license. My friend was white as Casper the Ghost when I landed and stopped the engine. We’ll never forget the night we should have died.
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We were celebrating the first Christmas in our new house. I had gotten us a 12 foot tree that fit in our living room. It was beautiful. The problem came when it was time to take the tree down. It wasn’t budging. I remember the look on my neighbor’s face as he saw me crank the chainsaw, then go into my house cutting something as far as he knew. It was all my wife and I could do to get the top half of that tree out of the house. I had to cut several branches off the bottom half to make it light enough to get out of the living room. We later bought a 6 foot fake tree and it does a great job year after year.
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I used to play trumpet in the shows and circus that come through the Coliseum. One year, I was backstage warming up before one of the Ringling Brothers’ shows. This man from the circus ran over to me and pushed me out of the way. Before I got upset, I saw why he had done that. I was standing with my back to one of the animal trailers which was covered by a very large tarp. One of the polar bears had reached through the cover attempting to get me in its grasp. This man probably saved my life. From then on, I kept my back to a wall.
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I had my head under the bathroom sink with my basin wrench almost ready to make the repair when my little girl of 2 years tapped me on my leg and handed me the cup of coffee she had brought me. She had this miniature tea set that she enjoyed playing with. I tossed down the coffee (water) and handed her the small cup. Before I could reposition myself under the sink she taps me on my leg again with more coffee. I tossed this one down as well. I realized she was too small and this was too fast to get on the stool putting her at the kitchen sink. So as I watched her I was shocked. She was dipping the little cup into the commode. That was my coffee. I’m glad we reinforce good bathroom habits and proper flushing was one of them.
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Mrs. Pumpkin, our hamster, had fallen down the steps in her ball and broken her back. I called several vets who wanted $35 to put a $5 hamster to sleep. Finally I found a vet who would handle this for $5. I was carrying Mrs. Pumpkin to the car in a shoebox but couldn’t stand the thought of not letting the kids say goodbye. My youngest, then 3, was playing a board game with a friend in the kitchen. I asked her if she wanted to say goodbye to Mrs. Pumpkin, since I had to take her to the vet and be put to sleep. The little girl playing with my youngest asked the question, “What does that mean, put to sleep?” My youngest chimed in,
“That means they’re gonna kill it.” My youngest said goodbye and never looked back.
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My oldest daughter had the most interesting observation regarding death. We were all at the Funeral Home as my wife’s Grandmother had passed away. It came time as the people had left the Funeral Home for the family to have their final viewing. My little girl stood at the casket right beside her cousin, their noses barely reaching the top of the casket. It was totally quiet when my daughter’s cousin said, “I think Nana has just fallen asleep.” My girl was quick to respond by saying, “Fallen asleep, she’s dead.” She then continued with this remark.
“But this place sure knows how to decorate them pretty.” The room was no longer sad and quiet.
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My girls always asked me tough questions when they were little. My oldest wondered if I had ever seen a television when I was a kid. My youngest, at 5 years old, inquired me one day if she could ask me a personal question but she didn’t want me getting mad at her for asking it. I assured her it was ok to ask me anything. This was the question she asked me.
”Dad, when you were young, were you ever good lookin’?” I asked her why would she would ask me a question like that. She said,
“I always wondered what Mommy saw in you.” I believe I told her that I was smarter than her Mother.
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