Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
Your 14 year-old daughter smokes at the dinner table in front of her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. ____________________
East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. ____________________
Here's some Redneck Hunters
Don't throw out yer feller's drawers when the skidmarks don't wash out no more. Just cut the crotch out and wear 'em.
Recycling at its best...On the other hand...$6 for a three pack is a good price!! ____________________
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:
Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '86 Dodge Diplomat
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The spa n is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? ____________________
You Might Be a Redneck if:
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don'twant it.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You have used a rag for a gas cap.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your fathermade it.
You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say CoolWhip on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. ____________________
(United States Redneck Special Forces)
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq with only the following facts about terrorists: 1. Season opens today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. ____________________
Please use the link pad below to quickly view the many pages of jokes.
Have You Got a Great Joke You Would Like to Share with Us?
We all would love to hear your best joke. Share it with all of us. If you'd like, I'll put a page together featuring YOU and your best jokes. Folks can find their own personal pages on YOUR PAGES off the Home page.
What Other Visitors Have Said
Click below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...
Redneck Joke You may be a redneck if you ask your father for your high school sweethearts' hand in marriage.