Funny Quotes About Life

Funny Quotes About Life puts into perspective the ups and downs we all experience day to day. There are many truths and lessons we’ve learned the hard way portrayed in these quotes.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Life is like a game of poker: If you don't put any in the pot, there won't be any to take out.

The cost of living's going up, and the chance of livin's going down.

I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life.

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.

Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days you will be right.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

If an article is attractive, or useful, or inexpensive, they'll stop making it tomorrow; if it's all three, they stopped making it yesterday.

Keep a thing seven years and it's bound to come in handy.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist.

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

Life is just one damned thing after another.

How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.

If there is something you must do and you cannot do it, you cannot do anything else.

In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.

It's always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped.

The Act of God designation on all insurance policies... means roughly that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you. If your ox kicks a hole in your neighbor's Maserati, however, indemnity is instantaneous.

Life is just a phase you're going'll get over it.

No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you.

A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

An unwatched pot boils immediately.

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart.

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed for example that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.

Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.

Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.

Life's more amusing than we thought.

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.

I tell you this, and I tell you plain:
What you have done, you will do again;
You will bite your tongue, careful or not,
Upon the already-bitten spot.

Admiration is a very short-lived passion, that immediately decays upon growing familiar with its object.

An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.

The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly -- because if they don't speak fast nobody will listen to them.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.

Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.

The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly -- because if they don't speak fast nobody will listen to them.

Life is a zoo in a jungle.

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

No one is listening until you fart.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Amount of time it takes for a dog to "do its business" is directly proportional to outside temperature + suitability of owner's outerwear.

It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

There are men whom you will never dislodge from an opinion, except by taking possession of it yourself.

People who snore always fall asleep first.

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.

There must be more to life than having everything.

Were it offered to my choice, I should have no objection to a repetition of the same life from its beginning, only asking the advantages authors have in a second edition to correct some faults in the first.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

For most men life is a search for the proper manilla envelope in which to get themselves filed.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

If you wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I have never met anyone who wanted to save the world without my financial support.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

When people search for "Life Quotes" they are often looking for quotes about life. Why do the major search engines only give them hundreds of pages of commercial garbage about Life Insurance Quotes?

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