Funny Irish Quotes

Funny Irish Quotes paint a realistic picture of the nature and personality of those bred Irish. These quotes are samples dating back several hundred years to those current. Enjoy these, no matter what your background may be….it still applies to you.

“Nodding the head does not row the boat”.

“When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.”
James Goldsmith

“The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it.”
Sidney Littlewood

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished.”

"An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth."

"A hair on the head is worth two on the brush."
Oliver Herford

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet."

"Don't talk about a rope in the house of someone whose father was hung."
Colin Farrell

"Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me."

“We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English.”
Winston Churchill quotes (British Orator, Author and Prime Minister during World War II. 1874-1965)

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy teenagers?"

"The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch."
James Boswell

"The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another."

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
Jerome K Jerome

“God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish”

"My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.”

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."

“Sometimes I think I am a genius. Then I realize I’ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.”

“If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks."

"You never miss the water till the well has run dry."
Irish Proverb

"A turkey never voted for an early Christmas."

"Everyone is wise until he speaks."
Irish Drinking Toast

"Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!"

“I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same.”
Iris Murdoch quotes (British Novelist and Philosopher, 1919-1999)

“Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.”
Irish Blessings quotes

“Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.”

"The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried."

"Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to."

“It's a loser's emblem (swastika), because the Nazis lost the war. It's ridiculous to suggest we are involved with fascists. All my best friends are black, gay, Irish or criminals.”
Johnny Rotten quotes (British Musician)

“The trouble with me is that I am a vindictive old shanty-Irish bitch.”
Eleanor Medill Patterson

“I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

"God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world."

"Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it."

"May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope."

"There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened."

"I can resist everything except temptation."
Oscar Wilde

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."

“Wherever you go and whatever you do, May the luck of the Irish be there with you”
Irish Blessings quotes

“St. Patrick... one of the few saints whose feast day presents the opportunity to get determinedly whacked and make a fool of oneself all under the guise of acting Irish.”
Charles M. Madigan

"As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction!"

"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come."

"Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money!)"

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."
George Bernard Shaw

"Praise the ripe field not the green corn."

"In heaven there is no beer...
That's why we drink ours here."

“May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door.”
Irish Blessings quotes

“"Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy.'”
William Butler Yeats quotes (Irish prose Writer, Dramatist and Poet. Nobel Prize for Literature in 1923. 1865-1939)

"He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice."

“If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain.”
William Howard Taft (American 27th US President (1909-13).

"A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life."

"I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming."
A. A. Attanasio

"Better be quarelling than lonesome."

“The Irish - Be they kings, or poets, or farmers, They're a people of great worth, They keep company with the angels, And bring a bit of heaven here to earth.”
Irish Sayings quotes

“Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter.Lullabies, dreams and love ever after. Poems and songs with pipes and drums. A thousand welcomes when anyone comes... That's the Irish for you!”
Irish Sayings quotes

"When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious."

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?"

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

“Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.”
Irish Blessings quotes

"Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish.”
Ted Whitehead

“The English are not happy unless they are miserable, the Irish are not at peace unless they are at war, and the Scots are not at home unless they are abroad.”
George Orwell, (English Novelist and Essayist, 1903-1950)

"If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized."

“I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt.”
Edna O'Brien, (Irish Writer, b.1932)

"Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

“Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart."
Jon Stewart

“Irish Alzheimer's: you forget everything except the grudges”

"Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . . Making the last car payment."

"A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book."

"I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!"

"A quarrel is like buttermilk: once it's out of the churn, the more you shake it, the more sour it grows."

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