Funny Embarrassing Stories

Funny Embarrassing Stories are all close to my heart. They are all true. I witnessed these as they unfolded giving me a lifetime of stories to tell.

Most of the time, I was the one getting embarrassed. These events have made it harder for anyone or anything to embarrass me anymore. I’ve learned just to move on with it.

Having one of these devices in your possession would eliminate many embarrassing stories.

The Toot Tone

My wife and I were at the mall one Christmas season doing some shopping. I noticed people pointing and laughing at my wife as they passed us. I stepped in front of my wife, looked back at her and began to laugh myself. She had gotten in her bag and pulled out what she thought was Chap Stick. She had proceded to coat her lips with a very thick layer of protection against the winter cold. In reality, she had pulled out her brightest red lipstick and gave herself a Bozette face. Bozette…the bride of Bozo the Clown.

In college I took a math class during one of the summer school sessions. The teacher was an arrogant TA who had no business even attempting to relate to members of the human race. The room was kept so cold that we all wore jackets and sweatshirts in July with the outside temperature hovering around 98. One day, the teacher’s fly was all the way down. He had a habit of rummaging through his pants as he lectured. This forced his fly to gap open even more and reveal his shirttail as it began flapping on the outside of his pants. He spun around and said, “Is it me, or is it getting cold in here?” the class broke out into a thunderous laugh. When he was told why we were laughing, he immediately dismissed the class…an hour early.

I took Health Class my Freshmen year in college. One morning I got up late, missed breakfast, so I ate a can of Beanie-Weenies with some crackers. Off to class I went. That morning we got to see a film of actual heart attack victims getting CPR and better. I was sitting on the front row, end seat of a horseshoe-style seating arrangement. Watching the film intently, I was getting light-headed as they worked on the victims. When they cut the guys chest open, I passed out. When I came to, I was on the floor looking up to my teacher and the all-girl class besides me, the only male. My shirt was open, my belt undone, my pants undone so I could get more air I guess. The ambulance was called and the guys came into the room with the gurney to haul me off. By this time I was feeling fine. I could never become a person who worked in the ER. At the Dining Hall that night I caught a lot of finer pointing going on the the room. I could even read their lips as they said,
“There’s the guy who passed out in our glass.”
I was barred from this class when the birth films were being shown.

I had just been diagnosed with the flu on this cold February day. The nurse had given me an injection and told me I was good to go. I put on my parka and continued to the lobby. I looked through the little hole in the glass and asked the receptionist how much my bill would be for today. My checkbook and pen were in my hands when it hit me. I saw spots and the room began to fade. Before I could do or say anything it happened. Out I go. I remember seeing the doctor’s face right in mine getting me back. He told me this was bad for business and to go lie down in the back examining room. The receptionist joked that the charges for this morning weren’t that bad.

When I moved to Illinois for grad school I got sick in the 2nd week of being there. My stomach was reeling. I went to the school infirmary. The doctor wanted me to provide 3 days of stool samples for examination. I did this over the weekend. I walked into the infirmary on Monday morning and the lobby was full. I had the stool samples in their individually labeled cups with lids hidden in a plain brown lunchsack. I did not want to draw attention to what I was doing. The receptionist saw me looking around carrying the brown lunchsack and yelled across the entire lobby,
”Hey, drop your stool samples through that little window over there on that wall. I should have thanked her for this morning’s chuckle in the waiting room.

I was being a good church member and went to the Red Cross on Church Sunday to participate with my fellow church members in giving the gift of life. Again, I saw spots and saw the room fade away into the sunset. The next thing I knew was getting a slap in the face and being yelled at by a nurse, saying,
“Come on, be a MAN!” My blood pressure had bottomed out once again and there I went, off to sleep. The Red Cross convinced me if I wanted to participate in another Church Sunday to donate my help as a receptionist.

I was sitting in the lab area of the hospital when it was heavily overcrowded. Blood samples were being drawn in the lobby. It was my turn; I assumed the position and looked the other way as the blood began to flow. Somehow, the lady dropped the vial of my blood into my shoe and I felt my warm blood in my shoe. You guessed it, I saw black spots and the room began to fade. Same routine, everyone in the lobby got a free show that morning compliments of moi.

Our family had a tradition of walking up and down the fishing pier just before we got into the car to return home. On this walk down the pier, we walked past many old fisherman who were spending their day hoping for a good catch. My youngest girl, Natalie, spotted a school of jellyfish not too far away from the pier. She asked, “What are those, Mommy?” My wife answered in her customary booming voice, “Those are jellyfish, my dear.” Natalie then asked, “What are those things dangling down below the jellyfish, Mommy?”
The word my wife meant to send over the loud speaker voice was Tentacles. All the fisherman got a big laugh at this Wild Kingdom moment.

Our spring concert for the Junior High Band and Chorus was held in an older building with no air conditioning available. The night of the concert proved to be very hot and humid. All boys wore royal blue French cuffed shirts with white pants and ties. The Band Director asked me to turn the fan up on the aisle side of the stage to give all of us a little more cool air. When I bent down to turn the fan’s speed up, my tie slipped through the blade guard and got shredded by the blades, pulling me practically into the fan. I managed to get loose and the grease on my ties was all over me. It didn’t phase me. I participated in the entire concert looking worse than any car mechanic ever looked. The laughing at me didn’t do permanent damage to my ego, it prepared me for bigger and better things that would be coming.

Did you know it is off limits to laugh at a medically induced fart? Those are immune to laughter. When I got my colonoscopy I robed in a room where I heard the person beside of me passing tremendous gas. It was a Boomer. I wanted to laugh but the nurse acted as if nothing had happened. I figured it out when I was in the Recovery Room. I was lying on my side, with 2 large straws out my rear end. The nurse came in and began pressing on my stomach, taking advantage of my dual exhaust, telling me we had to get rid of all the air they had used during the procedure. This fart was so loud, it had to have been heard in the waiting room……but nobody laughed……it was a medically induced fart.

We were eating lunch one day in the shade of this huge maple tree. Painters working out in the hot day put their manners on the shelf. So, I ripped one during the lunch break that was rather loud. Later that afternoon I was up on a 28 foot ladder painting the boxing on the back of the house. The kids came running onto the back deck pulling their Mom onto the back deck. Then they started pointing at me and singing,
“There’s the painter that pooted, there’s the painter that pooted.” To this day some of my old painting buddies still call me by that nickname coined that hot summer day.

We were painting this house’s exterior trim. I was running windows on the 2nd floor. As I climbed the ladder and began to work on this window I then noticed a little 3 year-old girl sitting on the potty. I was about to go back down the ladder when the Mom ran in and said they would go to another bathroom upstairs. Someone on our crew had spilled a bug killing concentrate in the back of the work van and stunk like high heavens. The lady and her little girl came out the back door and asked what that terrible smell was. One of the guys told her about the spill. She said, “I’m so sorry. I told my daughter that the man at our window had bad gas.” The entire paint crew pointed at me and started singing just like those kids did,
“There’s the painter that pooted. There’s the painter that pooted.” The woman had no idea what button she had just pressed.

For a short time in history, my college held the world record for the most people participating in the same streak. I heard about this getting ready to happen, so I took my spot in the Quad…..TO WATCH…..There were hundreds of naked students wearing only tennis shoes going on a rather brisk run. This one girl who was a bit overweight was participating but not in good enough physical condition to make it the full distance of the streak. There she was all pooped out, breathing heavily and could not go a step further. Somebody quickly got her a blanket but memories were made that night. This was her gold medal appearance.

Before moving to Illinois, I took my grandparents out to their favorite ice cream parlor for a banana split. My grandmother preferred the chocolate nut sundae. She was wearing a mint green pantsuit that day. None of us realized until we were walking to the front to pay the bill that my grandmother had spilled chocolate syrup into her chair and had squirmed in it for the past 30 minutes. Can you imagine what everybody was starring at as we walked out? What did they think? We laid a beach towel in the van for her to sit on. I’m not sure the pantsuit was ever worn again after that day.

Many years ago, I spent 5 weeks in Florida enrolling all the doctors, nurses and all personnel of this huge hospital. Four of us had to enroll 2,800 people in just 5 weeks. We had to spend one of our first afternoons listening to salesman pitch their dental insurance to the enrolling group. I remember this one older man began to make his presentation and got very nervous. He stated that,
“Our program is superior because we pay for 100% of your prophalactics.” The word he was looking for was prophalaxis.

During the enrollment at this hospital, we were taken out by a couple executives from the insurance company. The exclusive Spanish Restaurant we visited was packed and we did not have a reservation. While we were standing in the lobby, a very attractive woman walked up beside me and asked if my group had a reservation. I told her we did not. She then asked if I had any more chewing gum. I did not. The only gum I had was what I was chewing. She said she would take ½ of that if I would let her have it. I thought she was putting me on, so I gave her half. She tossed it into her mouth and began to ask me something as our table was made ready and one of the executives pulled me away from my newly found friend. The entire table was laughing at me.
”Dave, how do you spell HOOKER?” was my first question asked as we sat down at our table. I have lead a very simple life and don’t get out much.

I rode 2 hours down the highway with a friend to a conference. We were fed a huge lunch and then right back to the class for more instruction. I figured we would take a mid-afternoon break around 3:00 at the latest. No way. This teacher was going to complete his mission. I felt a major gas bubble building. No break at all that afternoon…what was I to do. We left the classroom at 5:00 and everyone was walking out together into the parking lot. How was I going to ditch this one. I quickly planned my strategy. When my friend opened his cardoor I would let it rip. I timed it perfectly. As his key turned the lock and door started to open, I opened the gate and let this one fly… least 6-8 seconds in length with a Richtor Scale reading of a 7. When I got in the car and looked to my right for my seatbelt, I was shocked. There sat a lady, in her car, right beside use with her window rolled down. She was holding the steering wheel with both hands, her eyes closed, while shaking with laughter. The biggest bust of my life so far. Guess what she told at the supper table that night?

My paint crew was painting my doctor’s offices at night when the office had closed. One night one of the painters ripped a very loud fart and blamed it on me yelling…”David”. Right as they yelled my name my doctor’s wife peered around the corner grinning at me. I should have told her it was not me.

I once made the mistake of telling one of our newer salesman to be confident and not to let anybody “kick their cat”. I should have been clearer in what that really meant. I was walking with this young man one day when 2 college girls said something rude to us. Before I could respond, my yong salesman trainee yells at the girls, “Up yours, douchbags!” I took the young salesman aside and explained to him in simple terms what I had really meant.

My wife and I were attending a symphonic concert in Springfield, Illinois. We were seated in the balcony. The fellow holding the large 30 inch cymbals wore his hair in the Bozo the Clown styhle. He had no hair in the middle. The hair on the sides and back passed his collar going way down onto his jacket. When he clasped and pumped the cymbals for an effect, the air made his hair fly above his head. He did this repeatedly. It got funnier and funnier to my wife and I. We broke out laughing and tried to control it but it was impossible. The cymbal player kept on doing it. We kept on snickering, getting stares from many in front of us as they glared at us. Finally, enough was enough and one of the ushers asked us to step outside. We had enough as well. We couldn’t take anymore of the concert so we went to the ice cream parlor on our way home.

My painting partner had severe pains in his side one day as we were working. I thought he had the flu. He insisted we finish out the day. That night, his wife called to inform me his appendix had ruptured and he was in the operating room for an emergency procedure. My partner told me a few months later that as he was standing in line at the DMV for his tag renewal, a girl kept turning around and waving at him. He yelled up the line to her, “How do we know each other?”
Her answer was, “I’m the one who shaved your Willie Johnson, just before you went into surgery a few months ago.”
He then remembered who she was. The entire room got a big laugh over this.

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