Funny Church Bulletins

Funny Church Bulletins house many important announcements that are partially accurate. These need to have been proofread a little better I'd say. The gist is there, but don't take this information to the bank. These excerpts are taken from real, Sunday morning bulletins.
_______________________________________________________

"Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."

Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church.

After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor.

Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off--let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Marta Troutman will teach you how to put pizzas in your floral arrangements.

The pastor has a 2001 Mustnag for sale.

The youth group will be having their 13th annual Bowel-A-Thon.

You're invited to join us as Tommy and Angela renew their vowels next Saturday.

Join us next week for the dedication of our new expanded facility. The new sanctuary has seating for 1,000 compared to 999 for our old building.

To make Martha's delicious cookies you start with one cup of male syrup.

Pastor Young and his wife have had and several horse guests this week.

For Father’s Day each father present was given a pine tree or apple tree seedling to be planted along with his children.

The Lord commanded Peter to Feed my sleep.

"Help blow up and decorate the church with balloons on Easter morning. Meet at 7:30 am to help. Won’t take long!"

Please be in prayer for Jim and Judy, their baby daughter was born 9 months premature.

The Women’s Missionary Union will meet the first yesterday in January.

Sunday we’ll have a special day to honor our youngsters for their schoolarship.

The Rev. Dr. John Doe, our featured speaker for the breakfast, also blessed and blessed and blessed and blessed the meal.

Women on Missions (WOMS) will meet Thursday at noon. Childhood will be provided in the nursery.

The scholarship committee is accepting applications for church members attending a Baptist affiliated college this fall. Applications and guidelines are available in the vestibule. The Appalachians should be submitted by July 1st.

We will vote on six new deacons next Sunday. The following ordained men have agreed to serve if elated.

Jane Doe, who attends the Singles class, shared with me that she is walking in the Multiple Sclerosis walk-a thong. Let’s support her effort. --Gaye

Dr. Doe was the featured speaker for the Seniors Group. He noted that you can often avoid those usual winter colds if you avoid fatigue, loss of sleep and over-creating.

The Pastor is a member of the Lions Club and co-chair of the county fair board this year. He urges everyone to attend and support this important community fundraising event and join him in working to have a successful affair.

You’re invited to join the Sunset Club, our church seniors group. Activities include community singing, dancing, dramatic efforts, and table games. The group is composed solely of participanting members.

Games were enjoyed by the Young Marrieds Class at the home of John and Jane Doe.

Members of the Senior’s Breakfast Club stretched and strained Thursday morning as John Doe, local physical therapist, demonstrated several exercises during the club meeting. There will be no meeting next week.

Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Singles Ministry Building this Saturday. We need lots of singles to volunteer for the work crew. We have a long list of items to be cleaned. The widows need extra attention.

Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours.”

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage-6 pm.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of “Blessed Assurance” will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All.”

The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.



Return to Church Funnies