Funny Christian Stories
Funny Christian Stories came from my time on the job, having witnessed personally each and everyone of these funny events.
This is one area where I am confident I Am the Expert.
For the past 28 years, I have been working in churches as their Director of Music.
Many ridiculous, funny things have found their way into the Wednesday and Sunday Services, the Staff Meetings and the Music Rehearsals.
I witnessed these happen first-hand.
These Funny Christian Stories are genuine and TRUE.
Here we go……this is what really happened.
Recently I was playing with our band for a conference where 90% of those in attendance was female. The host of the event on an early Saturday morning wanted to make sure that everyone’s phone was taken care of. Here’s what he said.
Everyone caught what he had just said, but he still has no idea what he had really said.
A missionary was visiting our church and was offered the pulpit for the Wednesday night, midweek service. I sat at the piano, just a few feet from the screen where he was projecting his slides. He showed a picture of a man who had beaten himself and was bleeding all over his back. The missionary actually said, “Here’s a man who flattuated himself to death!”
Nobody told the missionary the word he was looking for was
It only took 3 minutes for the laughter to cease.
I took the band from our church to another church for their Revival Services. Being the guest musicians, we were given 30 minutes up front of the service for Praise and Worship. As we finished, we were asked to sit then escorted to the front row. The guest Evangelist then took the pulpit. He was a fireball, at least 85 years old, and spoke with much energy. He opened his message this way:
“Thank you, Lord, for saving my soul.”
“Thank you, Lord, for making my hole.
I remember this saying to end with
“making ME whole.”
It only took 5 minutes for the front row I was on to simmer down.
In college, I used to play the offertory at many churches as the guest trumpet soloist. This one time, in particular, I had an interest in the Choir Director’s daughter (who also sung in the choir), so I paid very little attention to the directions at the Wednesday rehearsal. I never heard or was aware that this piece was to start at Letter D. So on Sunday morning, I stood with the choir and never played a note. I was lost the entire time. The piece ended, I sat down with my trumpet and was never spoken to again by the Choir Director or her daughter.
I was playing with a small orchestra for the church’s Christmas Program. The strings were late getting to rehearsal just prior to the program, so we never had time to rehearse the “Hallelujah Chorus”. The Director, who played organ as well, told us “Just play it as you’ve always played it.” As the program was ending, with the “Hallelujah Chorus” was just seconds from being over, I played it as I many times before…..I led the brass in with my head nod. This was not what the Director had in mind. He jumped off the organ bench, pointed his finger at me and yelled,
After throwing his robe behind him and taking his positon back at the organ, he yelled to the entire orchestra, “NOW”.
The piece was officially over and so was I from ever returning to that church for any musical presentations.
When I accompany the Praise Team on Sunday mornings I hear everything through my headphone mix. One Sunday morning I played the introduction to the first praise song and then I sang at the top of my lungs, "Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest."
I picked up instantly that the singers and congregation was staring at me. The Sound Operator had my keyboard off in the house system and the monitor mix. Nobody had heard any of my keyboard, just my booming voice shot out of the canon. Just another embarrasing moment in my repertoire.
A little girl came down front for the Children’s Sermon one Easter. The Pastor complimented her holding the microphone right in front saying, “Honey, I think you are wearing one of the nicest Easter dresses I have ever seen.” The little girl responded directly into the microphone,
“Thank you Pastor, Mommy says it’s a real bitch to iron though.”
One Wednesday night the choir practice was about to run over. We were going to miss the next week’s practice because of a Youth Program on Abstinence called “Worth the Wait”.
I was in a hurry and told the choir about the special program coming the next week called
when a fellow choir member corrected me saying the program was called, “Why Wait?”
I had been at this particular church only 2 weeks. On my 3rd Sunday morning, the Pastors stormed into the Chapel with very happy smiles on their faces. I had never seen them in this good a mood. The Senior Pastor reached into the pulpit and pulled out a pair of scissors. He said, “You never know what you may find in the back of a pulpit these days. Anybody trying to tell me something?” Seeing he was in such a good mood, I answered, “Cut it short!
In an instant, the happy smiles were gone and I realized how great those first 2 weeks had been.
I have a CDL and drive the church's 28 passenger bus for various trips. On my first outing with the church's Senior Organization, I was on my best behavior trying to make a good impression and win some brownie points with some of the Senior members. I had taken the group to a museum. I tried to crank up a conversation with this one gentleman at a historic exhibit. I found out he liked history. "So do I", I said to this elderly man. I figured this was my chance to create the common bond. He listened intently as I explained to him when I lived in Illinois I loved visiting Abraham Lincoln's house. Here I could actually touch the furniture he sat in and walk through the rooms of his house imagining what it would have been like if Abe himself were there. All of a sudden, the Elderly man yells at me, "I hate that Son-of-a-Bitch!"
I walked away telling the man it was nice getting to meet him. I'll see you back on the bus.
Our pastors and several elders were at a regional meeting over a weekend so the pulpit was filled by other Lay Leaders of our church. Both of our pastors names were Richard. So during the time of prayer, this fellow actually said, “Today, we need to pray for our Dicks.” Somehow, the room stayed quiet.
The band was finishing the offertory one Sunday night. We had piano, drums, guitar, bass and me on the trumpet. We did a jazz piece and most of the congregation loved it. A fellow came up after church and said to me, “If you’d put a steel guitar with that it might sell.”
Here's an audio clip of the beginning of a service I attended.
I was leading a choir rehearsal one morning for our Senior Choir. We were in the Chapel making lots of progress. My painting partner and I had just converted our cell phones over to the phones with walkie-talkies in them. With just a loud beep, the choir heard my painting partner scream, I'm sick of this shit!"
I pressed the talk button on my phone and said, "I'm in a choir rehearsal at the moment. Can I call you back in a little bit?"
A fellow came up to me one Sunday morning just a few seconds before the service was to begin and asked me, “Did you change the oil and filter in the organ this past week?” I told him I wasn’t sure what he meant and he very plainly stated, ”It’s too damn loud!”
An elder at the end of this service asked me would I pass a note to our organist asking her to play a little louder.
One Christmas season I had asked this one young family to come up front for the Lighting of the 2nd Advent Candle and read this script I had given them as their child lit the candle. At the moment they were finished
Another man stood up and re-read the same script word-for-word, then sat back down. This was very strange. I found out that another Lay member of the Worship Committee had asked him to do this. When I asked the member of our committee why she had done this, she said, “I figured you were busy at Christmas so I was trying to help you out.” She could have helped me out by informing me what she was doing.
One Sunday morning our Senior Pastor forgot to turn his lapel microphone off as he visited the bathroom in his office. The Sound Operator threw down his donut and made a dash to the Sound Booth to end this part of Sunday morning’s entertainment.
This one Sunday morning I fell asleep on the highway as I drove to church. I woke up by spilling coffee into my lap. I then realized I took an Ambien sleeping pill rather than my blood pressure pill. This was the extended release pill so staying awake at the keyboard was hard work. I did some swaying that morning as I fell asleep and woke up 400 times before the service ended.
At our Easter Musical one year, we were doing this one piece that was quiet and very moving. I had driven the point home to the choir that there could be no movement at all during this piece. So, as we were into this piece I saw spots and the choir went away not once but three times. The last thing I remember was asking the drummer if he could help me off the conductor’s podium. I spent the remainder of the service in the front pew. I had passed out and missed 5 songs. So much for the great effect of no movement during the most intense moment of our program.
One year for Holy Week we gave a rendition of the Living Last Supper. The set was the Upper Room where Jesus met with his 12 Disciples. It was made to look like the famous Leonardo da Vinci painting. I rented costumes, wigs and beards from the NC School of the Arts Theatre Department. As I was showing the fellow in the Wardrobe Room the program we had printed, with the da Vinci painting on the cover, he said to me,
We'll have all your guys looking better than Charlton Heston!"
I wanted to make the Living Last Supper very special. So, the program ended with the congregation leaving their pews, going to the stage 12 at a time to take Communion at the table where Jesus had just been portrayed with his Disciples. I went all out...not only in the costumes but I had grapes, wine, bread and fish on the table as the cast ate their meal. This proved to be most important. I received 2 notes of complaint that week about the program. The notes said,
For a musical the choir sure didn't sing very much.
Your fish stunk so bad, it drove me away from the table.
I'm glad the program moved them.
As Director of Worship, I also work closely with the families for weddings and funerals. Recently we had a funeral where the Wife of the Deceased asked that I put together a Men's Quartet and add a Dixieland Trumpeter for the Recessional..."When the Saints Go Marchin' In." She specifically asked this be done as the family exited the sanctuary. As we rehearsed the piece 45 minutes before the service began, a fellow walked in with a bagpipe and asked me where the family would be sitting since he had come to play "Amazing Grace" as the family exited the sanctuary. I asked him if he had spoken with the Wife. "No, she had left a message on my phone." He was very upset that he had driven an hour and a half assuming
he was to play at this service. I tried to make him realize he should return calls and confirm
his intentions before going to play anywhere. He's the first person I ever fired at a funeral.
I recently attended the graveside service for one of our Veterans. As the service concluded with the 21 Gun Salute, it came time for "Taps" to be played. As the Honor Guard saluted the deceased and turned toward the Trumpeter, the trumpeter raised his instrument and nothing happened. You see, this was not a real trumpeter holding a real trumpet. It was a recorded song that was supposed to play out of a boom box that looked like a trumpet. When the fellow figured out how to turn the unit on, taps began playing with the trumpet being held under his arm facing backwards. It was a humorous moment in such a serious point of the service.
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