Funny Top Ten Lists

I just love lists.

Somehow, my name seems to always be on the S... List somewhere.

There's got to be some way to negotiate with the Keeper of that list.

This page will be overflowing with lists of almost everything.

Somewhere records are being kept for everything.

I'm just looking for the unusual, funny and ridiculous.

10 Things To Say When Called To The Office

1. "I'm gonna kill her."

2. "Shoot, They found the body."

3. "Where's my lawyer?"

4. "He's still alive?"

5. "They've got nothing on me."

6. "I thought I got rid of the evidence."

7. "I told him to hide the body in the boiler, not the shed."

8. "Crap."

9. "I didn't do it."

10. "Can they convict me on heresay?"

Top Ten Exam Answers

1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

2. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

3. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

4. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

10. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Top Ten Signs Your School Cafeteria Food is Lousy

1. You eat something that's actually pretty good, then realize it's the paper plate.

2. You cut your hand on the Jell-O.

3. The meat loaf comes with a chainsaw.

4. No one minded the school power outage because they didn't have to see what they were eating.

5. Even the teachers have food fights.

6. The coffee was ground this morning--literally.

7. Your hamburger has a tail.

8. The sponge cake is made of actual sponge.

9. Before you eat, you are required to sign a paper promising not to sue.

10. The kindergarten turtle looks pretty tasty compared to the cafeteria food.

Top Ten Murphy's Laws

1. If something can go wrong, it will.

2. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

3. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

4. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

5. The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

7. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

8. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

10. The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Other Laws

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

• Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

• He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

• She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.

• Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the high cost of living.

• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

• The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

• I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

• When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

•Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Top Ten "How-To" Written Assignments

1. How to survive a blind date.

2. How to cheat at Monopoly.

3. How to give your dog a pill.

4. How to cheat at poker.

5. How you can tell when you're drunk.

6. How do I fire my boss?

7. How to juggle.

8. How to carve a pumpkin.

9. How to dance the twist.

10. How to run away from home.

Top Ten Bernie Madoff Tips for Investing

10. It takes other peoples’ money to make money.

9. Buy stock in prisons.

8. Everything I know about investing I learned from Jim Cramer on CNBC’s “Mad Money”.

7. When the Feds come a knockin, start flushin’ the stock down.

6. Screw Amway, think Ponzi.

5. Avoid brokers with un-fortuitous names like Les Steele, Ben Had, or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

4. When SEC’s not looking, switch Invisible Hand with Invisible Monkey’s Paw.

3. Buy low, sell often.

2. Trade all shares labeled “Made in USA” for shares labeled “Owned by China”.

1. Send me a check for $10,000, and I will send you the real top ten tips.

Top Ten Things People Won't Say When They See Your Christian Bumper Sticker Or More Subtle Fish Symbol On Your Car:

10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians."

9. "Don't worry Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour."

8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters."

7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"

6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?"
"Son, that driver is a Christian and God probably protects him from getting arrested."
"Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that too?"

5. "Stay clear of those folks Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"

4. "Oh look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."

3. "No, that's not litter coming out of their windows Bert, it's probably gospel tracks for the road workers."

2. "Oh boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."

1. "Quick Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"

Top Ten Ways To Tick Off A Cop:

10. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

9. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

8. Refer to him by his first name.

7. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

6. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first."

5. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

4. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

3. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

2. Try to sell him your car.

1. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.

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