Funny Police Excuses

Ever been pulled over? The thought of getting a ticket can do strange things to you. Here's a great list of excuses given to the police officer as he greets the driver. You might be able to use some of these to get you OUT of your next moving violation.






Direct quote: "Officer, I don't know if it would make a difference to you, but we just got married, we were behind time because of the airport difference in time zones, that our plane was leaving very soon for our honeymoon in Miami."

One tourist from the East Coast was vacationing in Colorado and was stopped for speeding. When asked if she was aware that she was speeding she responded that her speedometer must not be working properly at the much higher elevation in Colorado, than where she lived in New York where it always worked properly.

Quote from one getting plowed: "I think you should go talk to the owners of that house they have alcohol all over in there, you shouldn't worry about me when they have enough drinks to get the whole town drunk." "Well their situation is a little different," replied the officer. Then my friend went off about equality and asked, "why?".... "Well son, that over there is a liquor store."

"I'm sorry officer for speeding, but without my glasses I can't hardly see the speedometer."

When the officer pulled the car over and asked the girl why she hadn't stopped, she told him she had just had her brakes repaired and it was so expensive that she didn't want to wear them down.

"My wife ran off with a state policeman and when I saw your flashing lights I didn't stop because for a second, I thought you might be the trooper who is trying to bring her back to me."

I keep a hubcap on the passenger seat of my van. If I get stopped, I tell the officer that it came off a car in front of me. Being the good Samaritan I am, I stopped to pick it up and was trying to catch back up with him to return it!

One day I was driving to school and I was late for classes. I was stopped by a Policeman that obviously worked the graveyard shift and said to me. "I've been waiting for you all day." To wit I replied. "I got here as fast as I could Officer!"

One night I pulled a speeder as they were coming into town over an overpass. She was 30 kilometers over the speed limit. When I told that she was speeding, she said of course she was. She was going downhill and had over a thousand pounds of dog food in her van. Needless to say gravity is not a justifiable excuse for speeding. But we learned in flight school that weight adds thrust.

"Sorry officer for throwing the beer cans out the window but I didn't want my wife to see how many that I have drunk."

"Oh, officer, I've been living in Germany for so many years now that I forgot how to read the signs in miles per hour. I sure am glad to be home and have someone remind me!"

Any way I pulled over and just by a reaction turned the dash lights only off on my car before the officer got to the window. When he finally arrived and asked me did I know that I was speeding , I convincingly pointed to my dash and explained, "I couldn't see my mph needle because the lights where out and I was too fresh of a driver to judge the actual speed yet."

"Officer, I saw your high beams and considered for a moment that you were a drunk driver, so I sped up to give you some room."

John Ferguson of North College Hill P.D. in Ohio, pulled a car for speeding and questioned the young lady why she wasn't wearing her seatbelt. She told him she was an exotic dancer and the seatbelt pinched her nipple rings and hurt.

I knew I was speeding, guilty of it, and I do believe about 14 miles over the speed limit. When a State Trooper coming at me spun around and pulled me over . I told her I was not watching how fast I was going, but that I was watching the road instead and did not know I was speeding till I seen her turn her flashing lights on.

"If you’re going to write a ticket out, please do so very quickly as I'm headed toward the nearest gas station, where I can get to the ladies room."

"My dog was neutered today and I have to get home and check him out."

"Ok lady, where's the fire?" The reply that got her out of the ticket? "Oh Officer, in your eyes!"

Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone.... "I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking"

Whenever I get pulled over for speeding, I just tell the officer that I was on my way to the hospital to have surgery. When he asks why, I just tell him that, "I'm going to have the lead taken out of my foot"!

Officer - Do you know why I stopped you ? Driver - Do I get a ticket if I guess right. Officer - You will still get a ticket. Driver - I don't want to play this game anymore.

I was leaving work and ran into a police roadblock. The officer said, I know you didn't think that a leaf over your expired inspection sticker would work. I told him that it had worked for the last nine months.

"Sorry, Officer, I know I was speeding, but I was trying to get to the gas station in a hurry before I ran out of gas!"

I told the patrolman that the front-end of my car was in really bad shape and couldn't help driving like that.

A friend of a friend of mine from New Jersey was caught speeding (80 mph) through Georgia. A state trooper pulled him over. Noticing the NJ license plate on his car, the trooper said (with a thick Southern drawl) "Son, NOBODY goes through Georgia at 80 miles per hour." Without thinking, the smart ass replies "General Sherman did."

Police officers hear plenty of excuses from people caught speeding. Once an officer stopped a woman for going 50 m.p.h. in a 25-m.p.h. zone. When he asked if she knew the speed limit, she answered correctly. Then he questioned why she was going so fast. "Oh, I just pulled out of the car wash," she said. "I was blow-drying my car."

When pulled over the cop asked my son, "Do you know what the speed limit is on the bridge?!". My son kept a straight face and replied, "No, I was going way too fast to see the sign".

"I’m sorry officer..I just got breast implants and wearing a seatbelt hurts."

When questioned by an angry police officer as to why I was speeding. I responded, "I was speeding because I did not see the radar."

The officer asked me if I knew how fast I was going. I replied that I honestly didn't know because my speedometer only went up to 120 mph, and I had gone beyond that. He told me he had clocked me running around 136 mph. I was impressed. Not bad for a four door family sedan.

Trooper Sam Winters pulled over a young man in Banner County who explained, "Officer I have a hot date tonight in Scottsbluff, and if you'd seen this girl, you'd be speeding too."

The cop asked me, "Do you know what to do when you see a yellow light?" My reply was "Yes., You go like hell cause It's gonna turn red".

A few years ago, I was pulled over for having expired tags on my car. When the officer asked me why I didn't get my tags renewed, I simply pointed to my newborn son in the back seat and told him that I had been rather busy lately!

"I'm sorry officer. I was going down the hill and didn't realize that my foot was still on the gas pedal causing me to speed."

I got pulled over once for driving a little on the not-so-sober side. The cop leaned down to my window and said, "Your eyes are a little glossy, have you been drinking?" To which I replied in a matter-of-fact tone, "Your eyes look a little glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

I was 8 months pregnant and had my other 2 kids fighting in the back seat of the car. A policeman pulled me over for an expired tag. I told him to just take me to jail, I needed the rest.

Oh, I know what happened, my brother told me that he had some really good tires for my old car here, but they were a little bit bigger than the old ones. That must have thrown off the cruise-control, because I had it set at 67 mph, like usual."

A woman slammed a pole between the drive thru lanes at the bank where I work. She was furious and complained that if the pole wasn't there she wouldn't have hit it.

When asked why I was speeding the only thing I could think of was "I was just trying to keep up with traffic". The Trooper responded in a sarcastic tone, "Keeping up with traffic? Traffic is way the hell back there."

Person to police officer after being pulled over for speeding: "I'm sorry officer, but I was trying to blow a leaf off my windshield".

I'm a police officer, I was working radar on a 40mph limit street when a car screamed by me doing 57mph. I stopped the car and the driver said, "I'm sorry officer, I'm in a hurry and my mind was going 90 miles an hour". I replied, "that's funny, your car was only doing 57mph, just 17 miles per hour over the limit."

"My car heater was not working properly, so I took some alcohol to make myself warmer."

It was very late one night on my way home from work. I knew that I was going 70 in a 25 but never expected a cop to be anywhere near. So, as I am rounding a turn I notice him hidden behind a carwash. I slammed on my brakes and knew I was done for. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw him creeping out of the parking lot. So I just pulled over right away. He never put his lights on. He comes up to my window and says is there something wrong? I said, "No officer I know I was flying and figured there was no chance in you not pulling me over so I figured' I would save you the trouble."

If you are female and get pulled over just tell the officer that it is that time of the month for you and your tampon is falling out and that you are running home to change it. It works almost every time for me.

"I had dropped a cigarette in my lap, and while lifting my butt up to retrieve it, I must have inadvertently pressed down on the gas pedal."

"Sorry, Officer, I know I was speeding. But I was trying to catch up to that red Ford (or whatever automobile that was a reasonable distance ahead of you) to alert him that his turn signals were not working!"

When I was 16, on a dare from my best friend, I drove to the mall and back in my birthday suit. Well, not exactly back, you see, on the way home I guess I was a little nervous and inadvertently ended up going 20 MPH over the posted speed limit. When I saw the flashing lights in my rear view mirror (no pun intended) I panicked and started to go even faster. When I realized that I was toast I pulled over to the side of the road, covering my manhood with an old newspaper I found laying on the floor. As the officer approached my window (NO GETTING OUT OF THE CAR FOR ME!), I had a real brainstorm. "Officer" I said in a cracking, teenage voice, "I was just robbed at gunpoint and the guy took my wallet, my watch and all my clothes. I was speeding to get to the nearest police precinct when all of sudden I realized that, dah, you ARE the police -- so I gladly pulled over". When the officer asked me why the robber wanted my clothes I responded, "Because they were his size I guess," and then I smiled weakly.

Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning.... "I was incredibly cold so I wanted to get home fast."

This is one my brother "the smart ass" used. One day it was raining real bad, and as he came up to a stop light he noticed a cop behind him. Being the person he is, he intentionally ran a red light. The police officer pulled him over and asked him if he knew why he was being stopped. My brother blatantly replied, "yep because I ran the red light." The officer asked him why he ran the red light and he responded, "Because I wanted to see you pull me over and get your paper-work all wet trying to write me a big ticket."

"I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are not other cars around, that's how far ahead they are!"

"Officer I wasn't really speeding but my air conditioner is broken and I was trying to fight off heat exhaustion by making a faster breeze. You wouldn't want me to pass out behind the wheel and cause a terrible accident would you?"

80 mph in a 55 mph zone. The officer pulled him over and approached the driver and asked if there was an emergency or a good reason he was speeding. He said that he guessed he was just trying to keep his ears warm. The officer must have looked puzzled, because he then explained that the only reason he could think of was that he must have had his head up his butt.

My friend was driving late at night and was stopped at a red light. He was waiting to make a left turn and got annoyed because he was the only one on the road, so he decided he would just make the turn and blow the light. It turns out that a cop was just pulling out of a parking lot near by and pulled him over. When the officer asked him why he went through the red light he said, "I didn't see a no left turn on red sign."

"Sorry officer I was leading in the Indianapolis 500, but I think I must have taken a wrong turn!"

I once got stopped by the police because I was going too fast. When the cop approached my window, I showed him my shoes and explained to him that they were platform shoes and were very heavy and it was because of the them that I was going fast because the shoes were pulling my foot down.

A few friends of mine and I had been out all night and suddenly got a craving for some Krispy Kreme donuts. Among the four of us, we managed to come up with barely enough to buy a dozen (we had just been to the mall and blown all of our paychecks). We had just pulled back on to I-264 (speed limit 55 mph) and were doing about 75. Being as we were trying to pry open the box, we didn't notice the Camaro sitting on the shoulder of the road. The policeman pulled us over and walked over to the window. Before he could say anything my friend said, "Good evening officer. Would you care for a donut?" The cop glared and didn't say one word. He just took the whole box from my friend, got back in to his car, and drove off. Needless to say we were relieved to have not gotten a ticket, but the guy could at least have left us a single donut.

My cousin got pulled over for speeding last year. She didn't want another ticket, so she told the officer, "Please don't write me a ticket. I have just escaped. I've been abducted by aliens!"

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"Oh I know, I ran out of beer about 2 miles back and I was in a hurry to get some more!"

My husband and I were driving through Maryland and he got pulled over for speeding. He told the officer it was because he had to pee really bad. He asked the police man to let him pull into the gas station to go pee while he wrote the ticket. The officer said yes but when we drove over to the station the officer just drove off!

One day I was driving with my kids in the back seat, going 70 in a 55 mph zone. I always warned my kids to warn me if they see any men in funny cars and funny suits. We called them bad men. That day we got pulled over and the officer came to my window. Just then my little girl spoke, "Is that the BAD man we're supposed to look for?"

Some one tried an understanding approach with Trooper Fred Bastron. Bastron stopped a woman for speeding in a Lincoln Continental. She explained with the car's 4.6 liter engine, it "just wants to go and go." Bastron said the engine was the same one his patrol car had. "Well, you know what I'm up against then," she said.

When you get pulled over for going through a red light say "I'm sorry officer, I thought it was a Christmas decoration."

"Officer, I have the flu and have been sick at both ends and am trying to make it home before I get sick again."

I was speeding back to work one morning because I had forgotten the breast milk I had pumped that day for my infant. I was in a school zone, no seat belt, expired tags on my car and had to of been driving at least 45 mph in a 25 zone. When the officer pulled me over and asked if I knew what was I was doing, I simply said "oh my gosh officer, I have a very upset breastfed newborn at the sitters, I am trying to get home to nurse him and just realized I left my milk that I pumped at work at work so I have to rush there to get it or he will starve tomorrow when I work, and now he is crying even more because I am delayed."

A woman I knew in college had just broken up with her boyfriend, was upset...angry and crying...and driving over 50 mph in a 25 mph zone. She was pulled over by a young policeman. As he walked up to her car, she leaned over the wheel, thinking quickly. He said, "What's the hurry?", looking at her tear-streaked face. She moaned: "I'm bleeding! I think I'm miscarrying! The emergency room doctor said to get there as fast as I can! Follow me, quick!"

Mam, why are you thanking me? She replied: It was they only way I knew to get tickets to the troopers Ball. Mam, he said, I can't get you any tickets because troopers don't have any balls.

The patrolman casually walked up to the window, shined his flashlight into our eyes and asked if we knew we were going 20 miles over the speed limit. My dad replied that he had just gotten new tires and didn't realize that he was speeding because the ride was so smooth.

The officer walked over and asked for my driver’s license and registration. I gave him the driver’s license but panicked when I couldn’t find the registration in the glove compartment. Finally I remembered that I had put it in my purse, and I fished around in my purse until I found the slip of paper with the seal of the state of California on it, and gave it to the officer. He looked at the registration, and he looked at me. Then he said, "Lady, I’ve been bribed before, but never like this!" It was my income tax refund from the California, and it was for a substantial 4 figure amount.

Ok here is my line I actually used being a blonde. "I'm sorry officer, but my blinker fluid ran out and my boyfriend told me not to use them."

"I was speeding to to get you to notice me so we could exchange numbers!"

An Elderly Gentleman driving in the wrong direction on a one way street was pulled by A Police Officer. The Officer exclaimed, Sir do you realize you're on a one way street? To which the Elderly Gentleman replied, "I sure do Officer and I'm only going one way."

"I'm sorry. I know I was speeding but I have to go to the bathroom sooo badly that I'm about to explode!" You could also add, "Do you know of a restroom really close by that I can get to in the next 60 seconds?"

The cop pulls him over, and says "Sir, do you know you are driving down the interstate the wrong way?" He says "How do you know? You don't know where I live!"

Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone says, "No speaka English". After receiving the ticket she murmurs, "You son of a *&^%$, you wrote me a ticket!"

I got pulled over one day for doing 80mph in a 60. The cop came up and told me how fast I was going and asked why. I replied, "Because I'm running late for work and if I don't make it there on time I will get fired!" I explained to him that if he was to keep me there to write me a ticket I would be late, get fired, wouldn't be able to pay the ticket, and wind up in jail.

"I was trying to get out of the ambulance's way when I hit the pedestrian on the sidewalk."

"I am coming from a party officer and how can I decline the offer to drink and let down the hosts."

My boyfriend and I were coming home very late one night and he was speeding (imagine that!!). Well of course a trooper pulled us over and asked him why he was going so fast. Without missing a beat my boyfriend told the trooper that we were trying to have a baby and I was ovulating, and asked him if he could hurry it up a bit.

"Hi officer, I am sorry that I was speeding, you see, my sister (whispering) thinks she is Queen Elizabeth and I was trying to take her to the mental hospital right up the street there. (audibly now) The Queen thought that I was driving too slow and so she told me to step on it. (whispering again) And believe me you don't want to tick off the Queen. ( Heard from the back seat) My good man what seems to be the trouble? Can't a Queen go out and about without being harassed? Don't you have some lowly peasant you could be bothering?

I have asthma, so I always make sure I have an empty inhaler stored in my glove box. That way when I get pulled over, I can make myself wheeze and explain to the police officer that the reason I was speeding, is because I needed to get to the drug store immediately to get a refill!

I was thinking that when I get pulled over I can scheme my way out of it using this excuse: As we all know the signs say, "speed limit." Well, a limit can be a maximum or a minimum. So for example when the please officer says, "Why were you driving 45 when the speed limit was 30?" I can reply with this clever retort, "I thought that meant that the minimum speed I could drive was 30. If you really wanted me to drive 30, then the sign should say 'maximum speed 30."

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car and the car in back of me."

"I know!! I was doing 55 in a 35 mph zone. I have been arguing with my teenage daughter and the more she talked the madder I got. So you going to write me up or what?"

When she asked for license and registration, he told her he didn't have his insurance. When she asked what his insurance provider's name was, he said, "I think it is, like, Blue Cross."

I was driving down the road and all of a sudden I was pulled over for speeding! He asked if I knew what the sign said back there and I said it said 85mph. The police officer said it said 65mph so I touched my face and whispered I don't have my glasses!

"Sorry, Officer, I didn''t realize my radar wasn''t plugged in."

I was driving a little too fast when a police officer forced me to stop. When he came to my window, I opened it (off course...) and asked him (I wanted to be funny) : "You haven't stopped me for the body in my trunk?" Suddenly he dragged me out of my car and demanded that I open my trunk. When he noticed that there wasn't a body in the trunk he pointed his gun at my head and kept asking "What did you do with the body?" It took me almost 15 minutes to convince him that I was just trying to be funny.

Patrol Sgt. Chuck Buckingham heard one of his favorites after pulling over someone going more than 70 mph. The driver claimed a grasshopper had landed on the windshield as the couple in the car left town, so they decided to see how fast they could go before the grasshopper blew off. During the stop, the grasshopper was still sitting on the windshield.

"I know I am speeding, my girlfriend is in labor at the hospital in Silsbee (about 30 miles away) and I want to be there before the baby is born. It’s my first kid".

I had to drive 45miles every day to work. I was doing 85 in a 55 area. I told him the truth. I was speeding cause my mom got home late to baby-sit my child so I could go to work and I was supposed to be there early cause I was bringing the meat to the work's potluck dinner 45 miles away.

This was told to me by a high school friend who was riding with his somewhat older (50 ish) aunt at the time. They got pulled over for speeding by a Texas State Trooper. My friend was on the passenger side in front. His aunt rolled down the window as the officer approached. The officer bent down slightly, looked into the car and said, "Are you aware that you were speeding?" She replied, "Oh, thank you, Officer" and...drove away!

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"What's that?" Thinking very quickly and not missing a beat, I looked him straight in the eye and replied..."Why Jerry, I'm surprised, I would have thought in your line of business you would have know what a radar detector looked like..." He shook his head and said "You know the only reason people have those things is to break the law!" I blinked and looked up at him so innocent like and said "Break the law? What are you talking about? This radar detector has saved my life! When I get real hungry I drive around, then when the radar detector goes off, it means I've found a grocery store! It keeps me from going hungry.”

A 19 year old male was speeding, when of course, a police officer, was on his tail, the 19 year old pulled over and when the police officer asked why he had been speeding, he replied, " I just had my car washed and I was trying to dry it."

My friend called and said he just saw my wife cheating on me, I gotta get to the house before the guy leaves!

I was speeding one morning on the way to school and got pulled over. The cop said, "I have been waiting all morning for you." I replied, " I'm sorry, I got here as fast as I could."

Upon interviewing the driver it was found that he did not have a drivers license. We placed him in the back of our patrol unit. I turned the rear view mirror so I could see the subject, a 16 year old kid. Then I asked him if he saw us turn around on him. He replied that he had. Then I asked him if he knew that it was a police car and he again replied yes. So I asked him why he was doing 92 mph. With a straight face he replied " I figured you wanted to race".

I actually was told this when I stopped a soldier in the Army while I was working Traffic as a MP. He was driving 45 miles per hr. in a 25 KM Zone and his headlights were off. At 3 AM. in the Military Housing area. He said " I was running out of gas and was afraid I would get in a accident without lights. I meant to get them fixed last week and I wanted to get to the Barracks before you did and I am late for bed." ( At the time we had a 12 Midnight curfew and you had to be in bed! )

Speeding through town, going 45mp through a 25mp zone. The state patrolman asked why I was speeding, and I told him that I was two months pregnant, and trying to make it to McDonalds down the street because I was sick.

I was driving home one night from a party, a little, well, should I say a lot inebriated and was pulled over. The police officer asked for the reasons I was driving so slow and with no head lights on. I told him that my car was bright enough with out my head lights on cause I didn't want to blind other drivers and that I was hiding from people that may recognize my car.

When a cop flashes you, you pull over. When he approaches, keep looking around nervously and check the mirrors frequently. Ask him (or her) if he saw the men in black suits two miles back. When (s)he denies it, point at him and shout, "You're one of them!! Oh GOD they found me!" And start confessing your sins to God. Assuming they let you get this far, get out of the car and kneel on the ground. Say "Kill me quickly."

A cop, stopped a man for speeding one night. He approached the car and asked, in his best Cop voice, "OK bud, where's the fire?" The speeder looked out the window at him and replied "Officer, my wife is getting pregnant and I want to be there when it happens!"

I was going home one night from work at 3:00 am when I ran a red light. The police pulled me over about 100 feet from the light and asked for my license. I asked him what I did wrong and he stated that that I ran the light. I turned and looked at the light and said that it didn't work. We were looking at the light change when he said, "What do you mean the lights not working". I said, " I didn't stop did I".

"Hurry up and give me the ticket! My baby messed her diaper and I ran out, so I'm on my way to the store to get some more."

When I walked up to the truck the driver was revving the engine really loud. I could hardly hear myself talk. He said that the only way his truck would drive without stalling is when it was kept at the speed between 65 and 75 mph.

She finally got past the line after getting her speed up to about 140 k.p.h. Just as she got by the line a police car meeting her put on his lights and pulled her over. He asked her if she knew what he was stopping her for and she said "No, not really". He said well for one thing you don't have a front license plate to which she responded. Well, I figured I was going fast enough that you wouldn't notice.

Late one night a woman was plowed and driving home when a police officer stopped her for speeding and running a red light. Once stopped he asked her what was she doing speeding through the light. The gal explained that she was glad to see him and that she was to drunk to realize that she was almost out of gas and when she reached this deserted road is when she realized it and decided she better get home, This isn't a time of night for a girl to run out of gas and be caught out by some pervert.

"Occifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!"

"Do you know you were doing 50 in a 25 mile an hour zone?" "Well, yes, officer, but I just need to go to the grocery store; I won't be out more than half an hour."

"NO really the parked car ran into me!"

I'm a police officer in Detroit, Mi. Several years ago I stopped a car for going the wrong way on a one way street. After talking to the driver who was obviously intoxicated I asked him if he saw the arrows, He said he didn't even see the Indians.”

As I'm pulled back into lane in front of her, I looked in my mirror and saw a State Trooper behind me.. Of course he flipped on his lights and pulled me over. The first thing I said to him, before he had a chance to say anything to me was, "I'm sorry Officer, I never would have done that if I had seen you were behind me".







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