Funny Halloween Jokes
Funny Halloween Jokes give you plenty of ammunition to tell the short or long joke as Halloween approaches.
What could be really scary is having one of these jokes being told by someone with no earthly idea how to deliver a joke.
Maybe it would make a difference if they were wearing a mask when telling the joke.
Dig in and use some of these for your next presentation or even when you're in the spotlight at work.
There's some here for any age too.
A black boy and his sister were out trick or treating.
They go to the first house and ring the bell, the door soon opens.
The owner asks "What are you two dressed as?"
The black boy says, "We're dressed as Jack and Jill."
"You can't be Jack and Jill, they are white.” the owner replied.
The children got their candy, thought about what they could say they were dressed as and went to the next house.
They rang the bell; the owner opened the door and asked them the same question the previous homeowner had asked.
The little girl replied, "We are dressed as Hansel and Gretel."
The owner told them they could not dress as Hansel and Gretel, since they were not white, like Hansel and Gretel.
The children thought long and hard about their dilemma as they moved to the next house.
The little boy came up with an idea and told his sister to take off her clothes.
Naked, they walked up to the door and rang the bell.
As the owner opened the door, the little boy piped up "We're dressed as Hershey bars, one with nuts, one without nuts."
A Brazilian, attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, was dancing with a tourist girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume.
Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.
"What the hell happened?" Asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.
"I'm not really sure." The man replied, rubbing his red cheek.
"When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. Shegot a terrible headache and told her husband to go to theparty alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but sheargued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go tobed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled bynot going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakenedwithout pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go tothe party. In as much as her husband did not know what hercostume was, she thought she would have some fun by watchingher husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavortingaround on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick hecould, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductivebabe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devotedhis time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he washer husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in herear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and wenthome and put the costume away and got into bed, wonderingwhat kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked whatkind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. Youknow I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some otherguys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure hada real good time!"
A young man wanted to go to the Saturday night costume party dressed as the Devil. He rented Costume 4, and totally looked the part.
He had a great time at the party, danced and drank all night and decided to head toward home around 5:30 am.
He got in his car and found his battery dead. No problem, Triple A is just a call away. No cell phone. It was on the kitchen table at his condo.
He decided to get some zzz's then use the phone in the local church just down the street. When the church bells rang 11:00 he headed over to borrow the phone.
He mistakenly walked into the Narthex wearing all his evil attire. The Pastor saw him, screamed and ran the other way out of the Sanctuary.
The Choir saw him next and followed suit, screaming and running as fast as their feet would take them.
Then the entire congregation caught sign of The Devil and started a stampede out the building.
An elderly man just as frightened as anyone found himself stuck on the end of a pew, his suspenders almost wrapping him into the pew with no chance of an exit.
As The Devil continued walking up the aisle toward the elderly man, the old man turned around and looked The Devil right in the face and said.
"Stop! You need to know something important. I've been a member of this church for 63 years now but I've been on your side the whole time."
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series oftests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Uponmaking several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decidedthe latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassedbeyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss ofcomposure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets,and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landedon him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his armsviolently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended upwith the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, ahospital security guard who watched the whole incidentwalked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied:
"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
It was mid-October and I was waiting for my wife, Julie, at the checkout at Walmart supermarket in Worcester, Massachusetts, USA, I noticed that someone had left behind their broom.
When no one came to claim it, I went outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier's desk. I spotted them getting into their truck and hurried over.
'Excuse me,' I said to the young woman, 'but did you by any chance leave your broom inside?'
'No,' she retorted quickly and with a smile, 'we came by truck.'
A man is walking home alone late on Halloween night.
It's dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, he hears
Behind him. He walks faster, but the sound keeps coming.
Worried he is being followed, he glances behind him and through the darkness, and he can just see an upright coffin.
No one seems to be holding the coffin; it's just bumping down the street behind him.
The man is scared. He's sure it's following him! In an effort to shake it off, her turns a corner. To his relief, the sound stops. He keeps walking but before a minute has passed, he hears the familiar sound behind him again:
He is terrified! He starts to run towards his home, but the faster he runs, the faster the coffin bounces along behind him!
He pushes open his front gate, and runs up the path, fumbling for his keys. The coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It's right behind him!
Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. He has no time to slam it behind him; the coffin is right on his heels! He rushes up the stairs, praying the coffin cannot climb after him.
The coffin pauses at the bottom of the stairs. The man breathes a sigh of relief but ...
The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind him. He runs to the bathroom perhaps he can lock himself in there! His heart pounds and his lungs hurt with the exertion of running for his life! He has only just latched the bathroom door when ...
The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!
What can he do? The coffin is nearly upon him! He reaches out for something heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup.
Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and
..........finally the coffin stops!
First Witch: "What are you doing?
Second Witch: "I am making a special Halloween potion that requires eye of a werewolf, gizzard of a ghoul, liver of a vampire, horn from a unicorn, and heart of a lawyer.
So far, I have everything I need except the heart of a lawyer."
First Witch: "Good luck!"
Little Johnny and his band of 9-year-old gang members dressed up like pirates this one Halloween.
They rang the doorbell of this really nice man and after yelling “trick or treat”, the nice man said directly to Little Johnny, “So, where are your buccaneers?”
Little Johnny in his usual tone said, “They’re on my buccan head you fool.”
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"
One dark night two men were walking home after a partyand decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your behind and go as a candied apple!"
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have. ?
The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred)
"I'll have a glass of O Positive."
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."
The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver.
I'll just have a glass of plasma."
"Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"
Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?”
Vampire 1: "I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died."
Vampire 2: "How awful!"
Vampire 1: "Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time."
What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man?
'Long time, no see!'
What do Italian's eat on Halloween?
What happened to the guy who didn't pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed.
What is a vampires favorite holiday?
What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A blood vessel.
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Why aren’t there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies.
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves.
Why do vampires drink blood?
Because coffee keeps them awake all day!
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Have You Got a Great Joke You Would Like to Share with Us?
We all would love to hear your best joke. Share it with all of us. If you'd like, I'll put a page together featuring YOU and your best jokes. Folks can find their own personal pages on YOUR PAGES off the Home page.