Drummer Jokes

I have several buddies who are drummers.....one who plays strictly for fun, one who does civic shows with his "Little Booger Band" and another who does tons of symphony and church gigs. They gave me the idea for this page.

I never realized that drummer jokes are told more by drummers than people telling the jokes about drummers.

Grab your thumb drive. You'll want to keep these handy to use when you're in the company of your musician friends and drummers too.






A drummer dies and goes to heaven. Outside the Pearly gates he's talking to St. Peter about the band.
"Who" askes the drummer "do you have playing here?"
"Everybody" says St. Peter, "We've got Billie Holliday, Ella and Bessie Smith sharing vocals, Duke Ellington and Count Basie on piano, the saxes you just wouldn't believe."
"So," askes the drummer, "who leads the band?"
St. Peter waits just a second before answering and replys, "Well, it's God of course, but occasionally he thinks He's John Dankworth".
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A drummer is playing a live gig, but keeps speeding up and slowing down. The singer is so fed up that he stops halfway through a song and shouts at the drummer "Do you know what TIME is?!" The drummer says "Sure. It's my favorite magazine."
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A drummer walks into the public library and tells the librarian: "I would like to order a hamburger, French fries, and a small root beer."
The librarian asks, "Don't you know where you are? This is a library!"
The drummer blushes and whispers, "Sorry.... I would like to order a hamburger, French fries, and a small root beer."
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Little Drummer Boy


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A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
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A drummer wanted to study music at music school. During his entrance exam the examiner played him the notes C and E, and then asked him to identify what he'd just heard. His confused expression showed that he had no idea what the interval was. He asked "Could I hear it again?...I'm not quite sure yet." The examiner played the notes again. "Hmmm I'm still not sure...one more time please." The examiner played the notes once more. The drummer's face lit up "I've got it!...It's a piano isn't it?!"
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A guitar player and a drummer were walking through a park one day. The guitar player said, "Hey look at that dog with one eye!" The drummer covers one eye and says, "Where?"
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A guy walks into a shop and tells the clerk, "I'll take a Fender Stratoblaster with an extra pack of nylong strings. The clerk says to him, "I take it you're a drummer?". The guys says, "Why yes, how did you know?". The clerk says, "This is a Travel Agency".
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A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"
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A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumor that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?"

Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.

A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?"

"No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone.

Ten minutes later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said.

She recognized his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.

Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked.

Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D., DEAD. Why do you keep calling me to ask for Buddy???!!!!"

The horn player replied, .."I just love hearing you say it."
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A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
"Bass solo."
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A man walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings."
The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?"
"I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings."
The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?"
"Yeah! How did you know man?"
"This is a fish and chip shop."
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Drummer Mime


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A man was looking for a new brain. He went to a brain surgeon and told him of his problem. The surgeon said, " I only have three brains left." The man said, " Well what's the cheapest?" The surgeon said, " I have a doctor's brain for cheap." The man said," We'll that's great, what else do you have?" The surgeon said, " I also have the brain of a rocket scientist, but that's just a little more pricy." The man replied, " Wow if you have the brain of a rocket scientist, the last one must be really smart." The surgeon said, " The most expensive one I have, is a drummer's brain." The man said, " Why is a drummer's brain so expensive?" The surgeon replied, " We'll because it's never been used before."
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A woman goes to the doctor, who has the results of a recent blood test;
Doc: "I'm sorry to say it's not good news, you only have 6 months to live."
Woman: "Oh Dear, that's terrible. What can I do?"
Doc: "Well, you could try marrying a drummer."
Woman: "Will that make me live longer?"
Doc: "No, it'll still be 6 months, but it will seem like a lot longer".
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A young drummer girl was walking along the street when she heard..
"Psst! Down here!"
She looked down and saw a frog sitting by the curb. The frog says to her, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you rich and famous!" She thought for a moment and reached down, grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
A woman standing nearby witnessing the whole event said, "What did you do that for?"
The girl replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!"
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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At the Orchestra one day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks.
After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven:
"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"
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Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.

The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.

"200,000" replies the first guest.

"Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics.

Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.

Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"

The new guest responds with "250".

"Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.

Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"

This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it "five".

"Well, that's great," says Bob, "what kind of drumsticks do you use?"
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Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break a window to get the drummer out!
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Did you hear about the drummer that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to figure out he could also play it at night.
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Did you hear about the drummer who got accepted to Yale?
Neither did I.
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Did you hear bout the drummer with lousy timing?
He could play the greatest solos, had the fastest hands and was all around brilliant, but his timing was awful.
He got chucked out of band after band, and gradually got really depressed.
Eventually he got so depressed, he threw himself behind a train.
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Did you hear about the drummer who lost his pet dog?
He didn't bother to put an ad in the newspaper... he says his dog can't read.
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Four drummers in a van went over a cliff and died. What was the real tragedy?
You can fit eight drummers in a van.
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"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
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Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.
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How about the drummer who kept getting fired for having bad time.
He became so depressed that he went to the railroad tracks and threw himself behind a train.
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Be patient and stay a bit with this video...The drummer will really get into his art.

Korean Drummer


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How do you call a drummer?
You can't. They don't pay their phone bill.
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How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
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How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?
Shoot one.
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How can you make a drummer slow down?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
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How can you make that drummer stop?
Put notes on it!
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How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.
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How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
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How can you tell if a drummer has been doing the crossword?
All the squares have been colored in.
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How can you tell when a drummer is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
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How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in.
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How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
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How do guitar players get away with parking in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.
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How do you confuse a drummer?
Give him a piece of sheet music.
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How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth?
Throw in a food stamp.
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How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
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How do you get a drummer to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
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How do you get a drummer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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How do you get a drummer to play quieter?
Put a chart in front of him.
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How do you get a drummer to stop drooling?
Tilt the stage!
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How do you get an elephant out of a 40 foot hole?
Lower a drummer into the hole and gross him out.
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How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
The bass player notices.
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How do you make a drummer a millionaire?
Give him a billion dollars.
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How can you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?
Take the Pizza sign off of it.
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How do you make a drummer’s eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in his ear.
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How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.
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How does a drummer braincell die?
Alone!!!
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How does a drummer know which way to put on his underwear?
Easy! Yellow in front, brown in back...
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How does a Nashville drummer count 7/4 time?
One, two, three, four, five, six, se, ven.
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How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
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How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.
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How many drummers can you fit in a phone booth?
None, "There's not enough room in there man!!"
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How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart coulda done it.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
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How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but only after asking "Why?"
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How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, don't they have protools for that?
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
100: 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.
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How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
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How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None.....They have drum machines to do that now.
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How many drummers does it take to wallpaper a room? Three, if you slice them thin enough!
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I once asked a drummer how to spell "Mississippi".
He said, "the river or the state?"
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If a hundred dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get to it first?

The drummer with bad time of course. The other three don't exist.
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If you drop a drum set and a watermelon off a tall building, which one will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
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"Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer."
His mother scoffs and replies...
"Well, you can't do both."
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Overheard: "Will the musicians please come to the stage. Oh, and the drummer too.
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So a drummer walks into a bar... man did that look like it hurt!
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So this guy goes into a store walks up to the counter and says "I'd like a Mashall HiWatt 360 watt ampflicator and a fender Geetar with the fried rose tremolo.
The guy stops him right there and says "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Uh, yeah. How did you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
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St. Peter was checking ID's at the pearly gates. He asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man replied, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "OK, go right through those two shiny gates to your left.
"Next person! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"OK, ..through those two gates and to the left.
"Next! ..And what did you do on Earth?" . "Oh, I was a musician."
"All right, go around to the back door, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen and..."
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The group I play with, I usually introduce the drummer as a multi-talented guy who is a drummer AND a musician!!
To which he follows with a ba bump.
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There is a bar with a bunch of drummers in it and they are all yelling "51 days, 51 days!" and more and more keep coming in, they are all ordering drinks and yelling "51 days! 51 days!" the bartender has a puzzled look on his face as more and more come into the bar and order more and more drinks and chant and chant.
Finally, the bartender asks one of the drummers why they are all celebrating and chanting"51 days! 51 days!" the drummer answers with, "well, we all just finished a puzzle in 51 days and the box said 2 to 4 years!"
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This girl hangs out for the whole gig and then tells the drummer
"Baby, I'll do anything you want, if you can say it in three words."
He is a little surprised, but then smiles and says
"Paint my house!"
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Two cowboys were waiting in their bunkers for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums.
One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums."
Just then, an Indian voice came over the hill,
"It's not our usual drummer!"
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Two drummers walk into a bar, which is actually kind of funny, because you would think that the second guy would have seen the first one do it.
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We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.
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What did the drummer say to the band leader?
Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?
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What do a drummer and a mosquito have in common?
They both suck!!!
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What do drummers usually eat at lunch?
Tomato soup and a drum roll.
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Little Drummer Boy


What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
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What do you call 10 guys in a drum circle?
A dope ring.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?
A tattoo.
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What do you call a bunch of kids with drums?
Jerry's Kids.
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What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start!
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What do you call a Drummer in a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinken.
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What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
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What do you call a drummer with a credit card?
Married .
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What do you call a drummer with a pager?
An optimist.
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What do you call a drummer with charm, personality, and charisma?
A guitar player!
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What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.
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What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Overqualified.
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What do you call a drummer with more than one brain cell?
Pregnant.
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What do you call a drummer with original ideas?

Unemployed.
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What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow?
A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion.
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What do you call a hot tub full of drummers?
Vegetable soup.
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What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
The poster child for Birth Control.
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What do you call a person surrounded by musicians?
A drummer, of course.
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What do you call a smart drummer?
A piano player.
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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
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What do you call the part of a gig when everyone goes to the bar?
The drum solo.
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What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer?
Back up.
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What do you get if you drop a drummer off the Leaning Tower of Pisa?
Applause.
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What do you do if you find a drum set in a trashcan?
Leave it.
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What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"
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What does a drummer do when he wakes up?
Puts on his pants and goes home.
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What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.
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What does it mean when a drummer is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.
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What is perfect pitch?
Tossing a drummer into a trash can without hitting the sides.
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What is the difference between a bad drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
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What is the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Drummer?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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What is the difference between a drummer and a chainsaw?
The chainsaw has dynamics.
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What is the difference between a drummer and a water faucet?
The faucet has a sense of rhythm.
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What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.
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What is the difference between an onion and a drummer?
Nobody cries if you chop up a drummer.
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What is the dynamic range of a drumset?
On and Off.
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What is the first thing to come out of a drummer's mouth when he speaks?
Drool
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What is the ultimate sincere compliment you can pay a drummer?
"Nice tooth."
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What has 24 legs and three teeth?
The front row at a drummer workshop.
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What should you call a drummer?
It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway.
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What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
Mildly retarded.
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What's the best protection the Secret Service could have against a Presidential assassination?
Make a drummer the Vice-President.
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What’s the best thing to play on a drum set?
Solitaire.
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What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
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What's the biggest lie told to a drummer?
Hang on a minute and I'll help you with your gear.
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What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the drums but doesn't.
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What’s the definition of "relative minor"?
The drummers girlfriend!!!
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What’s the difference between a bass drum and a snare drum?
The bass drum burns longer.
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What’s the difference between a dead drummer in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.
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What's the difference between a drummer and a bag of garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
____________________

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.
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What's the difference between a drummer and a percussionist.
"Oh, about three hundred dollars a week,"
____________________

What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.
____________________

What’s the difference between a drum set and a chainsaw?
You can pawn a chainsaw.
____________________

What’s the difference between a drum set and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
____________________

What's the difference between a high school drumline and shoes in a dryer?
Nothing.
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What's the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
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What's the first thing a drummer says when he moves to LA?
"Would you like fries with that sir?"
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What’s the ideal weight for a drummer?
Four and a half pounds including the urn.
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What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?”
____________________

What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
____________________

What's the similarity between a vacuum cleaner and a drum set?
There's usually a dirt bag on both of them.
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Where does one find the obituaries of drummers?
Under “Civic Improvements”.
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Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.
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Why are band breaks limited to only 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummer.
____________________

Why are drummers always losing their watches?
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.
____________________

Why are drummers steering wheels so small?
So they can drive with handcuffs on.
____________________

Why are drummers' sticks like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
____________________

Why are Viola jokes so short?
So drummers can remember them.
____________________

Why did the drummer move to L.A.?
Because it was easier to spell.
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Why did the drummer stare at the frozen juice can?
Because it said, "Concentrate".
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Why did the punk rock drummer cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
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Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!
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Why do drummer's carry trash in their back pockets?
For identification!
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Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the sh*t on the road.
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Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
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Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves during the parade.
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Why do drummers have lots of kids?
They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.
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Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.
____________________

Why is a dead possum in the road more tragic than a dead drummer?
The possum was on its way to a gig.
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Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep good time and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
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Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
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Why'd the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the drum solo.
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Some Famous Drummers


Bill Sargent


Allen Shellenberger


Buddy Rich


Art Blakey


Max Roach


Steve Gadd


Ray McKinley (Glenn Miller Orchestra)

I was very fortunate to have had the opportunity to play with and get to know Ray McKinley. When I was a graduate student at the University of Illinois, Ray compiled a Big Band that traveled with him throughout the Mid-West. My favorite gig was held in the Stouffers in St. Louis.

Louis Bellson


Gene Krupa


Ringo Starr


Billy Cobham


Tommy Lee







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