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Dave's Funny World, Issue #004, December 2010 "Merry Christmas To All"
December 12, 2010

Dave's Funny World-Issue 4
December 2010

"Merry Christmas To All"

Welcome to the December and Christmas Edition of "Dave's Funny World". Here's Christmas with a little different perspective.

My goal has always been to create laughs and help people be funny. Statistics state that we average laughing 14 times a day.

Are you getting your daily quota under your belt. I hope so. I'm hoping that some of your laughs are coming from

Please continue sharing the website with friends and encourage them to receive our monthly newsletter. Subscribers will get several sneak peeks of material on the planning table and some surprises too.

Funny Material For Any Audience

The website, newsletter and material being developed is aimed at helping anyone in their pursuit of being funny. People seem to laugh the hardest when their eyes and ears are fed together.

From the very beginning, set as its goal to house the largest supply of funny material under one roof. Anybody who had to entertain any group could put together a routine from this site.

I'm developing some products that will enable anyone to host a party, meeting, ceremony, etc. and offer entertainment without costing hundreds or thousands of dollars.

You, the readers, will get your hands on these first. I will probably need your feedback before they hit the marketplace. More to come on this endeavor later.

Table Of Contents

What's Brand New?

Funny Santa Pictures

Funny Christmas Jokes

Ways to Annoy Shoppers

A Different Version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas"

"Merry Christmas To All" Videos

Funny Santa Jokes

Funny Christmas Songs

Merry Christmas Around the World

Funny Santa Cartoons

Everyone Loves Santa

What's Brand New?

The Comedy Program, "Laugh With Dave" is still simmering on the back burner.

Some health issues have slowed me down to a pace I'm not used to. I'll be speaking with a specialist soon to determine the best testing route for me to go. I hope to be "my old self" in 2011.

I'll let you all know when I feel great again and "Laugh With Dave" will be coming to a stage near you.

Some Funny Santa Pictures

Cheaper than operating a sleigh with reindeer and the smell is no comparison.

"Listen, I can explain everything. The animal in front, Rudolph has been drinking. Don't believe a word he tells you."

"A little holiday cheer for everyone."

"He was a good and honest man who knew how to take care of us all on Christmas Day. What will we do without him?"

"Ho, Ho, Ho...Me and the reindeer gotta go!"

Funny Christmas Jokes

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."

After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas.

When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."

Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'"

It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.

Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink.

'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."

"Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed the door into the man's face.

He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.

"How could you be so mean and uncharitable." she said. "Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you."

Harry was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.

On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. "Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?

The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. "Over here thur, on the thwing."

Get many more of these at:

Funny Christmas Jokes.

Are you like me when it comes to Christmas Shopping? I hate the crowded parking lots and stores. But...sometimes you have to go find that special gift for that special someone. Here's a few ideas on making your shopping experience bearable and memorable at the same time.

Ways to Annoy Shoppers

Walking by someone, start singing a Barney song, when they join in, say "what a bunch of retards" and walk away.

Hide in the clothing racks. When someone starts searching through the clothes, jump up, saying, "Pick me!!!"

Walk around in the dishware and say to people as they examine cups and such, "Please don't touch that one. It is a very fine piece that I picked up in Volterra, Italy."

Walk up to an employee and in an official tone of voice say "We've got a code 3 in House wares". See what happens.

While looking at guns in the gun department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are.

When a someone gives an announcement, assume a fetal position and start screaming, "No, no! not the voices again!".

Lay on one of the bed displays with a rose and stare at everyone that walks by with a grin on your face.

Make a trail of Mountain Dew on the floor leading to the restrooms.

Go into one of the fitting rooms and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

There's tons more suggestions for you to consider on:

100 Ways to Annoy People at Walmart.

Need a different version of this Christmas Classic?

'Twas the Night Before Christmas Italian Style

Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mella,

Not a creature was stirrin',

Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof

I heard somethin' pound,

I sprung to da window,

To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my

Wanderin' eyes should appear,

But da Don of all elfs,

And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,

And a silk red suit,

don Christopher wuz here,

And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,

And a yank on dare manes,

He cursed and he shouted,

And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,

Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,

Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,

Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun

And hid by da bed,

He flew troo da winda

And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'

Pullin' a gun on da Don?

Now all you're gettin' is coal,

You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga

Right unda my nose,

He twisted his pinky ring,

And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,

Obscenities screamin',

Away dey all flew,

Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,

What I did least expect,

"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,

And yous better show some respect!"

Merry Christmas To All Videos

You must see the guy sing "O Holy Night". Nothing will ever be able to top this. Stay with him and be amazed.

Follow this link to the videos.

Merry Christmas To All Videos

For more Christmas Videos visit You-Can-Be-Funny's:

Funny Christmas Videos

Can't leave out the residents of Washington, D. C. and their holiday videos. Be sure and visit:

Political Christmas Videos.

Funny Santa Jokes

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

Santa and his reindeer landed on the top of an outhouse. As they skidded to a halt you could hear Santa holler out, "I SAID THE SCHMIDT HOUSE!"

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'

Need more Santa jokes? Get them at:
Santa Jokes.

Funny Christmas Songs

Sung to: "Deck the Halls"

Deck the malls this Christmas season,

fa la la la la, la la la la

Blow your cash for no good reason,

fa la la la la, la la la la

Push your charge card to it's limit

fa la la, la la la, la la la

Your check book now has nothing in it.

fa la la la la, la la la la.

Sung to: "Jingle Bells"

Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet.

Down the road I go, sliding all the way.

I need new piston rings. I need some new snow tires.

My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire!

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.

I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.

The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay.

Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

I went to IGA to get some Christmas cheer.

I just passed up my left front tire and it's gettin' hard to steer.

Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops.

I have to drag my swampers just to get the car to stop.

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.

I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.

The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay.

Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big, blue cloud of smoke.

People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke!

I have to get to Wal-Mart to pick up my layaway,

Cause Santa's comin' soon in his big, old, rusty sleigh!

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.

I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.

The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay.

Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusttttttttty Chevroooooooleeeeeet!

Sung to: "Winter Wonderland"

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',

From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',

I'm happy -- although

My boss let me go --

Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,

Unaware time is ticking,

There's beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!

Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"

With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;

I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,

Don't go out, don't pay taxes,

Who cares if someday, they drag me away?

I’m happily addicted to the Web

I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ily, ad-dict-ed to the Web!!!

See some videos and get lists of funny Christmas Songs at:

Funny Humorous Christmas Songs.

Merry Christmas Around the World

If you've got traveling plans coming up, those that will take you out of the country, you might need a few greeting from this list.

Albanian - Gezur Krislinjden / Gézuar Krishlindjet Vitin e Ri!

Brazilian - Feliz Natal e Prospero Ano Novo

Chinese - Mandarin - Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan

Dutch (Netherlands) - Prettig Kerstfeest

French - Joyeux Noël et heureuse année / Joyeux Noël et Bonne Année

German - Frohe Weihnachten / Frohe Weihnachten und ein glückliches neues Jahr / Frohe Festtage

Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka / Mele Kalikimake me ka Hauloi Makahiki hou

Italian - Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo / Buone Feste Natalizie / Buon Natale e felice Capodanno

Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia / Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i szczesliwego Nowego Roku

Russian - Pozdrevly ayu sprazdnikom Rozhdestva Khristova is Novim Godom

Spanish - Feliz Navidad y prospero Año Nuevo

Vietnamese - Mung Le Giang Sinh. Cung Chuc Tan Nien

More Merry Christmas greetings can be found at:

Merry Christmas Around The World

Funny Santa Cartoons

You can see the full set by going to:

Funny Santa Cartoons.

Everyone Loves Santa???

What percentage of all children were sat on Santa's lap to get their picture snapped and to give Mom and Dad some great clues as to what Santa would be bringing on Christmas Eve.?

Not all children perceived that this was supposed to be a "fun" experience.

I'm busy adding new material into every week. Here's a way to keep up on just what's new as it's added.

The Funny Material Blog will take you to what's just been uploaded.

I love hearing from you. If you have any suggestions, ideas to share or just want to say hello, send me a note via Contact Me.

If you enjoy the website and newsletter, please do me the honor of referring us to a friend or colleague. We're just getting started!

Until the January newsletter...

YOU can be funny!

"Merry Christmas To All" and "Have a Happy New Year"!

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