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Dave's Funny World, Issue #002, October 2010 "All Dressed Up"
October 16, 2010
Dave's Funny World-Issue 2
Welcome to the October and Halloween feature of "Dave's Funny World". Here's Halloween with a little different twist.
My goal has always been to create laughs and help people be funny. Statistics state that we average laughing 14 times a day.
Are you getting your daily quota under your belt. I hope so. I'm hoping that some of your laughs are coming from you-can-be-funny.com
Please continue sharing the website with friends and encourage them to receive our monthly newsletter. Subscribers will get several sneak peeks of material on the planning table and some surprises too.
Funny Material For Any Audience
The website, newsletter and material being developed is aimed at helping anyone in their pursuit of being funny. People seem to laugh the hardest when their eyes and ears are fed together.
From the very beginning, you-can-be-funny.com set as its goal to house the largest supply of funny material under one roof. Anybody who had to entertain any group could put together a routine from this site.
I'm developing some products that will enable anyone to host a party, meeting, ceremony, etc. and offer entertainment without costing hundreds or thousands of dollars.
You, the readers, will get your hands on these first. I will probably need your feedback before they hit the marketplace. More to come on this endeavor later.
Table Of Contents
What's Brand New?
Need A Costume Idea This Halloween
Obama Halloween Cartoon
Meet Dr. Wong
"All Dressed Up" Videos
Some Incredible Pictures
Why Men Should Not Take Messages
Gag Gift of the Month
Devil Costume Ideas
The Best Halloween Joke Ever!
Commentary: Ben Stein's Last Column
What's Brand New?
The Comedy Program, "Laugh With Dave" is rapidly approaching a launch. I met with an Attorney just this morning who specializes in Copyright and Intellectual Property. All legal issues must be ironed out before I can be turned loose.
Stay in touch with me. I'll get invitations out asap when I get a green light from my Attorney. He did laugh a little when the subject of Intellectual Property came up. I assured him it's in there somewhere and we'll find it eventually.
Change into this costume by using any phone booth if you can still find one.
"Thank you, thank you very much for inviting me to your party. I am still in the building."
"I'm so full I'm about to pop. Whatever you do, don't sit on me."
"Cupid, Cupid, my character begins with the letter C, not S."
"This is a practical costume. After the party, I go do my shopping at Walmart."
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves.
What do Italian's eat on Halloween?
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your behind and go as a candied apple!"
Top 10 Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
One dark night two men were walking home after a party
and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud."
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by
not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to
the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her
costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive
babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted
his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was
her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars
and had a little romp.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went
home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what
kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You
know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had
a real good time!"
Dr. Fu Kiu Wong
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
Videos are a huge part of Dave's Funny World. I've prepared a special page for this month's edition.
View this month's videos by going to:
Do you feel you have lightning-fast reaction speeds? Take this little test to see just how fast you really are. The results my surprise you.
Follow this link to the test.
Let's put the hilarity on the back burner for just a bit. When I saw these pictures I had to share them with you. These are some truly
My wife says that I'm not detailed enough. I get just part of the story. I need to listen more attentively.
Here's why men should not take messages for their wives.
With Halloween around the corner, here's a great costume if you'll be going to a dance party. You can be in the spotlight wearing this, and the hit of the party...no matter how good a dancer you are.
See if they have your size by going to:
Ballerina Gorilla Costume
Just in case you might want to dress up in a Devil costume for Halloween, here are some ideas.
For the ultimate Library or Stamp Collecting Club Fall Extravaganza.
For the costume party that pays big bucks for the best costumes, you might want one similar to this one.
If you will be tearing tickets at the local cinema, calling numbers at the local Bingo Emporium, or driving a limo for the local escort company, you might want to rent this costume.
Or you might want to scare the fire out of everyone you come in contact with. Order this one if you're really serious and need to be identified as The Devil.
The Best Halloween Joke Ever
A young man wanted to go to the Saturday night costume party dressed as the Devil. He rented Costume 4, and totally looked the part.
He had a great time at the party, danced and drank all night and decided to head toward home around 5:30 am.
He got in his car and found his battery dead. No problem, Triple A is just a call away. No cell phone. It was on the kitchen table at his condo.
He decided to get some zzz's then use the phone in the local church just down the street. When the church bells rang 11:00 he headed over to borrow the phone.
He mistakenly walked into the Narthex wearing all his evil attire. The Pastor saw him, screamed and ran the other way out of the Sanctuary.
The Choir saw him next and followed suit, screaming and running as fast as their feet would take them.
Then the entire congregation caught sign of The Devil and started a stampede out the building.
An elderly man just as frightened as anyone found himself stuck on the end of a pew, his suspenders almost wrapping him into the pew with no chance of an exit.
As The Devil continued walking up the aisle toward the elderly man, the old man turned around and looked The Devil right in the face and said.
"Stop! You need to know something important. I've been a member of this church for 63 years now but I've been on your side the whole time."
I felt that I needed to wrap things up this month by bringing us all back to the reality table. This takes just a few minutes to read but is well worth what you'll get out of it.
For many years Ben Stein has written a biweekly column called ''Monday Night At Morton's.'' (Morton's is a famous chain of Steakhouses known to be frequented by movie stars and famous people from around the globe.) Now, Ben is terminating the column to move on to other things in his life.
Ben Stein's Last Column...
How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?
As I begin to write this, I 'slug' it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is 'eonline FINAL,' and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.
It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.
Beyond that, a bigger change has happened..? I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.
How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a 'star' we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.
They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit , Iraq . He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.
A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad . He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.
A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad .
The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.
We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.
I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.
There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.
Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.
I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.
But, I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.
This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York . I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.
Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
By Ben Stein
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