Cop Jokes feature our Men in Blue in humorous situations. Everyone is involved, from blondes, the State Patrol to the elderly and our teenagers. This page jabs at them, but I'm proud of the job all the Officers do in our town.
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On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
____________________These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7 "Fair, You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours...so you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS...
1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.
"Head on curb."
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Homer gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
"Now Homer", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Homer whispered, "I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues.
What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walk s to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridgeand ran out of gas.
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic.
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer.""Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, maybe your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.'
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
____________________Ten Things To Say When A Cop Pulls You Over
10. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
9. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
8. You must have been doing 125 to keep up with me.....good job.
7. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and ot lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
1. I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
____________________How Do You Know When A Cop Needs A Vacation?
10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids
.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!
A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well, why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?"
A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"
COP: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.”
A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded,
"Troopers don't have balls, ma'am."
After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police."
Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.
A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
____________________Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You
10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all of his fellow inmates.
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area
. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
How many cop jokes are there? Just two, all the rest are true!
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.They place animal informants throughout the forest.They question all plant and mineral witnesses.After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."
"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said "about ten gallons."
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act.’
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000.
This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000.
Here we have a policeman's brain as well.
It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
Bob, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?"Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 35?"
"SIXTY-SEVEN mph, son!" 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!
"The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the heck do you do with a six foot @$$hole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.
One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes.
"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead.
It couldn't have been worse!!"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.
"You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.
"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.
"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."
How does an LA policeman go fishing?
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding...
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation.
All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."
And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
A couple of kids in the South get pulled over for speeding. When the trooper approaches the car, the driver says 'What's the problem, sir?'.
The trooper takes out his machined aluminum flashlight and whacks the kid across the head saying 'You don't speak to a state trooper unless you're spoken to'.
The trooper writes out the citation and gives it to the driver who responds 'Thanks a lot'.
The trooper again gives the kid a dose of the flashlight and says 'When you address a state trooper, you finish your sentence with the word sir'.
He then walks over to the passenger side and whacks the other kid with the flashlight.The kid says 'What was that for, sir?'
The trooper says 'I was just fulfilling your wish.
Y'all wouldn't have gotten 100 yards down this road before you'd have said to your friend, "I wish he'd have hit me with that flashlight", so I fulfilled your wish.'
Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station.
There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
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