Conductor Jokes

Conductor Jokes nail the guy or gal that follows the herd of musicians called a choir or an orchestra.

These musicians have to have an incredible memory, not only to remember the score, but what they have said to whom about another player.

Long flowing hair and black glaring eyes seem to help get these folks into jobs quicker than the average Joe.

These characters are unique and have the personalities, desire and stamina to prove it to you.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, “Watch where you are going. Can’t you see that I am blind?” The snake replied. “No. I can’t see that you are blind because I am blind myself.” Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. “Why don’t we feel each other and guess what the other is?” The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, “Let’s see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit.” “Very good,” said the rabbit. “Now it’s my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless, and have no ears. You must be a conductor”

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?

The conductor. Business before pleasure.

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.

"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"

"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."

"And the other?" said the customer.

"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."

"Holy moly! What does that one do?"

"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

A man and a little boy were walking through a cemetery when the boy said, “Look, Daddy, here’s a grave where two people are buried!” Puzzled, the father looked down at the gravestone marker, and sure enough, the marker read, “Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man.”

A musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of the percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director cried in frustration,

"When a musician can’t handle their instrument, they give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"

A whisper was heard from the percussion section:

"And if he can’t handle that, they remove one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

A musician arrived at the pearly gates.

"What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter.

"I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra".

"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal."

So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?"

"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.

The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"

A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor.

"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!"

The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him.

"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.

Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.

An often-told anecdote related how von Karajan got into a taxi at an airport and, when the driver asked him where he wanted to go, he replied that it didn't matter; people wanted him everywhere.

Did you hear about the band director who got zapped by electricity?

Yeah, he must have been a good conductor!

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?

The good news: it crashed.

The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

Five minutes before a concert, the manager is running around in hysterics. "We can't find the conductor!" he cries. Running out to the audience, he asks if anyone can conduct. No one. He runs out to the street and asks again. No one. Finally, in a last desperate attempt, he runs to the alley where he finds a dog, a cat, and a horse. "Can any of you conduct?" he asks. "I don't know," they replied, "But we'll give it a try." Each gives it a try starting with the cat, but he just can't seem to get his ears to twitch in time. Then the dog gives it a try, but he can't seem to wag his tail in time either. Finally, the horse tries. "Perfect, that's perfect!" the manager cries, "Come, quickly!" "You don't think the orchestra will mind?" the horse asks.

"Trust me," the manager says, "They'll never know the difference!"

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

How do certain conductors choose a principal flute player?

Well, it helps if she has big breaths.

How do concert bands pay the conductor?

According to scale.

How do you get a conductor down out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

How do you stop a conductor from drowning?

Take your foot off of his head.

How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but then again, who's really watching?

If Hitler, Stalin and a conductor all walked into the room in which you were standing, and you had a gun but only two bullets, who would you shoot first?

The conductor...twice.

If you throw a conductor and a violist off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?

Who cares?

It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.

None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.

He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.

The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"

So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.

"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.

"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.

"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"

The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as “strings”. Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as “percussionists”. Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn’t even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.

Karajan goes to the undertaker and wants to look at coffins -- something simple and economical, please. The undertaker interprets this in his own way and shows various models of fine material and elegant design, each of which is rejected. Finally the conductor insists on being shown simple wooden coffins and selects one. Undertaker, pained: "But tell me, Herr von Karajan, why, for such an important occasion, should you economize?"

Karajan, calm: "And why should I spend a fortune when I'm only staying three days?"

Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!"

Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"

Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizing profusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there."

"Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way."

A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, "This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?"

"Why, no," said the rabbit. "Go right ahead."

So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, "MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit."

"Why, that's right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?"

"Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.

The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!"

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer’s sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: “Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I’m a Conductor!”

One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see… and he was happy.

As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk… and he was happy.

Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man said, “Lord I’m a high school band director.”

And the Lord sat down and cried with him.

The cellists were having a hard time with a section of one of the pieces we were learning, so the conductor said we could rest a bit while he worked on it with them. They played it more slowly, but still they were all over the place. So he put down his baton and clapped the rhythm for them, alone a couple of times, then he invited them to play while he clapped. Gradually he got them together, so he resumed conducting, first with his hands, then was able to change to using his baton. After a couple more run-throughs, he got them up to something approaching the target speed and I have to say it was beginning to sound great.

He turned to all of us and said "What we have been doing here is called practising - please all of you try to find some time to do this at home!"

The Conductor of a major symphony orchestra pulled aside the Concertmaster immediately after the annual Christmas party.

"I notice that the orchestra didn't get me a Christmas gift this year, " said the Conductor.

"Well, maestro, we noticed that you never used the gift we gave you last year."

"I forget," said the Conductor. "What was last year's gift?"

"Maestro, it was a Cemetery Plot."

The late Herbert von Karajan and his wife enter a hotel room:

She - My god, it is cold in here.

HvK - But, liebchen, when we are in private, you can call me Herbert.

The orchestra conductor had become ill just 15 minutes before the concert was to begin. The manager asked around if anybody could conduct the evening's program and was delighted when the second cellist volunteered. The cellist knew all the works and didn't even need a score for Brahms' third. At the end of the concert the orchestra was pleased, the manager was pleased, and they ended up asking the cellist to conduct for the next three weeks while the regular maestro recuperated from an emergency appendectomy. The three weeks went by quickly and soon the maestro was back on the podium. When the second cellist took his customary seat beside the violas, Sam, the principal violist, leaned over to him and asked, "Where the hell have you been for the last three weeks?"

The world's worst conductor was conducting a rehearsal. Halfway through he was directing with wild abandon when his baton flew out of his hand and embedded itself in the eye of a hapless flute player instantly killing her. The police arrived shortly after and ruled the death an accident.

The following week, he lost control of his baton again; it skewered the principal oboist this time, immediately killing him. The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident.

The following week at rehearsal the conductor once again was lost in the music when surprise surprise out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting the third trumpet player, killing him stone dead. The police would not believe that the third death was an accident, and they arrested him.

The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the executioner threw the switch, but nothing happened. Again he threw the switch and nothing happened. The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the executioner explain what the problem was.

To which the he shrugged and said... "Well, everyone knows he's a bad conductor"

There was once a terribly egotistical conductor, who had no qualms about telling everyone how good he was. "I'm the world's best conductor," was his way of introducing himself. One day he heard of another conductor who was reputed to be even better, and in a fit of rage, he murdered the other fellow. In his rage, he was careless, and the police immediately caught him. He was tried, found guilty, and sentenced to die for his crime. On the day of his execution, they asked him if he had any last words of remorse. "Ha," he said, "I'm the world's best conductor!" So they strapped him into the electric chair and applied the power. But to their surprise, he just sat there, humming to himself. Baffled, they adjusted the power and tried, again and again, to electrocute him. Finally in disgust, the man explained, "You fools, you can't electrocute me -- I told you, I'm the world's best conductor!"

What do all great conductors have in common?

They're all dead.

What do you call 20 conductors at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What do you do with a horn player that can't play?

Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.

What do you do if he can't do that?

Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

What do you do with a bad conductor?

Stand next to him in a thunderstorm.

What do you do with someone who's too stupid to play an instrument?

Give them two sticks and make them a percussionist.

What do you do with someone who's too stupid to handle two sticks?

Take away one of the sticks and make them a conductor!

What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?

Not enough concrete.

What do you need when you have a conductor up to his neck in quicksand?

More quicksand.

What is a conductor, really?

Someone who can follow many people at once.

What is a difference between a conductor and a horn player?


What is the difference between a conductor and a chimpanzee?

It has been scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

What is the difference between an orchestra and a freight train?

A freight train needs a conductor!

What is the ideal weight for a conductor?

About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

What's brown and black and looks good on a conductor?

A Doberman.

What's the definition of accelerando?

The conductor turning over two pages at once .

What's the definition of an assistant conductor?

A mouse trying to become a rat.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?

The sack.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of manure?

The sack.

What’s the difference between a conductor and a savings bond?

Over time, one matures and makes money.

What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?

The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.

What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a Ford dealer and a conductor?

The Ford dealer could find a decent Tempo.

What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?

There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

What's the difference between a sports writer and a conductor?

The sports writer knows the score.

What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr. Scholl's footpads?

Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?

Some conductors actually read Greek.

What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?

A baby sucks its fingers.

What's the difference between God and a conductor?

God knows He's not a conductor.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?

They've had so little use.

Why do conductors hate morning gigs?

They have to wake up and face the music.

Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet into the earth?

Because deep down he was a nice guy.

Why is a conductor like a condom?

It's safer with one, but more fun without.

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