Blonde in Library
During a recent password audit at a local business, it was found that a employee [with blonde hair] was using the following password:
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?'
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?'
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks,
'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?'
'Oh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: Because they always forget the recipe.
Q: How does a blonde order a root beer?
A: Extra large, hold the roots.
Q: What do you call a blonde at university?
A: A visitor.
She was so blonde, she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
Q .. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A .. Knock on the door.
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."
Curiously, not all blonde jokes show them as dumb...
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.
A cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
'You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license, and the next day you ask me to show it."
A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blonde's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"
A blonde was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught on fire. So she called 911 and said, "My kitchen is on fire!"
They asked, "How do we get there?"
The blonde said, "Well, DUH, the big red truck!"
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
Blonde On Dating Game
Why are blonde jokes so short?
... So men can remember them
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
Q .. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A .. The instructions stated, " holds up to 20 pounds".
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! Okay, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
One day, a blonde was skipping on some train tracks singing "21, 21, 21, 21,...''''
Along came a blonde who thought it looked like fun.
So she joined in and started singing "21, 21, 21, 21," and then a train came.
The brunette jumped off the tracks but the train ran over the blonde.
The brunette got back on the train tracks and started singing "22, 22, 22, 22,..."
What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer.
A hula hoop with a nail in it.
Q. Why does a blonde smile in a lightning storm?
A. They think their getting their picture taken.
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Brandi again prays, "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!" But Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
One again Brandi prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order!" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
She’s so blonde it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
She’s so blonde if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.
It is great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.
- Pamela Anderson
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
80,000 Blondes gathered at Yankee Stadium for a "Blondes-Are-Not-So-Dumb" convention. The master of ceremonies says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not so dumb. Can I have a volunteer?" One pretty little blonde steps up, so the master of ceremonies asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "18." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
The master of ceremonies says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here along with media from all over the world, I guess we can give her another chance." So, asks her, "What is 5 plus 5?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "90."
The master of ceremonies sighs. Everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying. Again, the 80,000 girls start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." Unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, the master of ceremonies finally says, "Okay! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "4."
The stadium of 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
A blonde calls the police to report that thieves have been in her car. She tells them, "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" But before the police can start investigating it, the phone rings again. It's the blonde - tells the police, "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.
The blonde asked, "Are you going to set it on fire?"
Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: A Frosted Flake.
A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
Ice Cube Mix
Fire Proof Matches
Reversible Sandwich Bread
Black Light Bulb
Garage Door Closer
Cordless Cell Phone
Disposable Garbage Bags
How do a blonde's brain cells die?
Q .. What stops then goes then stops then goes?
A .. A blonde at a blinking red light.
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the provincial capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the provincial capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Ontario?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's "O"!"
She’s so blonde she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
Q .. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A .. A blonde parade.
How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
She’s so blonde she studied for a blood test and failed.
Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier..........
Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
The other blonde replies, "You are on the other side!"
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'". He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without hesitation, she gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Montreal."
She’s so blonde she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''
She’s so blonde she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
I don't really think about anything too much. I live in the present. I move on.I don't think about what happened yesterday. If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out.
- Pamela Anderson
She’s so blonde under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
She’s so blonde she took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.
She’s so blonde she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see ''Closed for the Winter''.
She’s so blonde she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
Q .. What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A .. They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
A blonde's redhead decides to show her a neat way to trick people -- you put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it. But before they do, you pull your hand away!
"That is a neat trick," thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it, but isn't all too successful. Despite this, she decides to try it out on her blonde friend.
"Okay," she says, "I'm going to put my hand in front of my face..."
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
She’s so blonde she thought a quarterback was a refund.
At work, a blonde notices her that cubicle mate has a thermos.
She asks him what it's for, and he responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her cube mate asks, "What do you have in it?"
The blonde says, "Soup and ice cream."
She’s so blonde she misspells I.Q.
Q: Why do ya reckon Blondes don't have elevator jobs?
A: Because they have no idea of the route.
She’s so blonde at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she wrote "Sagittarius".
Q: What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake?
A: Must be an earthquake.
A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears: “Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."
Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: "Hoooooney, I want to go to Miaaami!"
She’s so blonde she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center and Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
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