Christian Clean Jokes
Christian Clean Jokes poke fun at the way churches do business.
Church members can get caught up so easily in the good intention lane.
Get a glimpse of who we are by reading our signs out front.
Consider this joke book for your collection!
Why would people look at us as hypocrites? Here's a clue.......
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
Sarah hadn’t been to church lately, so her minister thought he’d go pay her a visit and see how the 85 year old church matriarch was doing. He knocked on her door and after a time he heard her spirited voice hollerA little boy was attending his first wedding.After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.“How do you know that?”“Easy,” the little boy said.“All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
_______________Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.
Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbor's thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, 'Johnny what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”“Oh,” she paused, “grandpa, did God make me too?”“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
_______________Christian Pick-up Lines
1) Nice bible.
2) I would like to pray with you.
3) You know Jesus? Me too.
4) God told me to come talk to you.
5) I know a church where we could go and talk.
6) How about a hug, sister?
7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.
9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11
10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12) I am here for you.
13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," how about dinner?
14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?
16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do."
19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.
23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.
24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.
A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister.Presently, it was returned to him...embarrassingly empty.Slowly, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then, raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
_______________ Letters to the Pastor
The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?” “No sir,” little Johnny replies, I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.”
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages. 'Momma, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: 'I think it's Adam's suit!'
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
_______________Inspiring Music At Church
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem."
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, “I descend into hell!”A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:“Hallelujah! Hell is full!”
_______________Top Reasons For Joining The Church Choir
You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.
The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.
You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.
The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.
For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.
You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.
The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon." "Well then, how come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon."How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.“The Flight to Egypt,” was his reply.Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?”“Oh, that’s Pontius - the pilot.
A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,“Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
_______________You Might be a Southern Baptist...
...if you think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.
...if you think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.
...if you think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.
...if the first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before."
...if you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
...if your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.
...if you ever wonder when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will be paid off.
...if you honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English
...if you think worship service music has to be loud.
...if you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
...if you think preachers who wear robes are in Cahoots with the communists.
...if you judge the quality of a service by the length of the service.
And finally, if you ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach, you might be a Southern Baptist.
The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."
After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring from.After a short hesitation, he replied,"I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together during church services. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. 'You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.' 'Why? Who's going to stop me?' Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, 'See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.'
Preacher: “How come I never see you in church anymore, Morris?”Morris: “There are too many hypocrites there, Reverend.”Preacher: “Don't worry, Morris; there's always room for one more.”
A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
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