Cello Jokes offer up some good, funny moments in the life of any cellist.
Those who play cello, harp and bass in the orchestra all tie for the most inconvenient instrument to transport award.
If you're a gal and play cello, it greatly reduces the amount of time you can accumulate in really short skirts.
The cellist should go ahead and admit that they are a member of the funny group of humans called musicians.
A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.
As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.
The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!"
The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed cellists."
A cello player decides that he's had enough of being a cello player -- unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments.
He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a violin."
The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a cello player."
The cello player is astonished, and says, "Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?"
"Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop."
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of cellists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one cellist every hour.
A noted bon vivant and comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great cellist joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a cellist".
"That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!"
A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the cellists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the cellist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "Cello left hand, bow right."
A conductor and a cellist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair cellist.
The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said.
"No problem," replied the cellist.
"There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold."
"I know. It'll be all right."
The cellist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the cellist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.
At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the cellist took his place at the back of the cello section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"
Did you hear about the cellist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Did you hear about the cellist who played in tune?
Neither did I.
How can you tell when a cellist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write 'pp, espressivo'.
How do you get a cello to play in tune?
Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.
How do you get a violin to sound like a cello?
Sit in the back and don't play.
Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a cello case.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
How do you stop a cellist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How do you transcribe a violin piece for cello?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
How is lightning like a cellist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
One day Timmy came home from school very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!"
His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a cellist."
The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"
"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a cellist."
On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a cellist?"
"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 26 years old."
Once there was a cellist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The cellist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal cellist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the cellist awoke, he found he was now the principal cellist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the cellist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
What do a cello and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What do a SCUD missile and a cello player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.
What do you call a bunch of cellists in a hot tub?
What does a cellist do when he`s playing?
He is going into depression.
What does a cellist do when he`s not playing?
Nothing, he has depression.
What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
What is the main requirement at the "International Cello Competition?"
Hold the cello from memory.
What is the range of a cello?
As far as you can kick it.
What's perfect pitch?
When you throw a cello in the toilet without hitting the rim.
What's the difference between a cello and a bass?
The bass just makes a bigger keg.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed cello in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
What's the difference between a viola and a cello?
A cello burns longer.
What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
The cello burns longer.
The cello holds more beer.
You can tune the violin.
What's the difference between a washing machine and a cellist?
What's the difference between the first and last desk of a cello section?
Half a measure.
What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by cello recitals.
Why are cellos so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the cellos are large; just that the cello players' heads are so small.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Why can't a cellist play with a knife in his back?
Because he can't lean back in his chair.
Why can't you hear a cello on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Why did the cellist get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.
Why did the cellist marry the accordion player?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the cello recital.
Why do cellists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
Why do cellists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
Why do cellists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the cello?
It saves time.
Why don't cellists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
Why is a cello larger than a violin?
It's not -- the violinist's head is bigger.
Why is a cello solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Why is playing the cello like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a minivan with three cellos in it?
You could fit in at least one more.
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