Banjo Jokes

Banjo Jokes make it very obvious what pickin' and grinin' is all about.

These players are unique in nature and musical ability.

Alot of fun is poked at banjo players but they always get the last laugh when the high browed listener wants to actually hear a version of "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" or "Dueling Banjos."

Here's a long list of jokes about the special people who admit to playing the banjo and are proud of it.





A banjo player, an accordion player, and a politician jump off the Eifel Tower, who gets saved first?

We all do!
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A banjo player and a guitar player both fall at the same time from a balcony in the top of a skyscraper.

Which one hit the ground first? The guitar player-the banjo player will have to stop and retune at least once on the way down.
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A banjo player goes to his class reunion and meets up with the smartest kid in his class, "Hi, how are you doing? What have you been up to?" he says. "I'm doing experimental brain research at the Salk Institute," replies the smart kid. Then, our hero sees another classmate of his, who never was very smart. He walks over to him and says, "Elroy! How are you doing? I've been meaning to ask you, What kind of picks are you using these days?
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A banjo player is sorta like an appendix: They can both be a big pain sometimes; you don't miss them when they're gone; & no one's figured out what good they are.
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A banjo player leaves his banjo on view in the back of his car. On his return he was unhappy to find his rear window smashed in and TWO banjos in the back seat!
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A banjo player walked into a bar…another banjo player walked into the bar…you'd think the second banjo player would have seen what happened to the first banjo player and ducked! [Under the bar.]
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A banjo player was sitting with a bunch of friends in a bar in the Bronx one night back there in the twenties, when someone came around taking up a collection to pay the funeral expenses of an impoverished accordionist. The banjo player didn't happen to hear what the collection was about, and when the cigar box came around to him, he asked the man next to him what it was for. "Oh, they want a dollar to bury a box-player," he was told. The banjo player dug a bill out of his pocket. "Here's two dollars," he said, "bury two of them."
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A banjo player was so poor he couldn't afford lessons so his friends chipped in and got him banjo lessons for his birthday. They sent the greatest banjo teacher that every lived to his house. The teacher knocked on the door and the guy answered. "I'm here to give you Super Playing Abilities!" Said the banjo teach. "I'll take the soup, I haven't had dinner yet..." said the banjo player.
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A banjo player went running up to a cop and said, "Arrest that kid, he just changed one of my tuning pegs." Cop said, "Oh, come on, you can fix that." Banjo player says, "Maybe, but he won't tell me which one!"
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A banjo player wins the lottery: "Will all this newly acquired wealth change your life in any way?" "Nope, I'm gonna keep playing gigs until the money runs out."
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A beautiful maiden is talking a stroll around the castle when she hears, "Hey! Down here!" Looking around, she sees a small frog down by the moat and picks it up. "Hi-I'm really a banjo player but an evil witch has put a spell on me and turned me into a frog. If you would kiss me I can return to my normal self and we can live happily ever after..." The beautiful maiden smiles and puts the frog in her purse. "Hey! Aren't you going to kiss me?" shouts the frog. "No way-a talking frog is worth a lot more than a banjo player!"
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A bluegrass band arrives early for their concert. The banjo player jumps right up on the stage and begins his tuning ritual. Ever so carefully he adjusts his tuning pegs to the flashing lights on his high-tech "TV set" digital electronic tuner that he has his banjo plugged in to. An hour later, he takes a five minute break when the pizza arrives, quickly returning to his banjo to continue tuning.

A passing stage hand asks the banjo player, "How come you spend so much time tuning? The last band that played here showed up five minutes before the show, tuned up, and started playing. Why do you spend so much time with that high tech tuner?" "Well," says the banjo player, "I guess some people just don't care."
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A bluegrass band convicted of International terrorism and condemned to die in a small Third World country is given one last request. The banjo player, without thinking, shouts out, "If I must die for my country, my last request is to play FMB one last time!" The mandolin player shouts, "then my last request is that you kill me first."
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A bluegrass band is on their way back from a gig South of the border when they get arrested for playing a banjo after dark. The judge quickly sentences them to death. At dawn the next morning the band finds themselves looking at the business end of a firing squad. "Ready, Aim,..."

"Earthquake!" yells the guitar player which distracts the guards long enough so he can jump over the wall to freedom.

"Ready, Aim,..."

"Flood!" yells the mandolin player who jumps over the wall to freedom.

Now the banjo player is starting to catch on.

"Ready, Aim,..."

"Fire!" yells the banjo player as loud as he can.
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A few years ago a lost group of banjo players were discovered on a remote island in the Pacific. When asked how they survived for so long, they answered, "from the supplies dropped by the helicopters.”
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A government agency developed a new computer system that supposedly could carry on an appropriate conversation with a human based on the human's IQ. To test it out, they brought in several folks with varied IQs. The first had an IQ of 180. The computer began discussing the theory of relativity, the Big Bang, & various other things of that sort. The human turned out to be a rocket scientist. The next person had an IQ of 150. The computer talked with her about the UN, Bosnia, the current political situation in the Middle East, et cetera. She turned out to be a political scientist. The next fellow had an IQ of 50. The computer said, "Hey, what kind of banjo strings do you use?"
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A lady calls the home of her favorite bluegrass band and asks if the banjo player is going to play with them at the concert tonight. "I'm sorry lady the banjo player was killed in a car crash late last night," the mandolin player reports. However, every night she would call and every night she would get the same answer. Finally, the mandolin player says, "What do you want?!? You keep calling and bothering us every night--I told you the banjo player is DEAD!"

"I know you're banjo player died," she says, "I just love to hear you say those words..." A soft cackling laugh was heard off in the distance before she hung up the phone.
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A man decides to take a short vacation from his job and travel somewhere exotic. So, he books a trip to a small, essentially untouched Pacific island where the native culture is still intact. He has great expectations (no, not the novel by Dickens) for his trip, as he really needs the time off. So, he sets sail on his chartered ship to the island paradise. As the boat is approaching the island, he notices the sound of drums. "How quaint," he thinks, "the natives are engaging in an ancient ritual with drums." He arrives at the island and gets something to eat. All this time, the drums are going. Well, after a few hours, he begins to wonder when the drums are going to stop. So, he asks a native why the drums are going on so long. The native runs away screaming with a terrified look on his face.

Thinking he has probably disturbed the sanctity of the native ritual by asking an intrusive question, the man decides to just forget about the drums and enjoy his vacation. But, after another two days of continuous drums, it's really beginning to bother him. So, he asks another native, "When are the drums going to stop?" The native just looks at him. So, he asks, "Why are the drums going on so long?" This native, like the first one, runs away screaming.

So, after another two days, the man has had it with drums. He grabs the first native he sees by the neck & demands that he make the drums stop. The native replies "I would rather die than be the one who stops the drums." The man asks him why. Slowly, the native answers…"Because when the drums are over, the banjo solo starts!"
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve banjo players here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man.

"Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my 'gator."
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A man walk into a bar: "Hey bartender I got a new banjo joke for you!" "See that black belt on the wall kid? That's mine, I'm a banjo player and I ain't got much sense of humor. See that guy over at the table? He's my cousin. He's a banjo player and he ain't got much sense of humor. And this here is Bubba." The man looks over at the large, tatooed figure on the bar stool in a black leather Hell's Angel's jacket. "Bubba's a banjo player too and he doesn't take kindly to criticism. Are you sure you want to tell your banjo joke in here?" "Well not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times!!!"
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A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for fiddle player brain?"

"2 dollars an ounce."

"How much for mandolin player brain?”

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for guitar player brain?"

"4 dollars an ounce."

"How much for banjo player brain?"

"100 dollars an ounce."

"Why is banjo player brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many banjo players you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
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A Rabbi and a banjo player are traveling through the country with their friend from India when their car gets stuck in a ditch. Stranded, they walk to the nearest farmhouse and knock on the door. A farmer and his beautiful daughter answer the door. The farmer says he'll be glad to put 'em up for the night and they can go for help in the morning. However, there is only room for two in the house, one of them will have to sleep in the barn.

The Rabbi volunteers and goes off to the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door, it's the Rabbi, "I cannot sleep with pig, it's sacrilege."

Then the Hindu volunteers to sleep with the pig and goes off to the barn. A few minutes later, there is another knock on the door, "I cannot sleep with cow, sacrilege."

So, now the banjo player takes his banjo and goes off to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door--it's the cow and the pig!
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A Russian, a Cuban, and two Americans, (a guitar player and a banjo player) were sharing a compartment on a train. The Russian in an attempt to impress the other passengers says, "In Russia we have so much vodka that we can afford to throw it away." He then throws a bottle of fine Russian vodka out the window. In a spirit of one-upmanship, the Cuban replies, "In Cuba, we have so many fine cigars that we can simply throw them away." And the Cuban proceeds to throw a box of the finest Cuban cigars out the window. Not to be outdone, the guitar player says nothing, he just stands up and throws the banjo player out of the window.
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After you've played the banjo long enough people will pay you to play; however, your neighbors will pay you to stop.
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Always remember that the Banjo Player is the Fiddle Player's best friend; without him the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on Earth.
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"Anyone can play one of them things-all you need is three fingers and a plastic head".
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At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to banjo players for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for several reasons. we found that banjo players are far more plentiful; the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; the Animal Rights Activists leave us alone; and there are some things even a rat won't do... However, sometimes it is very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
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Banjo player decides to give up banjo playing and take up the Accordion. Sells the Banjo and goes to a big Music shop in Edinburgh to get an Accordion...The assistant says accordions are on the 2nd floor just go up and have a look I'll be up in 10 minutes after I attend this customer...Goes up in 10 minutes and says to the fella... Well have you picked your Accordion ...Yea replies the banjo player...Ah fancy that big Orange wan ower at the wa'..... Assistant says tell me were you ever a Banjo player....Aye how dae you know that? Cos that isn't an accordion mate it's a radiator!
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Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing or they'll sink.
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Banjo players never get out of line just out of tune.
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Banjo players play requests by multiple-choice not fill-in-the-blank.
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Banjo players spend half their lives tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
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Banjo Tuning is an oxymoron.
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"Banjos are to music as Spam is to food."
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Banjos are to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
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Bumper Sticker: On the eighth day, God created Banjos!
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Definition of mixed emotions: your banjo player riding over a cliff on your brand new Harley.
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Did you hear about the banjo player that was so out of tune the other banjo players started to notice?
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Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

Took him three hours to get the banjo player out.
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Did you hear that they've isolated the gene for banjo playing?

It's the first step to a cure!
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Do you know how to tell when a banjo player is playing out of key?

His fingers are moving.
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Did you know that the toothbrush was invented by a banjo player?

That's right, otherwise is would have been called a teethbrush.
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Do you know what they call a banjo player without a girlfriend?

Homeless.
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Do you know why the Post Office had to stop producing their new commemorative Banjo Player Stamps?

Because people didn't know which side to spit on.
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Don't tell my mom I'm a banjo player.

She thinks I'm a piano player in a whorehouse.
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Driving down a long lonesome highway through the dessert on his way West, a weary traveler sees a lone female hitchhiking by the side of the road and slows to a stop to pick her up. She smiles, grabs her banjo, jumps in, and they're off. Then all of a sudden she yells, "Stop the car!" He slows the car to a halt under the shade of a big tree she jumps out of the car grabs her banjo, climbs up in the tree, throws off all her clothes, and starts playing the Star Spangled Banner. Have you heard this one before? No!?!

What! You never heard our National Anthem before?!?
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Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."
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For three years, the young banjo player had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a banjo player."
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"Frets are like speed bumps on a banjo."
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Gorillas cannot be taught to play the banjo.

They're too sensitive.
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Guy goes through customs with a banjo case. The inspector nervously asks the man to set the case on the table. Sweating, the inspector uses a long stick to slowly open the case. He sighs a sign of relieve when the contents reveal a machine gun and miscellaneous explosives.

"Pass! For a minute there, I thought you had a banjo."
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Hear about the Banjo Sweepstakes?

First prize is a week at Banjo Camp.

Second prize is two weeks at Banjo Camp!
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How are banjo players and bowling balls alike?

They both end up in the gutter eventually.
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How can a banjo player make money?

Hang out your "Pay or I Play!" sign.
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How can you break a banjo players fingers?

Punch him in the nose [while he's picking...]
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How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle?

Shine a light in her ears.
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How can you get six banjo players to play in harmony?

Only give one of them a banjo!
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How can you make a million bucks as a banjo player?

Start with two million!
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How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes?

Jump up and down on them…If you get wine, you've got grapes!
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How can you tell if a banjo player is well hung?

If you can put two fingers between his neck & the rope.
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How can you tell if the stage is level?

If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
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How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?

They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.
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How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?

By their names.
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How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?

The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
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How can you tell when the banjo player is joking?

His lips are moving.
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How do you define an optimist?

A banjo player with a beeper!
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How do you get the banjo player out of the tree?

Cut the rope.
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How do you get two banjo players to play in unison?

Shoot one.
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How do you improve the aerodynamics of a banjo player's car?

Remove the Domino's Pizza sign from the roof.
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How do you keep a banjo player from drowning in a foot of water?

Take your foot off his head.
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How do you know if you're looking at a banjo player's family tree?

It has only one branch.
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How do you know you are at the home of a banjo player?

If the car doesn't have wheels but the house does.
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How do you make a banjo player slow down?

Put some sheet music in front of him.
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How do you make a chain saw sound like a banjo?

Turn it on.
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How does Dan Quail spell banjo:

"ban-joe" just like pota-toe!
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How is banjo playing like a courtroom trial?

Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed!
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How is lightning like a banjo player's fingers?

Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
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How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
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How is playing the banjo like peeing in a dark suit?

It gives you a warm feeling but no one notices and no one really cares.
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How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.
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How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one--he thinks the world revolves around him.
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How many banjo players does it take to eat a opossum?

Two, one to eat it & one to watch for cars.
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How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3 - 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder!
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How many Banjokes are there?

Only three the rest are true stories.
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How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter as long as everyone gets a turn!
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How many strings does a banjo have?

Five too many.
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I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo.

He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
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I used to play banjo on tv but my mom said get off or I'd break it!
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If you drop a banjo from a tall building, what do you hear when it hits the ground?

Applause.
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If you practice, tune, make a sound check, & sit down to play it's Folk music otherwise it's Bluegrass.
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If you took all the banjo players in the country and laid them end to end...we'd be a lot better off!
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If your car is sliding out of control, and you have the choice of running over a banjo player or an accordion player, which one should you choose?

Either one. You can always get the other on the second pass.
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Listener: Can you read music?

Banjo player: Not enough to hurt my playing.
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Mark Twain's definition of a gentleman: a man that can play the banjo and don't.
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Mother took a rotten little apartment for us on Twelfth Street, the only banal apartment I have ever known her to take, and one afternoon I arrived home with a big smile on my face and a peculiarly shaped package under my arm.

"What's that?" asked my mother looking at the package apprehensively. Then in a pale gray voice, she added, "That wouldn't happen to be a banjo by some remote chance, would it?"

"How did you guess?" I cried enthusiastically. "Just wait till you see it!

The pawnbroker practically gave it to me for only three dollars, including the case, and it has real mother-of-pearl between the frets and around the scroll!"

"It's a curse," said my mother, putting her hand to her forehead, "a taint."

"A what?" I asked, thinking I had misunderstood her.

"A pollution of the blood," said my mother, "like leprosy. It has to be from the blood, there is no other possible explanation. With the utmost care and during your entire life, I have refrained from giving you even a hint about this vice of your father's.

"I never let your Grandmother Biden or anyone else mention it to you for fear that it might awaken a dormant strain and encourage you to emulate him. But it has all been in vain. You may as well know now. Your father was considered, in banjo circles, to be one of the very best banjo players in America. Such was his talent that manufacturers would actually send him new models for nothing, just to get his opinion and endorsement of them.

"Your father always enjoyed playing a piece on the banjo for me, always a long one, and at the beginning of our marriage, I could stand it. Then as time passed, he was no longer satisfied with just plunking out a piece once, but immediately after finishing it, he would plunk it again in several different keys.

"Then I would get it with variations and countermelodies woven in…but still the same piece. He would wind up by plunking it behind his back in a sort of contortionist's grip. One night he actually gave the finale while swinging by his knees from a trapeze he had strung up between the sliding doors.

"If any more loathsome instrument than the five-string banjo has ever been invented during the entire history of music, I have yet to hear of it. I thought I had suffered from that miserable thing for the last time in my life, but you can't get away from heredity! So tune up your banjo, then go down to the corner and get me some poison."
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My wife just told me to choose between HER or my BANJO.

Jeeze I'll miss her.
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No matter how much you tune it--it will still sound like a banjo!
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"Old Banjo Players don't die; they just stop fretting.”
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Our hero was walking around Ventura and after he had an In-and-Out burger, he happened upon a little antique shop, so he went in and took a look around. Way up on a high shelf he saw a little brass mouse figurine, and he really liked it. He asked the owner how much it was, and the guy said, "It's $50 for the mouse, and $100 for the story that goes with it." Well, our hero didn't care about any old story, he just liked the little brass mouse, so he paid the guy $50 and walked out with the mouse in a brown paper bag. As he was walking home, he noticed the figurine was hollow with two little holes. Holding it up to his mouth, it made a melodious whistle. No sooner that he started, he was being followed by three little mice. When he stopped, they stopped. When he turned left, they turned left, et cetera. "Whoa, this is creeping me out," he thought. As he walked, the mice were joined by more mice, until our hero looked like the Pied Piper. He started to run, and he wound up on a pier over the Pacific Ocean [he's in Ventura, remember?] All the mice in town are right behind him. He is so freaked out that he throws the bag with the brass mouse into the water, and all the little mice jump after it, fall into the ocean, and drown. "Man, this is weird!" he says. He goes back to the antique store, and the owner doesn't seem surprised to see him. "Ahhh, you've come back to hear the story!" he says to our dilapidated hero. "No, man," says he, "I was just wondering if you have any little brass banjo players?"
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Saint Peter is interviewing newly arrived musicians at the Pearly Gates. He asked the first musician, "So, what did you do?"

"I was first violin with the London Phil Harmonic," stated the first musician.

"Fine, you may enter," said Saint Peter. He then asked the second guy, "What did you do?"

"I was a school band leader," said the second guy.

"Great, you may also enter," replied Saint Peter. Finally, Saint Peter asked the third guy, "So, what did you do with your life?"

"Well," replied the third guy, "I really wasn't a great musician--I played casual banjo in a bluegrass band. We mostly played for Barbecues, Barmitzas, and the like..."

"Oh," replied Saint Peter, "Oh, all right, but go around the back, OK."
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Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel at home, promised to spend some quality time with each one. He asked his first arrival of the day, "Hi! What's your IQ?"

"150," he said.

"Great," said Peter, as he showed the man in, "we should get together tomorrow and discuss the Theory of Relativity for a while." He asked the next person, "What's your IQ?"

"120," she said.

"Fine, fine," said Peter, "I'd love to take some time with you Wednesday to discuss current world politics." To the third person, he asked, "What's your IQ?"

"42," drawled the fellow.

"Fantastic!" cried Peter, "I've been looking for years for somebody who could help me perform a banjo duet!"
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Sign in store window: "Banjo For Sale-cheap, no strings attached."
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Sign on a street near a bluegrass festival: "Drive Safely--Don't kill a child." To which someone added,

"Wait for a banjo player!"
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Special book set: Buy "How to Play the Banjo" get "How to Regain your Family's Love" free!
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Terrorists hijacked a plane full of banjo players going to a convention. They told authorities that unless their demands were met they would begin releasing the banjo players.
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The banjo is a divine instrument. Man plays it but only God knows why!
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The only difference between a banjo and cocaine is that you can't fit a banjo up your nose.
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"The only thing worse than telling banjo jokes is laughing at them!"
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The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, Ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos, and such, Saint Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time…) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-Self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the Pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non)damned banjo player to make it up here!!"
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The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building-you don't really need one.
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"There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner."

"Any requests?"

"How about 'Softly, as I leave you'?"

"What key?"

"You won't need a key--just ring the doorbell when you get back from the pawn shop."

"Don't your vocal chords hurt when you sing like that? They're killing me!"

"You're just jealous because show biz is in my blood."

"Right now I'm just concerned that when I smash that banjo over your head, we won't be able to get the show biz stains out of the rug." --The Fusco Brothers
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Three high rise construction workers are eating lunch, one of which is a closet banjo player, of course. "If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump!" they each exclaim one after another as they open up their lunch pails sitting on a steel girder high atop the half finished building. The next day, one by one each opens their lunch. Sure enough the banjo player has another bologna sandwich & jumps. "Wow! I really feel sorry for the poor guy..." "Don't feel sorry for him, he makes his own lunch!" The two shrug & eat his lunch too as a crowd gathers down below.
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Three surgeons were discussing their favorite types of patients. The first said she enjoyed operating on Italians. Why? Because of all the olive oil they consume, their internal parts are well lubricated and nothing sticks to other parts. The second said he preferred working on Germans. Why? Because they are extremely organized and neat people. All their innards are logically laid out and labeled, like a medical textbook, making the surgeon's job that much easier. The third said that while she liked operating on Italians and Germans, Banjo players were her favorite. Why? Because they have only two parts, a mouth and an anus, and they're completely interchangeable.
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Top five reasons to be a banjo player: (1.) It's obnoxious; (2.) It's loud; (3.) It's fun; (4.) All those Banjokes; (5.) The cool "banjo players walk" hunched over from carrying that heavy thing around on one shoulder all day.
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Upon hearing from his doctor that he only had six months to live, a man exclaimed, "But doctor, is there anything I can do?"

"I'm afraid not." said the doctor. "But, there is one thing you could try..."

"What, what, I'll try anything..."

"Find yourself a homely girl that plays the banjo and move to Pittsburgh."

"Will that help me live longer?"

"No, but it will make time go by really slowly."
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Walking in New Orleans the other day my daughter and I passed a cemetery - she says "Daddy, I didn't know they put two people in the same grave".

I said, "Honey they never do that. She said well look for yourself, on the tombstone it says - here lies a banjo player and a talented musician.
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What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?

Drool.
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What do banjo players and bottles of beer have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up.
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What do banjo players use for birth control?

Their personality.
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What do they call a dead banjo player found in a closet?

Last years hide and seek champion.
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What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?

A visitor.
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What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?

Banjo player/Comedian.
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What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.
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What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand [or concrete]?

Not enough sand. [Almost done.]
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What do you get when you cross a banjo player and a ground hog?

Six more weeks of "Foggy Mountain Breakdown".
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What do you get when you cross a chicken and a banjo player?

A chicken that can pluck itself.

A banjo omelet.

Finger pickin good.

A chicken that delivers itself in a Dominoes pizza delivery uniform.
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What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?

Will the defendant please rise.
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What do you throw a drowning banjo player. - His banjo!
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What does a sperm and a banjo player have in common?

They both have one chance in about a million of becoming a human being.
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What does the banjo player mutter to himself in between tunes?

"Thumb, index, middle."
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What does the banjo player says when he gets to his gig?

Would you like fries with that sir?
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What has 16 legs & 3 teeth ?

The front row of a banjo workshop.
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What is the banjo picker's favorite whine?

"Play Dueling Banjos."
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What is the definition of perfect pitch?

Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
_______________

What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?

A chain saw has a dynamic range.
_______________

What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?

You can turn off a chainsaw.
_______________

What is the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?

The grip.
_______________

What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?

You can tune a Harley.
_______________

What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?

One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.
_______________

What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?

You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?

You can tune a lawnmower.
_______________

What is the difference between a banjo and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
_______________

What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?

An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
_______________

What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune?

Their color of course!
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What is the difference between a newly graduated banjo player's résumé, all the banjo songs, and a can of Alpo dog food?

The can of Alpo has content.
_______________

What is the difference between grapes and a banjo?

You take off your shoes to stomp on grapes.
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What is the difference between a terrorist and a banjo player?

You can reason with a terrorist.
_______________

What is the ideal weight of a banjo-player?

8 pounds, including the urn.
_______________

What is the loudest noise on the beach?

A banjo player and a sea gull fighting over a fish.
_______________

What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?

"Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
_______________

What is the range of a banjo?

About 10 meters if you throw it hard enough.
_______________

What should you do if you run over a banjo?

Back up.
_______________
What’s another name for a sledge hammer?

Banjo mute.
_______________

What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?

With wirecutters.
_______________

What's the best thing to play on a banjo?

A flame-thrower.
_______________

What's difference between a banjo and a fish?

You can tuna fish.
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo player and a foot massager?

A foot massager generally bucks up the feat.
_______________

What's the definition of a minor second?

Two banjo player's playing the same note!
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo and a flute?

Flutes don't burn!
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo and a helicopter?

You can tune a helicopter.
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo and a keyring?

Keyrings hold the key!
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?

Your wife gets upset when the neighbors borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo player and a lawyer?

You don't want to run over a lawyer! [You'll get sued!]
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo and a lollipop?

When you lick a lollipop it disappears but when you play licks on a banjo it's still there!
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo player & a locksmith?

A locksmith gets paid to change keys.
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo player and a savings bond?

A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
_______________

What's the difference between a banjo player and a puppy?

If you ignore a puppy long enough it will stop whining.
_______________

What's the difference between a good banjo player and Bigfoot?

There have been sightings of Bigfoot.
_______________

What's the difference between a run over skunk [or frog] and a run over banjo player?

The skunk [frog] was on it's way to a gig.
_______________

What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a banjo player run over on the road?

You see skid marks in front of the skunk.
_______________

What's the difference between an anchor and a banjo?

You tie a rope to the anchor before you throw it overboard!
_______________

What's the difference between rock 'n roll and bluegrass?

Rockers play all night without tuning; bluegrass pickers tune all night without playing.
_______________

What's the most beautiful sound anyone ever got out of a banjo?

Splash.
_______________

What's this: x x x ?

3 Banjo players co-signing a loan.
_______________

What's worse than a banjo player?

Two banjo players.

What's worse than two banjo players?

Nothing.
_______________

When do banjo songs sound the best?

When they're over.
_______________

"When I grow up I want to be a banjo player" says little Johnny.

"I'm sorry dear," says his mother, "you'll have to make up your mind. You can't have both--you can either grow up or be a banjo player."
_______________

Where do banjo players play best?

In traffic.
_______________

Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players?

Measles--you can get rid of the Measles.
_______________

Why are all those banjo jokes so darned simple?

That's so bass player can understand them too.
_______________

Why are banjos better than guitars?

They burn longer.
_______________

Why did the banjo player cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.
_______________

Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard?

So he could park in the handicap zone.
_______________

Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?

They make good paddles.
_______________

Why did the chicken with a banjo player cross the road?

To prove to all opossums that it is possible to do.
_______________

Why do banjo players like family reunions?

It's a great place to pick up girls.
_______________

Why do banjo players prefer picking rather than strumming?

It's easier to transfer a skill than learn a new one.
_______________

Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on?

So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
_______________

Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players?

Because they can't pick on their fiddles.
_______________

Why do so many fishermen own banjos?

They make great anchors!
_______________

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.
_______________

Why do they bury banjo players 20 feet deep?

Because they really are good people deep down.
_______________

Why do they let banjo players play in pizza parlors?

Because pizza is the only food that you can taste over the noise.
_______________

Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?

Saves time.
_______________

Why does everyone pick on banjo players?

Because it's so easy!
_______________

Why does it take three weeks for a banjo player to fill up a salt shaker?

It's hard to put those tiny little beads in those tiny little holes.
_______________

Why don't banjo players get to take breaks between sets?

It takes them too long to retune.
_______________

Why don't banjo pickers like to go to the beach?

Because cats keep trying to bury them.
_______________

Why is a banjo like an artillery shell?

Because by the time you hear either of them it is too late to run.
_______________

Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?

Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
_______________

Why is the banjo the most important instrument in a bluegrass band?

(a.) Every band needs someone to make fun of.

(b.) Every jam session needs someone to drown out the inevitable walk-up guitar player who can't pick worth a dang.

(c.) Without a banjo, a bluegrass band becomes just another collection of individuals looking for the meaning of life.
_______________

Why was the banjo player staring at the Orange Juice?

Because the label said, "Concentrate."
_______________

Why was the banjo player walking his kids to school everyday?

Because they're in the same grade.
_______________

"You can pick your banjo and you can pick your nose but you can't wipe your banjo on your pants."
_______________

You can play all the banjo songs backwards and they'll still sound the same!
_______________

You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish?

By adjusting it's scales.
_______________

You know why I wear my banjo strap around my shoulder?

Because I don't want it around my neck.
_______________

You're driving down the street and you see an accordion and a banjo--which one do you hit first?

The accordion: business before pleasure.
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