Bagpipe Jokes

Bagpipe Jokes poke a little fun at the many players of a most difficult instrument....the Bagpipe.

These jokes are just for funnin' around and in no way, shape or form, are making fun of anyone who plays the bagpipes.

I have heard them played beautifully and then in comparison...not so beautifully.

Maybe it's the not so beautifully where these jokes came to life.

If you've ever heard the bagpipe used properly at a funeral, it's a very sobering moment.

Hat's off to those who know how to play the instrument the way it was meant to be played.

The entertainment starts now!

Johnny Bagpipes

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said, "Drums Ok, but Very Bad when they stop."
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at his guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bagpipe Solo!"

A Canadian Officer, pinned down with his unit in 1944 in Italy, urgently signaled his CO.
"Need reinforcements to rescue us, please send six tanks or one piper."

A clan chief regularly employed a local piper to play during his elaborate suppers. On one such occasion the piper, Hamish, was overlooked as to his usual dram before commencing play. To revenge the chief, the piper provided a bad example of his art. This caused the chief to rebuke Hamish harshly, and demand explanation.
"The pipes play verra, verra hard this evening", explained Hamish.
"Tell me what shall soften them?" queried the chief.
"Och, whusky. Only whusky shall help sir".
With a perfunctory wave of the hand, a servant was quickly sent for a glass of the aforementioned spirits which Hamish hastily downed his throat.
The chief was infuriated. "Hamish! You scoundrel! Did you not say it was for the bagpipes?"
"Aye sir. But these pipes are most peculiar. They prefer the whusky to be blawed in."

A fellow enters a pub in Belfast with a plastic bag under his arms.
The bartender asks him, "What might that be you're carrying?"
"About twelve pounds of semtex", replies the fellow.
"Glory Be! I t'ought it was bagpipes!"

A guy walks into a bar and announces "I have a great new bagpipe joke!"
The bartender says "Let me stop you right there son.
You see that karate black belt hanging up behind the bar?
That's mine. And I play the pipes.
See that ornery lookin' feller in the Harley t-shirt?
That's my brother - and he plays the pipes.
And that big ugly old guy in the corner with the big scar across his face?
That's my Paw - and he’s a piper.
Now, are you sure you wanna tell that joke in here?"
"Hell, no. Not if I'm gonna hafta explain it three times!"

A man goes to a physician. The doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you this but you've only got six months to live."
The man says, "Doctor are you sure? Is there anything I can do?"
The doctor says, "Well, you could marry a piper."
"Will that make me live longer?"
"No, but it'll make your six months seem like six years."

A musician from a symphony orchestra one day ran across an old lamp at a garage sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped at genie.
"Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away." said the genie.
"Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish.", said the musician.
He thought for a moment and then reached for his atlas.
"Here's a map of the Middle East.
The people who live there have been fighting for years and years.
For my one wish, I would like to bring peace to this land."
The genie, a little caught off guard, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle.
Aah, ya see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and aah, the kids, aah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers.
I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish."
"Well, okay." said the musician.
"For my one wish, I would just once like to hear a pipe band play in tune, in time, and with musical feeling."
The genie thought for a moment and replied, "Um, let me take a look at those maps again."

A piper finished a long, hot parade and went to the pub to quench his terrible thirst.
He hadn't been there long when he suddenly realized that, although he'd locked his car, he'd left his pipes in plain view on the seat.
He rushed back to the car, but was too late.
The car window was broken, and there were three more sets of pipes on the back seat.

A piper was sick of the band abusing him, and decided to start his own.
He walked into a music shop, planning to buy the first instruments he saw. "Give me the red saxophone and that accordion!" he said.
The assistant replied, "You play the pipes, don't you?"
"That's right.
"Well, the fire extinguisher I can sell you - but the radiator stays."

A Scot visited America. He came home.
His best friend asked about his trip.
"Americans are the rudest people in the world" he replied.
"For example, in New York City I stayed in a fine hotel
. I paid a pretty penny, I can tell you, but at nine o'clock in the evening there were people milling around in the hall, noisy and boisterous.
At ten o'clock p.m. it was even worse.
There were screams, shouting, people pounding on my door.
At eleven o'clock people were banging on the walls, and by midnight they were pounding on my ceiling from the room above and on my floor from the room below.
You never heard such noise and such language."
"What did you do?" the friend asked.
"Nothing" the scotsman answered.
"I minded my own business and kept practicing the bagpipes."

As a guy walks through a forest, a fairy suddenly appears and offers him a free wish.
He removes a pocket atlas and points towards different countries:
"Here is suffering, there, hunger, and over there people are tortured.
I want all people to be free and healthy. Can you do that?"
The fairy sighs and says:
"Well, this is very difficult, even for me. Is there a chance that you can come up with another wish instead that would make it a little easier?"
The guy answers: "As a matter of fact, there is.
You see, I play the bagpipes, and have such a difficult time with the embellishments.
Do you think you could...".
"OK - let's look at that atlas one more time".

Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm.
Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.
-Alfred Hitchcock -

Bagpipes: The best way to terrorize the neighbors without the risk of getting an ASB.

Bagpipes and the Loch Ness Monster have two things in common – they attract tourists and terrify little children.

By some rare chance. A piper ends up in Hell.
Satan passes him one day and says, "Well, Scotty, hot enough for you?"
“Well, to tell yae the truth son, the Maxville Highland Games was hotter than this."
So Satan has the demons start stoking the furnaces more. The next day Satan asks again, "Hey, Scotty, hot enough for you?"
"Well, to tell yae the truth son, the Montreal Highland Games was just as hot."
So Satan has the demons REALLY start stoking the furnaces.
The furnaces are so hot they're glowing cherry red and the demons are starting to pass out from the heat.
After a day of this Satan asks "Well Scotty, hot enough for you now?!"
"Well, to tell yae the truth son, my band practice hall was just as hot."
Satan is furious. Tells his demons to shut off the furnaces. Cranks the air conditioning on. ALL THE WAY, ICE IS EVERYWHERE.
Satan goes to see the piper. He's shivering and slapping himself to try to stay warm, but he's jumping up and down, celebrating.
Satan looks at him and says, "Now, Scotty, you're obviously not doing well in this cold. Just why are you celebrating?"Scotty says to him: "Are you kiddin'?

Celts are unique in that they can take the two instruments that annoy the most people in the world and place them in the 'same band'
Drums and bagpipes!

Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat?
He rushed back as soon as he realized it, but it was too late--someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the residence hall.
After he had been there a semester, his mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people.
The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop.
The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Well, mother, I just ignore them and stay in my room and play my pipes."

Fergus sees a farmer with his sheep and walking up to him says "if I can guess how many sheep you have will you give me one?".
"Sure" says the farmer.
"Ok, you have 1,795 sheep" replies Fergus. The stunned farmer lets Fergus take his sheep.
"Wait a minute," says the farmer, "if I can guess what you do for living can I have my sheep back?".
"Certainly" replies Fergus.
"You're a piper, aren't you" smirks the farmer.
"That's incredible - how did you know" says Fergus.
"Well put my dog down and I'll tell you."

How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
Add vibrato.

How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.

How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
Someone is blowing into it.

How can you tell one pipe tune from another?
By the titles.

How do you put a twinkle in a piper's eye?
Shine a light in his ear.

How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

I attended a bagpipe camp last year for a week in North Carolina...
I received a T-shirt which onthe front said "North American Academy of Piping".
When I wore it to school later, a fellow student said,
"I did not know you were going to school to learn to be a plumber".

World Renown Bagpiper

If a piper was playing alone in a forest 100 miles from anywhere – would everyone still hate him?

If you drop a bagpipe and a water melon off a tall building, which would hit the ground first?
Who cares?

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to would be a good idea.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

If your drones start up, and no one is around to hear them, do they make a sound?

Ireland gave the Scots the bagpipes . . . and they still haven't gotten the joke yet.

It happened at a pub that a dear old lady from beyond the Tweed spied a Scottish piper, with his instrument of torture, and begged for a tune.
For a solid hour the Highlander marched up down performing.
"Dear me," said a nervous lady, "I suppose it's very fine, but it does sound a little like an air raid siren, doesn't it?"
"No madam," replied an exasperated pub patron, "it sounds like an air raid."

It seems that a pipe band on its way to a competition got lost, and after many fruitless hours of searching down dirt roads in the dark, they came upon a farm house, and decided to ask to spend the night there.
The farmer told them he would be glad if they spent the night, but he said "I only have two spare rooms, some of you will have to stay in the barn.
It's clean, dry, and warm, but I keep a cow and a pig in there."
The band, after discussing it among themselves and tossing a coin, decided that the P/M would stay in one room, the drummers would stay in one room, and the pipers would stay in the barn.
So they all went to bed.
A short while later, there was a knock on the door.
It was the pipers.
They said "There's a cow in there.
He's mooing, urinating, defecating, passing gas, kicking the stall, and guys, we just can't do it.
Besides, we hate cows."
So the drummers said that they would stay in the barn, and they all went to bed.
A short while later, there was a knock on the door.
It was the drummers.
They said "There's a pig in there.
He's oinking, urinating, defecating, passing gas, wallowing in the mud, and guys, we just can't do it.
Besides, we hate pigs."
So the P/M said "You guys aren't men enough to take it.
I'll stay in the barn." So they all went to bed.
A short while later, there was a knock on the door.
It was the cow and the pig.

Murray's Laws Of Piping

1. No matter when you change your reed, it only blows out as you march off.
2. Any reed changed just before a parade will be too hard to blow.
3. When the Pipe Major is watching you, your drones will never start right.
4. Clean white shirts will get dirty in the clothing bag.
5. Careful accounting of your gear the night before means that you will forget something.
6. Months of practice on a six-part tune means you will only remember one part on parade.
7. If you call "By the Right....." - sure as hell someone will start on the right foot.
8. When someone important is watching, the Drum Major will always call the "Halt!" on the wrong foot.
9. Some band members rise to their own level of incompetence - then stay there.
10. When the band sounds good - wait till the next tune.
11. Bandsmen come and bandsmen go - but screw-ups continue.
12. The degree of band screwing-up is in direct proportion to how important the event is.
13. If the band plays an easy tune long enough - they will screw it up.
14. Any chanter reed that will blow, will blow 30 seconds before march-off.
15. Any drum head that breaks, will do so 30 seconds after march-off.
16. All Pipe Majors believe that their bands will get better with practice.
17. All pipers have a scheme to break-in their own reeds, none of which work.
18. You will always remember to take your hose out of the dryer on the way to the parade.
19. There is never time to do it right, but we find time to do it wrong.
20. Every time the Bass Drummer tries a new beat, the pipers just hear a double-beat and quit playing.
21. The bus is never on time, but when it is, it's not your bus.
22. At least once every parade, a drummer will drop or break a stick.
23. When all is going correctly, look out, something is wrong.
24. When more than one piper cannot shut off his drones properly, its the Pipe Major's fault.
25. All important parades must be done during the pipers' holidays.
26. A good band practice does not mean a good parade.
27. A bad band practice does not mean a good parade.
28. Some pipers claim that "Preparation" is a piper's best friend.
29. Pipe reeds only come in one type - too hard for your pipers to play.
30. Side drums only stay in tune until you have to play them.
31. A full turn-out at band practice does not mean a full turn-out on parade.
32. Band members' clocks are always one half hour behind the Pipe Major's.
33. Any person who wants to be a Pipe Major is CRAZY!

On the subject of noisy neighbors, I heard a story about a student at an English university, called Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or perhaps it was Neill MacNeill from Barra, but anyway ...), who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there.
After he'd been there a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied. "They're such terrible, noisy people.
The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop.
The one on the other side screams and screams and screams, away into the night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them.
I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

So anyway, there's this piper who's never made the money he wanted, that's piping.
He gets run over by a bus and due to his unruly life, goes to Hell.
He's standing at the iron gates when a bellowing voice calls out, "A piper are we?
Go to corridor C, door 78!".
So on he goes, pipes in hand.
As he walks down the corridor he's struck dumb by this absolutely amazing pipe music.
He follows the sound until he finally comes to the source of the sound.
He can't believe his luck when he opens the door, all the great pipers are here.
One looks over at him and says, "Join us".
He starts piping, dumb-founded with his luck.
If this was Hell, then he'd happy spending eternity here.
Just then the door opens and in walks in Satan himself:
"'Right lads!, Break time over!
Take your places.....A-one-two-three-four, 'Left a good job in the city...'".

The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad...
The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks...
Ten men down, and the piper plays on... Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out...
Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper:
“For heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Two girls are walking when they hear. "Psst! Look down here!" They both look to see a frog sitting beside the road.
The frog says, "Whoever kisses me first, I'll turn into a world class piper and make you rich and famous!"
The girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl asked, "Why did you do that?"
The first replied, "I'm no moron. A talking frog is worth a lot more than a famous piper any day".

What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?

What do bagpipers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A bagpiper.

What do you call ten bagpipers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What do you do when all the bagpipers in the world lline up end to end to the moon and back?
Leave them there.

What do you have when a piper is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand!

Royal Scottish Band

What do you throw a drowning bagpipes player?
His bagpipes....

What does a bagpiper where under his kilt?
Shoes and socks.

What's one thing you never hear people say?
Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two bagpipes playing in unison.

What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A bagpiper tuning his drones.

What's the definition of "optimism"?
A bagpiper with a beeper.

What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
The frog might be getting a gig (Southern Humor).

What's the difference between a cat in the road and a bagpipe in the road?
People usually swerve to MISS the cat.

What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

What’s the difference between a piper and a mother-in-law.
Not everyone loathes their mother-in-law.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

What’s the difference between a stone of Ayrshire Potatoes and a band of pipers.
It only takes twenty minutes to boil the potatoes.

What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

What's the range of a bagpipe?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

When someone tells a guitarist joke, people laugh.
When someone tells a bagpipe joke, people nod in solemn agreement.

Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
Moving targets are harder to hit.

Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

Why do Scotsman/Bagpipers always march while playing?
To get away from the sound!

Why do they call it a "kilt"?
Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Why don't pipers polish their shoes?
So nobody will see up their kilt.

Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

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