100 Ways to Annoy People

Who would need instructions to do something naturally? If you want to be on the offensive, use this page for some great ideas.

1. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

2. Leave your turn signal on for at least fifty miles.

3. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

4. Practice loudly making fax and modem noises.

5. Pretend your computer mouse is a CB radio, and then talk into it.

6. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

7. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

8. Sing the Batman theme incessantly and very confidently.

9. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as it is part of your "astronaut training."

10. Learn Morse Code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeeeeep Bip Bip Beeeeeep Bip."

11. Forget the punchline to a long joke, then assure the listener before you move on that it was a "real hoot."


13. Order a side of pork rinds with your Filet Mignon.

14. Write "X-BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

15. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, then place the cookie halves back in the tray.

16. Sing along at the opera where you will be heard.

17. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

18. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

19. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

20. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat several times.

21. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

22. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

23. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" until physically restrained.

24. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and place them to reroute whole streets.

25. Drive half a block.

26. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

28. Never make eye contact.

29. Never break eye contact.

30. Specify and remind the person that your drive-thru order is "to go."

31. Name your dog "Dog."

32. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

33. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply stay and eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

34. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

35. Repeat everything someone says as a question.

36. Set alarms for random times.

37. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

38. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

39. At the laudromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

40. only type in lowercase.

41. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

42. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

43. Honk and wave to strangers.

44. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

45. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

46. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

47. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.

48. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

49. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

50. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

51. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

52. Drum on every available surface.

53. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO? O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

54. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

55. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

56. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

57. Wear your pants backwards.

58. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers Theme song.

59. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

60. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

61. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

62. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

63. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

64. dont use any punctuation either

65. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

66. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

67. Listen to 33 rpm records at 45 rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

68. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

69. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

70. Chew on pens you've borrowed.

71. Wear a LOT of cologne.

72. Mow your lawn with scissors.

73. Change your name to "John Aaaaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people prounce each "a."

74. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suh-WING-batter!"

75. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

76. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

77. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

78. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

79. Declare you apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

80. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

81. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

82. Ask people what gender they are.

83. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

84. Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.

85. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

86. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

87. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophecy."

88. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psycological profiles."

89. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

90. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

91. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper , 99 copies.

92. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

93. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

94. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

95. Sniffle incessantly.

96. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

97. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

98. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

99. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

100. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

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